Older sister leading younger brother to sanctuary rail before mass: Now, you kneel down and you pray. Fold your hands like this (demonstrates) and now we pray. (begins murmuring “Our Father”)
Little brother (eyes sister anxiously, begins softly singing): A, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l…
Older sister: Are you praying?
–Jerome Ave & Morris Ave
Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Nader… Not!
Sorority chick leaving a democratic rally where hillary clinton spoke: God, they all sounded so political!
–Wagner College
5 year-old boy (to his mother): Is it true that obama's going to raise taxes?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Jen
Woman on cell: I'm trying to find joe sixpack. (pause) no, I don't know joe sixpack.
–98th & Broadway
Several middle-aged, wealthy #40 something upper east side ladies at the dinner table next to us at a french restaurant, discussing politics. The last point on sarah palin: "her hair's fine, her glasses are fine, her clothes are ok but I'm sorry, she's a fucking loser."
–Jacques Brasserie — Upper East Side
Overheard by: Lindsey Miller
Drunk girl: "if lil' wayne was president, things would be running much more smoothly."
–E Houston St & Lafayette St,
Overheard by: Teddy
"my cousin said that obama is the antichrist."
(pause).
"that's mad rude, right?"
–M66
Overheard by: Charley
Wednesday One-Liners: Guaranteed to Rot Your Teeth.
20-something women in yoga gear, simultaneously: It was like a blessing in cake form.
–Astor Place
Girl: I'm too single to eat a brownie.
–NYU Library
Guy on cell: Soft Serve is so good, you will step in dog poop and not even care!
–14th St b/w 7th & 8th
Serious guy on his way out of restaurant, to girl: So all we need are aspirin and Skittles.
–Angelo's Pizza
Assertive little boy in shopping cart seat, grabbing mom's face: I want to buy a chocolate croissant and eat it. Do you understand what I'm saying?
–Food Coop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Jenny
Wednesday One-Liners Say “Merry Fuckmas, New York!”
Large group of people dressed like Santa: What do we want? Christmas! When do we want it? Now!
–Washington Square
Overheard by: TR
Gay guy on cell: You don't want to see white Christmas. Honey, you don't understand… That was the whitest Christmas I have ever seen.
–Broadway & 43rd
20-something woman to 20-something guy, in April: It wouldn't be Christmas without you.
–Stromboli's Pizza
Mom to child yelling at her: Who do you think you're talking to? That's it, Christmas is over for you!
–135th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Yowza
Normal-looking woman to no one in particular: Look at Santa. The same letters as "Satan." Do you think Christmas has anything to do with Jesus? Where in the Bible does it say Jesus was born on December 24th? I tell you, Santa is Satan.
–Xmas Tree Stand, High School
Staples employee, in response to radio: Man! I want to move to Vietnam, or Pakistan, or wherever the fuck they don't care about Christmas.
–Staples, Union Square
Overheard by: Damon H.
Man to friend during interval: Have you heard about the Scientology Christmas pageant?
–Carnegie Hall
Be Afraid. Be Very Wednesday One-Liner.
Guy to girlfriend: How can you be really scared for 2012 when you thought it was 2013?
–Franklin & Eastern Parkway
Seven-year-old boy on bike, turning corner into small white dog: Shoooooooooooot son, that dog just scared the black out of me!
–Nostrand Ave & Prospect Pl
Overheard by: melyssalaree
Crazy guy, after screaming unintelligibly in 20-something's face: It's cool, I'm supposed to scare people! I'm the anti-Christ!
–Ave A b/w 5th & 6th St
Girl: I'm really scared I'm gonna be a sex addict. Like, I'm hoping it won't happen, but it probably will.
–High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
And Laugh About 'em Behind Their Backs
Indian snack counter vendor: What's that on your head, man?
Security guard with ash cross on head, in thick New York accent: It's ash Wednesday.
Indian snack counter vendor, snickering: Okay.
Security guard: Hey, I don't laugh at you guys when you put dots on your heads. You gotta respect other people's beliefs.
–9th St & Broadway
Overheard by: The Chocolate Muffin Sucked
Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait
Random girl: I think PETA should be informed any time an animal is fully submerged in a vagina.
–Webster Hall
Overheard by: Jen
20-something platinum blonde to another: Her vagina… Her vagina must be the size of, like, the Grand Canyon.
–7th Ave & 12th St
Girl, about her play: I don't think people are going to laugh about the vagina being killed on stage… Yeah, no one's gonna laugh when the vagina dies.
–NYU
Dude questioning another: What do mean by "moderate Taliban"? Like the women can wax their vaginas?
–Elizabeth Street
Young man shouting on cell: Then just tell her you don't like her vagina!
–26th St & Park Ave
Is There a Point to Gun Violence If You're Already Dead?
Random guy: Yeah, you know you never know who's walking next to you. Some of dis guys walk around with guns, some of dis guys have killed people. How do you know?
Bus driver: Yeah man, I mean you know if I ever make it to heaven and some of dis guys are up there wit me, I'm gonna be pissed!
–X1 Express Bus
Wednesday, with Some Scattered One-Liners in the Early Evening
Hobo: Everyone, please believe me, I had nothing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain!
–6 Train
Overheard by: thanks for that clearing that up
Black guy sitting on stoop to white guy standing the rain: I can't offer you a warm vagina but I can offer you a dry haven.
–1st Ave & 7th St
Overheard by: D Dot
Hobo to sky, as it begins to rain: You gotta do better than drizzling if you want to flood the Earth! We got murders and rapists down here! There are pedophiles and traffickers and thieves and liars and idolaters! I'm ready: I got the life goggles you sent me! (holds up scuba mask) Thank you for making me in your image, Lord. Amen.
–24th St b/w Broadway & 6th Ave
Overheard by: EmLo
Man, as it begins to rain: Goddamn rain, man! Only in New York!
–Park Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants
Woman on cell: Yeah, the weather is beautiful this morning. I'm strolling like a motherfucker.
–Lexington & 90th St
Crowding Out All the Perfectly Rational Jews, Catholics and Muslims
Drama queen: So we're so right for each other and we stayed up, like, forever talking, and then he kissed me. But don't get too excited; there's a huge problem.
Uninterested friend: Mmm-hm?
Drama queen: He's a Mormon. Like, his whole family is Mormon, and he kind of sort of believes in all that crap with the golden plates.
Uninterested friend, suddenly interested: Goddamn! Just when you think you've met the perfect guy, you find out that he's a Mormon. Shit. I tell you, those motherfuckers are everywhere!
–Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Actually, more like multiple-teenage-girl fuckers, but that just doesn't have the same ring.