Little boy: My stomach hurts!
Teacher: How does it hurt? What does it feel like?
Little boy: It's… Almost like how it feels being pregnant.
–Public School, The Bronx
Archive for the ‘School’ Category
…As Seen in Urls Gone Wild.
Middle school boy: Hey, do you like the URLs I got for my project?
Teacher: Yeah, your URLs are sexy!
–Packer Collegiate Institute
Oh, That's Not Your Real Color?
Platinum blonde chick: I had another nightmare last night.
Friend: About what?
Platinum blonde chick: Dyeing my hair black.
–Elevator, Pratt Institute
Isn't That “Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker”?
Teacher: So, in Gangs of New York, Amsterdam throws the bible into the river. What does this represent?
Student #1: He's rejecting his religion because he wants to get revenge.
Teacher: Right. The bible says…
Student #2: “You shall not get revenge”!
Teacher: I don't think that's actually what it says.
Student #2: Yeah, whatever… It could be the 11th commitment!
–St. Francis Prep, Queens
Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Hot?
20-something guy dressed as Edward Cullen for Halloween: So anyway, I walk in, and they are both sitting there, playing with each other's erections…
–Bedford Ave & Berry St
Overheard by: Marie Miller Barnes
Ginger kid in audience, as photo of awkward Asian teen sticking banana in his mouth is projected on movie screen: I am definitely aroused.
–Tisch School of the Arts
Joggers to another: Raging hard-ons!
–Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Katie
20-something girl to another: How could he not go out with you? I mean, you gave him a boner at Relay For Life!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Becca
Your Editors Hadn't.
Teacher #1: Any other food rules I should know?
Teacher #2: Don't eat bay leaves.
Teacher #3: “Babies”?
Teachers #1 and #2: Bay leaves.
Teacher #3: Oh. I thought you said “don't eat babies.”
Teacher #1: Have you read The Road?
–Middle School
Dad Did All the Crying
Nine-year-old girl #1: My mom says that she was in so much pain giving birth to me that they had to give her surgery. My head was too big.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Your head is not big!
Nine-year-old girl #1: Yeah, but when I was a baby it was huge.
Nine-year-old girl #2: Weird. Did you have some sort of disease?
Nine-year-old girl #1: No, but when I came out I wasn't crying, I was twirling my hair.
–Mannes College of Music
Dude, at Least Blame It on a Big Stinky Monster.
Lady, seeing long line for toilet: What a long line! Is there anyone in the men's room? I'll use it, why not? It's the same! (Knocks on door, gets no answer. Opens door)
Lady: Woooooo! The smell!
(stands there for 30 seconds with grimace, complaining)
Poor little boy, coming out of bathroom, in shaky voice: There's… There's no one else in there.
–School, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Wallflower
It's Almost Like Male Cheerleaders Don't Like Girls or Something!
Ghetto girl #1: Like, at least he's honest about it.
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, I know. Like I hate it when guys be fronting and saying they can get it up when they can't.
–City as School, Girls' Bathroom
Well, Could Somebody Please Slap Her?
First grade teacher, leaving park after field trip: Okay everybody. (counts kids) Oh my god! Where's Kate?
First grade girl with glasses: She's having a breakdown.
–Near Trinity Day School Campus