Archive for the ‘Robbing the Cradle’ Category

Where's Wednesday One-Liner's Busy Bee? It Needs Its Busy Bee!!

Crazy older guy to lady in park with barking dog: Lady, you keep that dog quiet! That dog is better-looking than you are.

–W 63rd & West End

Overheard by: Beez and Newb

Guy in red shirt: You make me feel so pedophilic when I tell you about violating my dog.

–Central Park

Man on cell: You're always saying your dog is sick! "My dog has diarrhea! I can't come out!"

–Fulton & Broadway

Overheard by: would you rather she have it?

Black kid to white couple walking poodle: I've only seen dogs like that in movies.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Poodle Lady

Girl on cell: So I'm getting off the a and I see this tall girl and I know her! So I'm like "Sarah?" and she's like "I haven't seen you since middle school!" and she cut all her hair off and she's like "When did you dye your hair black?" and my hair's soooo not black! But I saw Sarah! You know, the one whose cat tried to eat my toes off that one time! So we talked and then there was this lady who was totally tossing chow all over the place! Hello! Trash can right there—hold up, I gotta go, I see a Weiner dog!

–72nd St & Central Park West

Wednesday One-Liners: Willing, but Unripe

Loud-mouthed girl to friends: She says, "I've had sex with over 100 men." And so I says, "girl! You fourteen!"

–R Train

Thirty-something black man to Catholic high school girls: So what's it take for a couple of black guys to get to play with y'all's skirts?

–Metro-North

Overheard by: kfkdjsdf

Father to infant daughter in stroller: Hey! Close your legs!

–SoHo

Professor: Your favorite teacher from high school turned out to be a pedophile? Seriously? Well was he a real pedophile, or just a hooking-up-with-teenage-students kind of pedophile?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Jack Package

13-year-old girl on phone: So guess what… I lost my virginity last night… looks like you owe me a soda.

–H & M

Overheard by: Imani

You Know Things Are Bad When You Have to Be Reminded You're a Pedophile

Hipster guy: So, are you doing anything tomorrow night?
Girl: I don't think so.
Hipster guy: Cool. I'll get you the address for the place my band is playing at. We can hang afterwards.
Girl: Awesome!
Girl's mom, to hipster: Don't bother. She's 17. And you're a pedophile.
Hipster guy: Oh. Right. Sorry. (leaves)
Girl: Goddamn it, mom! You're such a fucking cockblock!

–Jules Jazz Bar

Overheard by: Millie

Wednesday One-Liners Want Angelina Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"

–Fulton St

Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn

Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.

–Downtown 2 Train

Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!

–10th & 53rd

Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.

–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Bryan Bruner

Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice

Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez

Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes.

–Denny's

Overheard by: student-19

Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Anne

12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me.

–Forest Parkway

Overheard by: Jason A

Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo!

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: j

Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!

–Fordham Law School

Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens College

Our Site Wouldn't Be the Same Without the Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to long-haired hipster playing around with remote-control car: Get a job, asshole!

–Norfolk & Rrivington, Lower East Side

Overheard by: globalvillageidiot

Hobo to passerby: Hey, wanna cum on my ass?

–72nd St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rei

Hobo to girl giving him money: Not too much, gorgeous!

–13th St & University

Hobo: What time is bedtime at the Neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand! (pause) Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds? Because there's twenty of them!

–1 Train

Bag lady, screaming and chasing a suit: You muthafucka, you stole my 401k! I'ma getchya and take it back!

–52nd & 6th

Overheard by: Get me out of Finance