Customer: I’m looking for a kitchen table, some chairs, and a coffee table.
Sales guy: Wow, your place must be very big!
Customer: Not really. That’s about all that will fit.
–Surprise! Surprise! store, East Village
Archive for the ‘Real Estate’ Category
I Hear It’s a Great Place to Start a Relationship, Though
NYU girl #1: Oh my god, could you imagine living in that apartment building with no windows?
NYU girl #2: Honey, no.
–Outside Manhattan Detention Center, Centre St
Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody’s Jewish.
–Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you’re not Jewish, you’re, like… Jewish.
–Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
–Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you’d rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
–18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
–71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there’s food around I have to eat it — even if I’m not hungry.
–Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you’re not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
You Know, Padded Walls?
Obese white trash wife in housewares aisle: If we had a real house, I’d decorate it like crazy.
Obese white trash husband: Yeah…
–Target
Owner: Actually, I Like a Gentle Up-and-Down Motion — The Roughened Tongue Will Be Ideal
Broker: This is not a pet-friendly property.
Girl: Does it matter if my cat is toilet-trained?
Broker: I don’t understand.
Girl: My cat doesn’t have a litter box. It uses the toilet. Does that help?
Broker: I am not sure if that makes a difference. How did you do it?
Girl: I used a training kit. CitiKitty.
Broker: It might impress the owner, but I am not sure it makes a difference. Does your cat flush?
Girl: It will if that helps me get the apartment.
–82nd & Columbus
The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup
Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.
–Franklin Ave, Brooklyn
How About a Studio on Poser Place?
Hipster #1: So, I’m going to buy a place. I can’t afford much, but I’m totally willing to go ghetto.
Hipster #2: Really? You know you can get some pretty good deals a few stops on the G line.
Hipster #1: Dude! I said I was willing to go ghetto, not live on the G!
–Metropolitan & Lorimer, Brooklyn
Overheard by: JP
This Reasoning Didn’t Stop the Europeans From Displacing the Indians, Though
Girl: But can’t the police seize it if it’s a crime scene?
Logistical genius: If the police could seize a crime scene, no one in Brooklyn would have a house.
–Backyard barbeque, Fort Greene
Overheard by: inge
Now He’s Planning to Trade the Woman and the Magazines For the House
Clerk: 20 copies [of ELLE Decor]?
Older man: My Hamptons house is on the cover.
Younger woman: Actually, it’s not his house anymore.
Older man: It’s my ex-wife’s.
Younger woman: Yeah, he traded the house for me!
–Magazine shop, Gramercy
It Involves Double Indemnity
Biker dude #1: I’m staying at that hotel, down by…93rd and 3rd.
Biker dude #2: Oh yeah?
Biker dude #1: Yeah, that’s where I tried to commit suicide.
Biker dude #2: What do you pay a week down there?
Biker dude #1: I got a good deal going with the guy down there.
–6th Ave & 14th St, Gowanus, Brooklyn