Archive for the ‘Queens’ Category

Wedneslutsday One-Liners

30-something woman on phone: Ma! Jesus, ma. I totally agree with you. (pause) Yeah, he told me to come over when the house was done. (pause) Yeah, fixed up. Jesus, ma. (groan) Yes. No! I'm not a slut. Ma!

–Jackson Heights

Overheard by: maria

Teen girl to friend: I was living with my grandmother and my girlfriend was studying social work, I was sleeping with men at this time–but I wasn't a slut or anything.

–Westside Tavern, 23rd & 8th

Girl on cell: How many guys did I sleep with? Thirty, forty?

–Pearl St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: CAC Baby from The Glebe

Father on phone with daughter: I didn't raise you to be a fucking whore. If I wanted you to be a whore you think I would've paid for your goddamn degree?

–Washington Square Park

High school freshman to friend: My Spanish teacher called me a slut!

–61st St & Amsterdam Ave

Wednesday RU-486-Liners

Guy on cell: That's the good thing about abortions–you can have like three a day.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Ghetto dude: I told her, I was like "if you get pregnant you best get an abortion, cause I ain't helping you with that shit." I mean, I would help her, but I gotta get that shit in her head.

–N Train

Overheard by: Jill

30-something woman to boyfriend: There be some muthafuckas up in here who think this shit some form of birth control. I'm woman enough; I gave birth to six kids. I ain't doin' it again.

–Abortion Clinic, Queens

Crazy guy on subway, preaching: You know why there's 100 million Mexicans in America? Abortion!

–W Train

How Is Ordering at Starbucks Like Finishing the Special Forces Obstacle Course, Alex?

Customer: I'd like a venti passion tea lemonade please.
Barista: Sorry, we're out of venti cups.
Customer: Okay, can you just put it in two tall cups then?
Barista: Sure, no problem.
Barista, after ringing up customer: That's $5.98.
Customer: Um, a venti lemonade is $3.55.
Barista: Yes, but you ordered two tall lemonades.

–Starbucks, Queens

Wednesday One-Minors

Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.

–Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Tara

Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU?

Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate!

–M104 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha

Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men!

–Bergdorf Goodman

Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money.

–Borders, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?

The Sorriest Wednesday One-Liners in Town

Girl on cell: Listen, Alice, I just wanted to call and tell you that I am really, really sorry about the pop-tarts.

–High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Conductor: This is where they tell me what the problem is, so you can stick with me or abandon ship, but either way I'm sorry for the mind-numbing delays.

–Delayed 6 Train

Overheard by: Frankie

Guy on cell: I'm trying to apolo… shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up. (pause) I'm trying to… stop talking! Just stop talking! (pause) Say "okay." I told you to stop talking. Say "okay." Shut the fuck up!

–Union Square

Overheard by: tracy

Conductor: We are delayed because of train traffic ahead of us. Thank you for your inconvenience and sorry for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Frain

Overheard by: Ben Black

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Doggie Style

Woman: So what if I sleep with dogs for money?

–Chrystie St & Delancey

Middle-aged woman, after being told her puppies can't enter store: That's why I live in LA, they're much more dog-friendly there. Now, can you please get me the Lady Gaga CD?

–Barnes & Noble

Young woman, seeing three-legged dog: Three-legged dogs are kinda trendy these days.

–Sunset Park

Overheard by: Matty

Woman to another, walking out of subway: I'm telling you, chihuahuas are fucking taking over the city.

–Bedford Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: J Wing

Man in '80s garb, getting off train and pumping arms in great exaltation: The dog is back!

–Steinway Street

Overheard by: Jo Ann Chism