Archive for the ‘Stab’ Category

Now You Have to Schlep Out to Queens for That Sort of Entertainment

Chick: So what are the most dangerous places in New York these days?
Dude #1: I don’t know. Hell’s Kitchen used to be the worst.
Dude #2: What about Harlem?
Dude #1: I guess Harlem’s still bad, but it’s not like it used to be where everybody would be waiting around to stab lost white people.


–1 Train


Overheard by: Alex Remnick

Wednesday One-Liners Take Advantage Of Medicare While They Still Can

Blonde on cell: So it was either an ambulance or a taqueria.

–Times Square

Girl on cell: What? What!? Go to the hospital. Go to the hospital! Please. Why? Because when you get stabbed you go to the hospital, you don’t go and lay down.

–Jersey Transit

Thug, in a rush: Look, I don’t give a fuck! I just want Medicaid!

–13th & 3rd

Disgruntled male gynecologist: We’re the bastard stepchildren of the surgery world. General surgeons barely think we’re human. "Oh, don’t get up, it’s just a gynecologist." I could have been a general surgeon, a plastic surgeon, a dentist, a lawyer… I’d be making more money, too. My brother’s cat needed a caesarian section and the vet got paid more than I get paid to do a caesarian section!

–Gynecology Office, 32nd & Madison

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: I told you I was sick and needed to go to the doctor’s! I can’t even swallow! I tried food, water and liquids!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ross

Chick in scrubs (lighting cigarette) to friend in scrubs: My heart rate won’t go down!

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: McFreaky

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

That’ll Teach Vito to Blab to the Feds

Drunk white dude: We saw this fuckin’ rat in our pantry, so I whisper over to my roommate, ‘Dude, dude! There’s a fucking rat in the pantry!’ So I, like, grab a butter knife and shit, and like, I stabbed it! I fuckin’ stabbed that fuckin’ rat!
Black chick: Wow! Did you kill it?
Drunk white dude: Nah, it like, bled a lot and shit, so we threw it in the dumpster. I tried to, like, smash its skull, but I couldn’t do it.
Drunk white girl, not part of their conversation: Shut the fuck up!

–8th St station

Don’t Run with Wednesday One-Liners

Mini yuppie: No way. I’d put the knife down and walk away. You never run.

–9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Old man tourist: He’s drawin’ a sword outta her, an’ she’s havin’ a sexual fantasy.

–New Greco-Roman galleries, the Met

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Yuppie to two girls: Yeah, but it’s more personal if you stab them with a knife.

–Prospect Park West, Park Slope

Overheard by: diane

Kid to father: I’m sick of swords! My head is full of swords!

–Arms and Weapons wing, the Met

Overheard by: e.Beth

Girl struggling with knot: Do you have anything sharp? Like a sword? Wait a minute, I have a sword! [She pulls out a sword.]

–51st & 5th

Dad to rambunctious young sons: No! We are not getting swords out!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Tempo