Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

If It Is a Good Morning…Which I Doubt

Man on cell: Good morning! How are you?
Man: Tell me the bad news…
Man: No, really… Tell me the bad news
Man: You’re PREGNANT? How did that happen?
Man: I know how it happened…but I mean…I thought you were on the pill!
Man: Well, what are we going to do about this? [pause] I can’t have a kid with you. [pause] I’M MARRIED! –47th & Avenue of the Americas Overheard by: Cynthia Frawley

Puerto Rican Pride

Female Police Officer: So he calls me at 1:59 and tells me, ‘I’m out with the guys and I won’t be able to be home by 2.’ So I say to him, ‘Just don’t come home at 6 am!’ and he says okay and then he comes home at 5:59!
Male Police Officer: Why do you put up with this?
Female Police Officer: Because once you go Puerto Rican, you never go a-seekin’! –Precinct 90, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Romance Is Dead, but Wednesday One-Liners Keep on Coming

Guy to girlfriend: Will you just hold my fucking hand?

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: waiting for my prince charming Guy: You know, I used to think cheating on girls was wrong.

–Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Michelle Young woman, looking at Lolita book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship. –Borders, 33rd & 7th Overheard by: with a K Man on cell: No, dear, I do not want to hear what you’re doing to yourself right now.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Alexandra Woman, to man she’s just kissed: What was your name again?

–2nd St & 1st Ave Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello…Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes… Thanks, honey, you’re the best. –LIRR Overheard by: Sara Swank Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin’ dumped him. –Columbus Circle Overheard by: buffalo

I Need to Trade Up While I Still Have the Downpayment

Chick: My boyfriend told me that we shouldn’t keep our bank accounts together anymore. That way, when he bought the ring it would come out of his money, not our money.
Coworker: Awww, that’s sweet! What did you say?
Chick: I said that was a good idea… Which it is, because we’ll have to do it eventually when we break up. There is no way I’m gonna marry him.

–Vesey & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: On the periphery

Whereas Alanis Morissette Really Likes Me.

Guy: I went out with this girl recently, she was nice. I'm gonna see if she calls.
Girl: What? You're not gonna call her?
Guy: I think it takes some effort on her part, she should text or call and say thank you.
Girl: I usually do it the night of the date, saying thank you.
Guy: I think that's a sign that she doesn't like me.
Girl: I don't think so.

–LIRR

Wednesday One-Liners Remember elimiDATE Fondly

Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not anyone that I would be willing to invest years in… I mean I don't want to have to spend my time actually working on it. I figured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to someone a couple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the summer. No, she has no idea…

–Columbus & 62nd St

Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking.

–Columbia University

Woman to herself: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fucking joke!

–Spring & Hudson

Overheard by: Oscar Gamble

Firefighter to others: It's not that I have anything against commitment; I just like diversity.

–125th St Fairway

Overheard by: Just Shoppint

Man in shorts to another: I wouldn't date a girl with double vision, period.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Dr No-Eyes

Businesswoman to hobo: If you get back in the dating scene, I'll kill you.

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: Homeless guy must be hung

New York City Subway Stories

Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D…B…Q…Penn Station…D–
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear. –F train Overheard by: Cole Couture Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now. –1 train Overheard by: Hayley Man: This won’t do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train. At the next stop most of the car clears out. Man: That’s what I’m talking about. –A train A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck. Hispanic girl: You’re always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why’s it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man! –C train Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor’s booth and asked: Is that the bathroom? –A train