Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Be Afraid. Be Very Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy to girlfriend: How can you be really scared for 2012 when you thought it was 2013?

–Franklin & Eastern Parkway

Seven-year-old boy on bike, turning corner into small white dog: Shoooooooooooot son, that dog just scared the black out of me!

–Nostrand Ave & Prospect Pl

Overheard by: melyssalaree

Crazy guy, after screaming unintelligibly in 20-something's face: It's cool, I'm supposed to scare people! I'm the anti-Christ!

–Ave A b/w 5th & 6th St

Girl: I'm really scared I'm gonna be a sex addict. Like, I'm hoping it won't happen, but it probably will.

–High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

And Laugh About 'em Behind Their Backs

Indian snack counter vendor: What's that on your head, man?
Security guard with ash cross on head, in thick New York accent: It's ash Wednesday.
Indian snack counter vendor, snickering: Okay.
Security guard: Hey, I don't laugh at you guys when you put dots on your heads. You gotta respect other people's beliefs.

–9th St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Chocolate Muffin Sucked

Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait

Random girl: I think PETA should be informed any time an animal is fully submerged in a vagina.

–Webster Hall

Overheard by: Jen

20-something platinum blonde to another: Her vagina… Her vagina must be the size of, like, the Grand Canyon.

–7th Ave & 12th St

Girl, about her play: I don't think people are going to laugh about the vagina being killed on stage… Yeah, no one's gonna laugh when the vagina dies.

–NYU

Dude questioning another: What do mean by "moderate Taliban"? Like the women can wax their vaginas?

–Elizabeth Street

Young man shouting on cell: Then just tell her you don't like her vagina!

–26th St & Park Ave

Wednesday, with Some Scattered One-Liners in the Early Evening

Hobo: Everyone, please believe me, I had nothing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain!

–6 Train

Overheard by: thanks for that clearing that up

Black guy sitting on stoop to white guy standing the rain: I can't offer you a warm vagina but I can offer you a dry haven.

–1st Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: D Dot

Hobo to sky, as it begins to rain: You gotta do better than drizzling if you want to flood the Earth! We got murders and rapists down here! There are pedophiles and traffickers and thieves and liars and idolaters! I'm ready: I got the life goggles you sent me! (holds up scuba mask) Thank you for making me in your image, Lord. Amen.

–24th St b/w Broadway & 6th Ave

Overheard by: EmLo

Man, as it begins to rain: Goddamn rain, man! Only in New York!

–Park Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants

Woman on cell: Yeah, the weather is beautiful this morning. I'm strolling like a motherfucker.

–Lexington & 90th St

Crowding Out All the Perfectly Rational Jews, Catholics and Muslims

Drama queen: So we're so right for each other and we stayed up, like, forever talking, and then he kissed me. But don't get too excited; there's a huge problem.
Uninterested friend: Mmm-hm?
Drama queen: He's a Mormon. Like, his whole family is Mormon, and he kind of sort of believes in all that crap with the golden plates.
Uninterested friend, suddenly interested: Goddamn! Just when you think you've met the perfect guy, you find out that he's a Mormon. Shit. I tell you, those motherfuckers are everywhere!

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Actually, more like multiple-teenage-girl fuckers, but that just doesn't have the same ring.

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Through a Stage

Theater geek: So I was looking at auditions for this post-apocalyptic drama, and the ad said, "we're looking for men, all shapes and sizes. Actually no, you have to be ridiculously skinny, totally emaciated, on the verge of death. And… oh yeah, you have to have stringy hair. And be really bony. And my dad said, "you definitely need to try out for this!"

–TKTS Booth, Times Square

Overheard by: Not Emaciated

Guy: No, I didn't do the graphics–I mean, the play's about Adam and Eve, but do they put naked people on the postcard to sell tickets? No, they have a cartoon of an apple. I don't understand.

–Minetta Lane Theater

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Bathroom attendant at West Side Story: C'mon, people! Short line, long intermission! (toilet flushes) Hear that? That's music to somebody's bladder!

–Palace Theatre

Overheard by: Maggie

Audience member, at interval of Aida: Hey, this is better than Grease!

–Metropolitan Opera

Disgruntled usher: I swear by every god of Jupiter that these are your seats.

–The Ambassador Theatre, 49th & Broadway

Overheard by: The Moons of Jupiter Were Already Spoken For

Don't Read Too Much Into These Wednesday One-Liners

Check in girl: I only like buying books with sparkles on the cover.

–York & 72nd

Overheard by: fance

Teenage girl on cell: I gotta find this book in the religion section. You know, it's like… it's not that you believe in god, or you don't believe in god, but that you just don't care? I want that book!

–Borders Bookstore, Midtown

Amtrak conductor: A free copy of Amtrak's Arrive magazine is located in your seat pocket. For those seeking enlightenment, this magazine is the first step.

–Train, Penn Station

Student, discussing The Sound and the Fury: I suppose it's a very *artsy* ending–a big, retarded guy holding a broken flower… Does that come with skinny jeans and an apartment in Williamsburg?

–Stuyvesant High School

Tipsy 30-something nerd: We can't all be riding escalators with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, lady? It's a literary reference, look it up!

–1st & 7th

Overheard by: Phyllis Dean