Black woman security guard: My coworker smoked half a cigarette and tossed it, but before it hit the ground some guy grabbed it and started smoking it.
Black guy: That shit nasty!
Black woman security guard: Sheeeit, cigarettes are $10 a pack!! That's a bag of weed, yo!
–Au Bon Pain, 35th &7th
Overheard by: Darkua
Archive for the ‘Security Guards’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Are Fully Prepared to Dial 911
Female black security guard to male black security guard: So you got two kids that you know of…
–MoMa
Security agent: You are now entering the metal detector area, so those of you with wooden cell phones should feel free to keep those in your pockets.
–JFK
Overheard by: Jason
Security guard to teens blocking entrance: Hmm, just what I need at 9 am, a motherfucking school group.
–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television
Overheard by: scarface
Security guard on cell: Why isn't your hand on your butt?
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Lord Almighty
Library security guard: Welcome to the library, where your wildest dreams come true.
–St. John's University
Maybe Wallpaper the Fortress Of Solitude
Security guard #1: Yes sir, yes sir, I am definitely gonna put my pimp foot forward, yes sir, and then I'm gonna go home and change into my Superman outfit…and drink some coffee. Yes sir!
Security guard #2: Mmhmm!
–116th & Amsterdam, Columbia
Overheard by: camillia*
Just Don't Be Slutting It Up in the Museum
Girl to security guard going through her purse: You can open that if you want, it's just my make up.
Security guard: Girl, I don't need to see all your warpaint!
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Amanda
Have You Ever Considered Modeling, Wednesday One-Liner?
Man walking in to immigration center to immigration security guard: You look very elegant today.
–Immigration Application Support Center, Queens
Lady: Oh my gosh, Casey looks so good! You would never know that he's blind!
–W 20th St & 9th Ave
Overheard by: Katie AK
Slightly tipsy elderly suit: Do you know where I can find a beautiful woman? Someone to spend the rest of my life with?
–Metropolitan Museum Info Desk
A Capella group leader, walking into train: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thursday. We are a Doo Whop group and we are here to entertain you. If you like what you hear, show us some love. If you are miserable, hell, add more fiber to your diet. This Sunday, we will be saluting the best-looking people on the subway. Have a fiberrific day!
–6 Train
Overheard by: Em Allears
Ghetto black chick after someone took a picture of her: Did you get all the beautifulness?
–Saks Fifth Avenue
Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy
There's a Guy on Canal Streeet Who Sells Them Out Of His Van
Guard: Sir, no visitors allowed.
American tourist: Why not?
Guard: Only employees are allowed in, sir.
American tourist: But what if I wanted to do business in there?
Guard: In the stock exchange? Like…what?
American tourist: Like, what if I wanted to buy stocks?
–Entrance of NYSE, Wall St
Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?
Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!
–Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St
Overheard by: Nicky
Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!
–Shea Stadium
Overheard by: megan
Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!
–143 & Malcolm X
Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!
–33rd & 2nd
Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.
–NYU Palladium Dining Hall
And Even There They Just Do It for Laughs
Girl going through security: Do I have to take off my shoes?
Security guard with Eastern European accent: No, no, is no need. We are not crazy. We are not at the airport.
–Top of the Rock Observation Deck
Overheard by: Those were NOT my roommates!
Think Some Squats Would Help Me?
Security guard #1: Hey, my friend brought over a magazine with that Kardashian chick on the cover.
Security guard #2: Yeah…
Security guard #1: She's got a big ass.
–One Penn Plaza Office Building
Yet When We Go to Your Country and Say “But We're American!”…
Toy soldier guarding FAO Schwarz: The store is now closed. No exceptions.
Man wearing pants that could only be European: But meester, we are from eetaly!
–FAO Schwarz
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com