Archive for the ‘Queens’ Category

Wednesdays Brush After Every One-Liner

Big, Italian guy on cell: Braces? (pause) Why do you want braces? (pause) You don't just get them 'cause you want them! –Penn Station Overheard by: I hated braces 30-something woman to friend: I started getting cavities after I started making out with boys. –Queens Overheard by: Angela Drunk guy: I wasn't having a heart attack, I was at the dentist! –M60 Bus Happy tall man on cell: Alright, nigga, brush your teef and all that, I wanna get high! –111th & Lenox Ave

Country Mouse, Wednesday One-Liner Mouse

Very happy male suit wearing slippers, shuffling down to the subway: If you can wear slippers in New York, you can wear slippers anywhere. –2 Train Overheard by: Lara Suit on cell: I'm so glad to be in New York, where everyone is so mellow and everyone talks American. –DiFara Pizzeria Guy to date: That's what I love about New York–people wear different outfits. –Outside Deluxe, 113th & Broadway Overheard by: Ladle Dad to preteen daughter: See, I really don't have issues with citizens not from New York city. –Forest Hills Overheard by: depends on citizens Woman on cell: I'm in New York, where Sesame Street lives. –52nd & 7th Overheard by: AEVRed Southern lady on cell: I have to say I'm disappointed. I thought the Wal-Mart in New York would be amazing. Ya'll don't even have a Wal-Mart. –Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Some Potty Humor, Courtesy of Wednesday One-Liners

Lady suit: Do you think anyone would notice if I just popped a squat and urinated everywhere? –Port Authority 12-year-old girl: And then… He, like… peed in my mouth. It was kinda gross. –Eddie’s Sweet Shop Overheard by: Yorick Man peeing on the street: Watch the stream, watch the stream! –W 4th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Maya G. Black guy to coworker: What about that golden shower I had the other night? –NYU Weinstein Dining Hall Middle-aged convention female attendee: I didn’t know that urinals flushed. Did you know urinals flushed? Who would have thought? –Javits Convention Center Overheard by: Hector Drunk man to embarrassed friend: Did I tell you about the time I peed on a bum? For real, I did! I was just taking a leak and looked down like: "Oh shit, is that a person?" He looked up on me and said: "Hey, you just peed on me!" And I did! I peed on him! Then I put myself in his shoes like: "What if someone peed on me?" I’d be pissed! That’s some fucked up shit, man. So I gave him ten bucks. –A Train

Well Met on Opening Day

Guy on cell: Hey, what’s up?…I’m at the Met game…The Mets are up 2 to 1, but Washington has 2 men on and nobody out…Two-one. No outs.
Guy #2: There’s one out.
Guy on cell: Oh, sorry. One out. We’ve been here since 8 and I’ve been drinking since 8:30. I’m wasted…Listen, Ma, I gotta go, I’m missing the game. He hangs up. Guy #1: My mother calls to get the score. Turn on the radio! –Shea Stadium Dude: Hey, Carlos! Steal second, I won’t tell anybody! –Shea Stadium Dude: Get off your knees; you’re blowing the game! –Shea Stadium

Wednesday Will Go Nazarene on Your One-Liners

Black woman: Sixteen dollars? That paper better be made out of Jesus's ass. –Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center Overheard by: Emily B. 40-something to friends: And what's going on with the fucking baby Jesus over there? –Starbucks Guy on cell: In my class, we were talking about how Jesus was a Viking warrior. –Queens College Woman, about Matt Lauer and Katie Couric: See, this is why Jesus Christ and the Pharisees didn't get along. –22nd St & Park Ave Overheard by: Rachel Peters Woman on phone on the night before Easter: No, I do not want you at my house right now. (pause) I'm going home to watch The Ten Commandments and read my bible–Jesus is coming back tomorrow! –B44 Bus Overheard by: Micah Drunk high school girl: If Jesus had discovered a cure for dry mouth, he'd be a lot more popular! –Union Square Overheard by: Smudge

Watch Out! They’re About to Explode!

Guy: You see that bum? He wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I know him from the Bronx. Evvverybody knows everybody in the Bronx, especially if you do drugs. He’s a liar…His daughter did die, but 3 years ago. He got so much money hustlin’ on the D train, but now they all know it’s bullshit, so he came all the way to Queens….what, he gotta bury his daughter every year? He gonna ask for money when the girl died 20 yrs ago?…And if you don’t got money for a burial, the city gives it to you. He fulla shit. –7 train Overheard by: MR Standing in line is a guy with a massive 12-roll pack of toilet paper. His buddy comes up to join him and says: I always knew you were full of shit. –Rite Aid, Irving Place Overheard by: Vera Farrelly