Archive for the ‘Stall Spies’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are Next to Godliness

Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.

–54th & Broadway

Overheard by: J-Dawg

Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?

–Columbia Bathroom

Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.

–34 Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: truly confused

Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!

–2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves

Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?

–C Train

Overheard by: Davis Baker

Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit!

–Broadway & Great Jones

Overheard by: Jon A.

Wednesday One-Liners Have Never Been Married… Just Sayin’

Old queer: You won’t believe your eyes in Plainfield. There’s not one heterosexual in Plainfield.

–75th & Columbus

Amazed nerd teen: They did this study on women who are ovulating, and even in gay bars when they’re ovulating they get way more dick.

–S’nice Coffee Bar, 14th St & 8th Ave

Big black girl: So being gay, when a straight person says, "You can stay over with me, but I’m not inviting you to touch me…" No, girl! You *are* inviting me to touch you.

–C Train

Overheard by: Lemuel

Random guy in stall next me: It’s a cluster fuck… Out there, not here, you don’t think I’m gay, do you?

–JFK Bathroom

Guy with to few friends: I’m the most homophobic gay man ever.

–Staten Island Perkins Diner

IT manager: Do you know how long ago 1984 was? I was straight!

–915 Broadway, Manhattan

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Pass “Go”; Do Not Collect $200

Guy: I don’t think you’re supposed to like being incarcerated.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: mkb

Middle-aged man on phone: I’m telling you, if I turn myself in now I won’t be in court for six months.

–50th & 8th

Grungy guy to his friend: …Dude, you have no idea how many times I’ve been in this courthouse…

–Giants Parade, in Front of the Courthouse

Overheard by: Julian

Guy on phone: We really got ourselves in some deep shit with this one. I hope he gets out sooner for good behavior. We should have never gotten involved.

–JFK Airport

Woman, yelling in stall: I will read you your Miranda rights, bitch! I will arrest you!

–Port Authority Women’s Bathroom

Overheard by: unsure if she is crazy or on the phone

Cashier on phone: No, you don’t understand, miss. That is perjury. If I do that, I will go to jail… No, you are not listening to me. I would be arrested. I would serve time…[hangs up, turns to customers.] Can I help you?

–Harlem U-Haul

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Remember This Tomorrow

Loud, shit-faced Asian girl to strangers: You want some of this? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love sex. [falls forward, taps stranger on forehead.] herro! Anybody home?! [laughs hysterically].

–Metro North

Drunk chick: Fuck technology, first it kills the bees, now it’s killing my ovaries!

–A Train

Drunk guy: Last night I shit on my balls!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunk girl to drunk boyfriend: Well, you fingered me in the cab!

–A Train

Drunk preppy businessman: Just tell her to put the oil in the noodles and rub it all over the chest…

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Drunk girl in the bathroom, picking up plastic bag from the garbage: Whose baby is this?!?!

–Madison Square Garden Bathroom

Nothing to Be Ashamed of — It’s Just Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck!

–Indian restaurant

Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah!

–Staten Island Ferry

Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power!

–NYC Main Library

Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass!

–Morimoto

Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat

50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe.

–Barney’s

Overheard by: Caryn

None of Them Would Talk to Me

Preppy guy #1: How was that bar in Midtown?
Preppy guy #2: Dude, it was awesome… It was full of hot chicks.
Preppy guy #1: If it was so great, why did you text me eight times in one hour and are now standing next to me pissing at this bar?

–Restroom, Delancey Bar

Overheard by: Al

Being Shameless Is Better Than Body Armor

Woman: I just couldn’t believe they would do that to another human being. The guy had one leg, and the employees walked in on him in the bathroom on purpose — had themselves a big laugh.
Friend, in stall: If that was me, I’d pull down my pants, spread my crack, and really give them something to laugh about. Mmm-hm.

–Bathroom, Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Natalie G.