Archive for the ‘Robbing the Cradle’ Category

Our Site Wouldn't Be the Same Without the Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to long-haired hipster playing around with remote-control car: Get a job, asshole!

–Norfolk & Rrivington, Lower East Side

Overheard by: globalvillageidiot

Hobo to passerby: Hey, wanna cum on my ass?

–72nd St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rei

Hobo to girl giving him money: Not too much, gorgeous!

–13th St & University

Hobo: What time is bedtime at the Neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand! (pause) Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds? Because there's twenty of them!

–1 Train

Bag lady, screaming and chasing a suit: You muthafucka, you stole my 401k! I'ma getchya and take it back!

–52nd & 6th

Overheard by: Get me out of Finance

Wednesday's the Most Sensitive Part Of Your One-Liner

Guy to girl: I have a proprietary interest in your nipples.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Hobo coming out of cardboard box to group of blonde chicks: Run yo nipples!

–Blake St

Teenage girl: It's so fucking cold my nipples could pick up radio stations.

–Central Park

20-something Asian guy: But I know babies' nipples are so sensitive…

–Grand & Eldridge

Hobo, yelling at couple on the street: What the hell I look like to you? Huh?! I'm a gangsta! If I had three nipples and no legs, I'd still get laid! (shakes cane at them)

–41st & 8th

Overheard by: S&B at STJ

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"

–Macy's, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."

–96th & Columbus Ave

Wednesday One-Liner Menthols

Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in!

–33rd & Park Ave

Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack.

–74th & Lexington

Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them… And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit…it's part of their religion!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that.

–Marymount Manhattan College

Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio."

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: innocent bystander

High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste!

–Chambers St

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie