Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

…You Should've Kept the 19-Year-Old on the Side!

50-something guy #1: I mean, I like being with her, I just feel we have nothing to talk about.
50-something guy #2: You have to admit it wasn't really the conversation you got into the relationship for.
50-something guy #1: I know. But I still wish we connected more.
50-something guy #2, exasperated, suddenly much louder: Well, then you shouldn't have left your wife for a 19-year old!

–Asphalt Green Gym

Overheard by: Richard

You Mean Gay Mafia Tight?

Dude to waiter: Yeah, I'll have the scrambled eggs. Scramble 'em soft so they're a little runny, with extra crispy bacon–almost burnt–wheat bread just a little toasted. Yeah, very light. And a cut of Gruyere cheese and grapes on the side. Yo, you still got those crumpets? Those flaky crumpets? Cool, I'll have 'em with peppermint tea with a wedge of lemon and cane sugar. Alright? Thanks.
Girlfriend, eying him warily: Babe, your brunch game is tight. Like, suspiciously tight…

–The Farm on Adderley, Brooklyn

‘I’ Before ‘E’, Except After ‘C’, or in Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s weird, it feels like I’m still alive.

–W 8th & Broadway

Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.

–Robert Louis Stevenson School

Overheard by: Lucas

Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They’re all weird.

–90th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.

–9th St. and 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Trader Joe’s employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Overheard by: Ingwall

Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn’t mean you’re smart.

–Bowery & Rivington

Judge Us by the Hotdogs in Our Hands and the Beer Spouting From Our Hats

Chick leaving bar to friend: That's it, I have given up on New York men!
Guy in Yankees shirt: Hey! Don't judge us by guys from Queens.

–Bohemian Beer Garden, Astoria

Overheard by: Mike H

Headline by: Nicola

Runners-Up:
· “…but by Our Slick Taste in T-Shirts!” – Ijudgeyou
· “His Argument Would Carry More Weight If He Wasn’t Peeing Against a Brick Wall at the Time” – James
· “It’s Like Judging Americans by George Bush” – Allison
· “Just by Guys Who Hang Out in Queens” – From Brooklyn
· “Otherwise You’d All Be Lesbians” – Katie Darling
· “There Are Four More Boroughs Waiting to Disappoint You” – AngusM


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-liners Need Relationship Counseling

Black guy: I ain’t saying I love her, but I got feelings for the bitch. –82nd & 2nd Overheard by: Rick Segall Fratboy: Fuck the afterlife. I want my 72 virgins now. –111th & Broadway Overheard by: Djlindee Shoplady on phone: Oh, so did she tell you about her sex? Well, she told me…I mean, she’s ugly but it’s good to know even ugly people can have good imaginary sex. –Barbara Feinman Millinery, St. Mark’s Place Overheard by: Sarah C Jamaican lady: We don’t fuck for enjoyment, we fuck for love. –Washington Heights Guy on cell: You had sex with my sister!…Well was she any good?…Where the hell did she learn that nifty trick? –Times Square Guy: Oh, you should come by the soup kitchen I run. There are no homeless people. Only real estate people. I used to go…I would go on Wednesday (snaps fingers) and I’d have a date for Saturday. –Union Squre theatre Suit: Marriage is so fucking out in banking right now. I was engaged for a while, just because I wanted to plant my seed, you know. But that didn’t work out. –Wall Street Overheard by: Black Red Yellow NYC

It’s Wednesday One-liners, Baby

Teen girl on cell: …you just gotta sit him down and say we’re both pregnant by him and we wanna know if we can get along! –Canal Street JHS boy: Let’s make like a fetus and head out. –Broadway & Washington Place Drunk girl: How could I be pregnant? I like women! –Times Square Thug on cell: Nigga, how you been? Shit, I had five kids since I last seen you! –Elizabeth & Prince Guy on cell: Do we have to wash you and shave you and put a diaper on you before tonight? –Penn Station Overheard by: djlindee

Why You Should Never End a Date with a Proposition

Ghetto girl #1: He was like, ‘I wanna see yo shirt on my bedroom floor’ and I was like, ‘Is this a proposition?’ and he was like, ‘What proposition?’ and I was like, ‘Where’s my ring?’ and he was like, ‘Yo, bitch, I didn’t steal any ring!’ And then he just left.
Ghetto girl #2: I’m gonna say this cause you’re my friend: You’re soooo ghetto. –Port Authority