Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Afghanistan is an Early Olympic Favorite

Guy: So then why are guys from the Eastern Europe and black guys so good at basketball?
Dad: Natural selection.
Guy: What?
Dad: They’ve had to fight to survive. It weeds out the physically inadequate.
Guy: Give me a break. It’s the ghetto, not some Hobbesian state of nature; they’re not cavemen living in anarchy up there. –Madison Square Garden

He Won his Brain in a Lottery too

Guy #1, waiting for the Wicked ticket lottery: What happens if we both win two sets of tickets?
Guy #2: Ummm. Then we resell them.
Guy #1: I thought you couldn’t do that.
Guy #2: Only if you sell them for more than they’re worth. So we could sell these for $25 each.
Guy #1: Or we could give them away.
Guy #2: You do realize we’re paying $25 each, don’t you?
Guy #1: Uh… we are?

–Outside the Gershwin Theatre

Overheard by: did not win tickets

There’s No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: Alright, everybody, be careful out on the platform, because it’s gonna be crowded. Despite your instincts, no pushing anyone onto the tracks. Red Sox fans are to remain seated until all Yankee fans have disembarked from the train. This is a sign of respect.

–4 train, 161st St & Yankee Stadium stop

Old Yankee fan: That Shawn Green was a great pick up by the Mets. He’s Jewish, and there are a lot of Jews in New York.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Met fan in hell

Bitter Yankee fan: What the fuck?! A-rod gets paid four million dollars a month? For what?! I can barely clear 24 grand, and I went to college for eight years.

–Loki Lounge, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Troy B.

Conductor: Because the Met game has just ended, this train is now a local train. To repeat, we left Times Square as an express, but we are now a local because the Met game has ended. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but the Met fans are more important than you.

–7 train

Thug on cell: I was walking down the street the other morning and I saw this dead guy. He looked like a bum and he was really dirty and people were walking by looking him, but he wasn’t moving. His fingers were all swollen and he smelled really bad and there were bugs crawling on his face. Then I looked and he was wearing a Yankees shirt, and I was like, ‘Yo, that shit is mad symbolic.’

–7 train to Shea Stadium

If You Love Wednesday So Much, Why Don’t You One-Liner It?

Woman talking to cute businessman: Oh I totally love, like, water and all that jazz!

–Newark Flight

DJ to crowd: If ya love ya mama put ya put ya mothafuckin hand up the skyyyyy!

–Hammerstein Ballroom

Crazy man in leather pants: Bitches, I seen it all! Bitches, hoes, I done it all… Y’all, who won the Yankees game last night? I said, who won the Yankees game last night?! Can I get a motherfucking answer? [Pause.] Fuck all y’all, fuck all y’all niggas, black, white, fuck all y’all white niggas [Pause.] Bitches, hoes, Cadillacs! I done it all! Fuck all y’all [Pause.] Peace, love, and respect baby for all. I love all y’all.

–A Train

Overheard by: Sam

Girl on cell: …but I have to go now -I’m busy lovin’. I said I’m lovin’. I have to go!

–Outside Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

20-something woman: I need more people in my life who love my knees.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: McFreaky

Boy: I’m going to have a business card made. Some finance company. Girls love that stuff.

–6 Train

Overheard by: oya

Wednesday One-Liners Bust Out One-Armed Pushups for Fun

Chick on cell: Yeah, I'm like a hardcore rollerblader now. I just haven't learned how to stop yet.

–44th & 3rd

Steroid Freak: So I was hanging from his torso and then we tried to insert the triangle…

–25th & Lexington

Young man to friend: He likes me, he likes my style… he wants me to contort my limbs on a float.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Bored teenage girl (from 2nd story window): Hello, Mr Runner man! You've got a long way to go! I see you across the street there, wearing all black. These are words of encouragement! I support your acts of fitness!

–Vanderbilt & Bergen

Overheard by: Jilly

Female power-walker with cigarette: I used to be able to make a mile in under 7, but that was, you know, way back in college, before the job and the (runs out of breath) …way back.

–Prospect Park Loop

Overheard by: EmLo