Old Coot: When you take over someone’s empire, you get more of them coming in. I turned on the ball game, and the stadium was all Spanish! This guy came to talk to me from the Daily News, and it turned out to be El Diario! –Carmine St.
Vapid girl: It's like how some people go on long runs to train for marathons. I eat cheese to condition my stomach for when I don't eat vegan.
Neighboring diner to girlfriend: The world will a much better place once we start eating people like her.
–Atlas Cafe, 2nd Ave
Extreme sports guy #1: I broke my leg last summer.
Extreme sports guy #2: Dude, I broke my leg once. I broke both bones in both wrists this one time.
Extreme sports guy #1: What, were you snowboarding or something?
Extreme sports guy #2: No, I fell off the monkey bars. I was in the third grade.
Guy with squash equipment #1: Let's squash.
Guy with squash equipment #2: We squashed her all night and we squished her all day.
Guy with squash equipment #1: That's disgusting.
–Gym, Columbia University
Overheard by: Nava
Man to friend: I don't know what made him think he could outrun an alligator!
Overheard by: Lory
Father to young son: Holy shit, Joey, look at the turtles! They're stackin' and rackin' 'em!
–Central Park Zoo
Mom to kid, pointing to seal exhibit: Look! Otters!
–Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Rebecca
Young man, joyfully throwing his arms in the air: Then all of the lemmings go off of the cliff!
Overheard by: Aaron
Douche tourist #1: Yeah, so, I've been hanging out in Bed-Stuy a lot. You know, where Biggie Smalls grew up? It's the real hood. I'm having so much fun. You can get, like, Chinese food, and the guy's just like “okay, man, okay” if you don't have a gun.
Douche tourist #2: Yeah. It makes you think, how we live in, like, this little bubble.
Douche tourist #1: Totally. But I used to have a fake ID for teenage rebellion. But Minneapolis is such a 21-and-over town. They took the ID away from me. (sighs) That was such a great ID.
Douche tourist #2: Do you know Sam? She plays hockey.
Douche tourist #1: Real hockey, or…
Douche tourist #2: No, girl hockey.
Douche tourist #1: You mean field hockey. I love field hockey. I'm serious, I want to play field hockey so bad. I think it's reverse sexism that they don't let guys play.
Douche tourist #2: Well, guys can play. You'd just have to play against each other, not the girls.
Douche tourist #1: Why?
Douche tourist #2: Well, guys are stronger than girls.
Douche tourist #1: But what if we wore the same skirts? Than we'd be too embarrassed to play good.
–Coffee Shop, 8th St
Customer at deli called “Bagel”: So, do you serve bagels here?
Waitress: No, we actually serve sports gear, but the models next door sells bagels.
Overheard by: Amanda
Guy in courtyard, doing pelvic thrusts: Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and…
Girl to friends: Yeah, after he stopped doing yoga it all went downhill…
Guy on cell, screaming: I'm a machine! I'm unstoppable! Who goes out till four in the morning and then destroys a triathlon the next day? I'm a machine!
–91st St & York Ave
50-something yoga instructor: Bring attention to your reproductive organs, squeeze them as hard as you can, and release. Let them go, let them hang loose.
Overheard by: Puff
Conductor: I was watching the winter Olympics speed skating and I got to thinking about the summer Olympics. A New Yorker should win the 100 meter dash. All they have to do is put an open train door at the end of the track and start the race with "boop boop." You know that New Yorker is going to win the gold. Ya'll have a good day now.
Overheard by: Commuter #1,792,824
Mother: I want you to always be safe whenever you're in the woods, a lake, or the mountains.
Boy: But I'm always in control!
Mother: No one's always in control.
Boy: What about Michael Phelps?
Mother: No. The only one always in control is…?
Boy, bored: God.
Overheard by: amused family member
Soccer fan #1, disturbed by screaming children while watching World Cup: Where the hell did all these kids come from?
Soccer fan #2, still watching screen: My guess is various wombs.
–Sports Bar, Red Hook
Overheard by: KP Whitey