Archive for the ‘Robbing the Cradle’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners: Willing, but Unripe

Loud-mouthed girl to friends: She says, "I've had sex with over 100 men." And so I says, "girl! You fourteen!" –R Train Thirty-something black man to Catholic high school girls: So what's it take for a couple of black guys to get to play with y'all's skirts? –Metro-North Overheard by: kfkdjsdf Father to infant daughter in stroller: Hey! Close your legs! –SoHo Professor: Your favorite teacher from high school turned out to be a pedophile? Seriously? Well was he a real pedophile, or just a hooking-up-with-teenage-students kind of pedophile? –Fordham University Overheard by: Jack Package 13-year-old girl on phone: So guess what… I lost my virginity last night… looks like you owe me a soda. –H & M Overheard by: Imani

You Know Things Are Bad When You Have to Be Reminded You're a Pedophile

Hipster guy: So, are you doing anything tomorrow night?
Girl: I don't think so.
Hipster guy: Cool. I'll get you the address for the place my band is playing at. We can hang afterwards.
Girl: Awesome!
Girl's mom, to hipster: Don't bother. She's 17. And you're a pedophile.
Hipster guy: Oh. Right. Sorry. (leaves)
Girl: Goddamn it, mom! You're such a fucking cockblock! –Jules Jazz Bar Overheard by: Millie

Wednesday One-Liners: Unclean! Unclean!

20-something female on cell: But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs. –23rd St & 5th Ave Customer, after placing order: …with hardboiled eggs.
Gay waiter: Hardboiled eggs smell like dirty assholes, an I've seen a few dirty assholes. –Denny's Overheard by: student-19 Preppy guy on cell: No, dude! I don't know, like…like really dirty girls. –86th & Lexington Overheard by: Anne 12-year-old boy to mother: The bum, you know! The dirty man that plays with me. –Forest Parkway Overheard by: Jason A Guy dancing on new lawn: This isn't even good grass! It's dirty, yo! –Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald. –11th St & 5th Ave Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic. –Brooklyn Botanical Gardens Overheard by: Hunter (aka Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep. –St. Mark's Place Overheard by: j Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification! –Fordham Law School Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are. –Queens College

Our Site Wouldn't Be the Same Without the Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to long-haired hipster playing around with remote-control car: Get a job, asshole! –Norfolk & Rrivington, Lower East Side Overheard by: globalvillageidiot Hobo to passerby: Hey, wanna cum on my ass? –72nd St & Amsterdam Overheard by: Rei Hobo to girl giving him money: Not too much, gorgeous! –13th St & University Hobo: What time is bedtime at the Neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand! (pause) Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds? Because there's twenty of them! –1 Train Bag lady, screaming and chasing a suit: You muthafucka, you stole my 401k! I'ma getchya and take it back! –52nd & 6th Overheard by: Get me out of Finance

Wednesday's the Most Sensitive Part Of Your One-Liner

Guy to girl: I have a proprietary interest in your nipples. –Park Slope Overheard by: Hunter (aka Hobo coming out of cardboard box to group of blonde chicks: Run yo nipples! –Blake St Teenage girl: It's so fucking cold my nipples could pick up radio stations. –Central Park 20-something Asian guy: But I know babies' nipples are so sensitive… –Grand & Eldridge Hobo, yelling at couple on the street: What the hell I look like to you? Huh?! I'm a gangsta! If I had three nipples and no legs, I'd still get laid! (shakes cane at them) –41st & 8th Overheard by: S&B at STJ

Wednesday One-Liner Menthols

Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in! –33rd & Park Ave Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack. –74th & Lexington Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them… And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit…it's part of their religion! –23rd & Park Ave Overheard by: Francesca Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that. –Marymount Manhattan College Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio." –Lower East Side Overheard by: innocent bystander High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste! –Chambers St