Old woman: I just can’t believe that’s where my brother goes out to when he comes to visit me. He’s not gay, so why would he be there?
Old queer: Are you sure he’s not? It’s called ‘Rawhide’ for a reason.
–22nd St & 8th Ave
Archive for the ‘Queers’ Category
Though They Do Buy Pasta at Whole Foods…
Dude #1: Eh, those two cans should be okay.
Dude #2: No. That’s fucking not enough.
Dude #3: Dude, you’re not fucking listening to me — we’re only doubling the recipe, not quadrupling it. Stop just fucking thinking of yourself!
Dude #4: You’re not listening to me! Look at the fucking recipe — if we’ve got one pound of rigatoni…
Angry woman: Excuse me, there are children here. You need to watch your language.
Dude #1 to Dude #2: I will fucking slap you so hard…
Dude #3 to angry woman: My roommates actually aren’t gay…
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.
–Christopher & 7th
Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!
–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
–6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
–Victoria’s Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
–56th & 9th
It Strains Credulity How Many Different Kinds of Difference Exist
Guy: I can’t believe they used an Indian family for that commercial. For the love of God, their last name was Kumar-swami!
Queer: What kind of name is that? They definitely should have used a white family.
Guy: It was a Verizon commercial, for Christ’s sake. If you want to get racy, use a black family. But Kumar-swami — that is just too much!
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Kept Pitching the Advantages of the Compact Model
20-something girl: I once broke up with a guy because he was too small.
Queer: Yikes.
20-something girl: It wouldn’t have been a problem if he could have, you know, made up for it in other ways.
Queer: He wasn’t creative?
20-something girl: He was in advertising.
–26th St, between 7th & 8th
She’ll Look Her Best Just Before She Disappears
Girl: I think my roommate is anorexic — she never eats, and she’s lost like 40 pounds this year.
Gay friend: Good for her!
–Dojo’s, East Village
But the Techno Remix Causes Cancer in Rats
Chick to guys loudly singing ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ : That song can’t turn you gay!
–Village Halloween Parade
Overheard by: That eavesdropper over there
Regular Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: …Then they gave him enemas until it ran clear. Now he hasn’t had a movement in three days. Should I be worried?
–Subway
Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the upstairs bathroom.
–44th & 3rd
Ambiguously gay actor: Flowers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!
–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU
Overheard by: a girl who poops
Freshman chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.
–Restroom, Hunter College
Cherubic blonde chick to another: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?
–Metropolitan Museum of Art
Suit-in-training: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I forgot.
–NYU Stern Building
Guy waiting for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We gotta go out here!
–Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: KeeZ
Like Harvey Fierstein
Teen girl #1: My teacher bought this awesome notebook for me.
Teen girl #2: Why?
Teen girl #1: ‘Cause she likes me.
Teen girl #2: Is she gay?
Teen girl #1: No. She’s Jewish.
–Mahattan-bound N/W Train
No: Reading / Female / Soup-Eating / Myopic / Eccentric / Interested in Nutrition
Queer pointing at eccentric woman reading sides of soup cans with a spy glass: I want to be more like that.
Girl: What, ugly?
–Food Emporium, 50th St & 8th Ave