Archive for the ‘Queens’ Category

What Not to Wednesday One-Liner

Hipster girl: Look, just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you have to dress like a fifth grader.

–Union Pool, Brooklyn

Vain fag, looking at pants: I really love these shorts, I hope they’re *in* this summer…

–LIRR

Guy wearing bright green leather clogs: No, I’d never wear crocs. They’re ugly.

–Forest Hills Gardens, Queens

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Goth girl: Let’s buy fur coats and throw paint on ourselves.

–Bloomingdale’s

Disembodied voice: Yo, these are mom jeans. I hate that shit! The waist goes all the way up to your stomach and then it makes a little V-neck pouch for your vagina. I hate that shit!

–Fitting Rooms, Gap in Herald Square

Overheard by: Zarya

[Waiting in line for the washroom.]
Lady, bawling her eyes out
: Sorry, I ordered this jacket, and it’s two sizes too big!


–Macy’s

Overheard by: Tracy

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder

Black man: I can never watch you eat sausage again. It was the most awkwardly erotic thing I've ever seen. It was the perfect combination of food and female.

–Pratt Coffee Shop, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Maryrose

Boy to friend: And then the teacher said: "and that's the history of ham"!

–Queens

Overheard by: alex

Young woman on cell: Well, I would go to Gray's for hot dogs with you, but I can't. I gave up tubed meat for lent.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Caroline

Cute teen girl: It'd be like a floppy bag of meat… (pause) I'm not talking about dick!

–Starbucks

Woman placing drive-thru order: And two junior bacon cheeseburgers. Actually, I don't want the bacon. I don't want to get the swine flu.

–Wendy's Drivethru, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oh the Pig-manity!

Upset Orthodox Jew mother to baby in stroller: Bacon!? Who told you about bacon!?

–West End & West 100th St

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

It’s All Greek to Me

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee. –Midtown office