Archive for the ‘Southerners’ Category

“The Old Dom” Doesn’t Sound Quite So Hot

Southern man: What the hell is a steak free-tes?
Southern woman: Oh honey, it’s a chicken fried steak and they probably serve it with grits. This is where famous people come to eat like real human beings.
Southern man: Well hell, they should call it somethin’ more respectable than Pasties. –Pastis, 9th & Little W. 12th Overheard by: Jack B. Nimble

Nothing Fucking Happens in Alabama

Southern lady whining to friend in same bathroom stall: She has three kids now, and I’m not the godmother for any of them! But she’s the godmother for my kid… What the fuck is that? Y’know, the godparents are supposed to care for your kids if you die. I would never let her care for my kids.
Friend: This doesn’t happen in Alabama. –40th & 6th

Scott Baio Is 45…and a Wednesday One-Liner

Man to woman: You wouldn't procreate with Boomer Esiason, even though he's the king of Cincinnati? –Deli, Canal & Hudson Overheard by: Uncle Bling Man on cell: Elvis made ten million dollars last year and he's dead. There's no reason I can't make a thousand. –Park Slope Hipster: I like Steve Buscemi a lot more than I like you. –Life Cafe, Bushwick Overheard by: D Woman in Southern accent to man: Look, the McGraw-Hill building. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill must own that building! –W 49th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Michael Middle aged white man to friend: I finally figured it out. "Mystikal" sounds like a constipated Samuel L. Jackson. –LIRR

I Thought It Would Be Harder to Teach Y’all Manners

Southern tourist: Is this Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, this is Roosevelt Avenue, in Queens.
Southern tourist: What? So it is Roosevelt Island?
NY woman: No, I said it is not Roosevelt Island. This is the Roosevelt Avenue stop. You are in Queens.
Southern tourist: I don’t understand, am I on Roosevelt Island?
Suit: Ma’am, you are in Queens right now, specifically, Roosevelt Avenue. Roosevelt Avenue is not the same as Roosevelt Island. If you want to be at Roosevelt Island, you have to take the train going in the other direction about three stops. Either way, get off the damn train and quit delaying the rest of us.
Southern tourist: Why won’t anybody answer my question?
NY woman: You know what? This is Roosevelt Island, we’re all wrong. Get off.
Southern tourist: Was that so hard? –Roosevelt Avenue stop, F train Overheard by: SandmanEsq

I Like to Braid It Using Only My Tongue

Woman with strong Southern accent: I am gonna have her bachelorette party in my apartment next weekend.
Husband: (nods)
Woman: But the goddamn stripper won't return my phone calls.
(waitress brings shots)
Woman: What is this?
Waitress: Tequila, on us.
Woman: This'll put hair on my boobies.
Husband's friends: That's just how he likes it.
Husband: (nods) –Brother Jimmy's BBQ, Upper West Side