Archive for the ‘Store’ Category

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!

Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!

–Lingerie Department, Macy's

Overheard by: me neither

Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.

–W Broadway & Grand

Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.

–108th & Broadway

Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.

–Empire State Building

Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!

–48th & 8th

Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times

Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can’t refill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!

–CVS/pharmacy

Overheard by: Amused customer in line

Use a Wednesday, So You Don't Get One-Linered Up

Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

–Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station

Overheard by: Jon A.

Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?

–Times Square

Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: "If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant."? Seriously!

–Broadway & 103rd St

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.

–Outside Trader Joe's, 14th St

Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy–the baby snow monkey–came along. So be careful with your birth control.

–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys

Girl to another: I just don't see why we can't make our own condoms.

–14th St & 4th Ave

And All This Time I Thought It Was a Compatibility Issue

Semi-irate customer: You mean all you did was swap out the USB cable?
Apple store guy: I guess the old girl just likes some new cable once in a while.

–Apple Store, West 14th

Headline by: g

Runners-Up:
· “…and If Your Feeling Adventurous, Try the Firewire Port.” – You might need some plugins first though…
· “And Occasionally a Bigger Hard Drive” – Chris
· “How Steve Jobs Talks Raunchy” – Julia
· “Now Take Her Home, Boot Her Up and Give a Little Wine and TLC Before You Go Trying to Violate All Her Ports Again.” – Gabbertoons
· “Too Many and She’ll Get a Virus” – Henk


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Is That Any Creepier Than a Store with a Hair Salon for Dolls?

Child with doll in tow: Mommy, I really want Mia.
Park avenue mom #1: Well, maybe. Wouldn’t it be cool if they just sold the heads?
Park Avenue mom #2, poking head out of stall: What?
Park Avenue mom #1: Like, if they just sold Julie’s head, or Addy’s head?

–American Girl Store Bathroom

Overheard by: Layla

Paris: But, Nicole, You’re Black

Rich chick: So now he’s telling me we need a kid. I don’t want one, but he says we can adopt and avoid all the messy stuff.
Friend: So are you going to?
Rich chick: I said I’d consider it if we can get one that’s actually white. You know. ‘Cause you never really know what they’re giving you.
Friend: That’s so true.

–Macy’s

Mass Suffering Is the New Black

Female employee #1: Have you seen the “Save Darfur” shirts? I want one.
Female employee #2: No.
(after ten minutes)
Female employee #1
: See? Here’s the “Save Darfur” shirt. I really want one.

Female employee #2: What’s that?
Female employee #1: “Save Darfur”.
Female employee #2: What?
Female employee #1: You know, in Africa, where all that genocide is happening…
Female employee #2: Oh. (pause) I love the color!
Female employee #1: Yeah.

–Dressing Room, Urban Outfitters, 72nd Street & Broadway

Overheard by: ewg

Wednesday One-Liners Use “Summer” As a Verb

Older woman to friend: Down there where the servants are, you know, where the gardening people and the kitchen is, I don't go there. I just don't go there.

–38th & 5th

Overheard by: garden in manhattan?

Greek Princess shopping for wedding rings: This isn't the more expensive ring I wanted but we just bought an apartment in the 70s.

–Tiffany's Second Floor

Overprivileged teenage girl on cell: The bourgeoisie… The bourgeoisie are like, the common people.

–Union Square

College girl: No, I mean seriously: who, by the age of 25, has not been to Rome or Florence?

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Dan

Six-year-old: Mommy, how do you spell "Forbes"?

–Restaurant, Upper East Side

Overheard by: jess

Back Home We Have Camps for People Like You!

Angry European husband: Listen, you take American currency, don’t you? We can pay US cash! That’s money!
Clerk: Sir, the sign says credit, debit or gift card only. We can’t accept money at this counter. You have to go to the other side.
Angry European husband: This is bullshit. You don’t accept money? You’re a liar who doesn’t know English! I see everyone here paying money at this counter!
Clerk: Sir, we can’t take money at this counter. No cash. No money. Just cards.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You’re so stupid!
Clerk: Alright. Bye, have a nice day. Next.
Angry European wife: Shut up! You’re so stupid! Learn English before you get a job here!

–Century 21 across from WTC

Headline by: snarls

Runners-Up:
· “Any Wonder They’ve Starteed Two World Wars Was Immediately Dispatched” – Ty
· “Charles & Camilla Charmed Everyone During Their Visit” – Zoot, Just Zoot
· “Go Back To Whatever Country I Came From” – Kevin P
· “God, I HATE Being Trapped in This Stupid Visa Commercial!” – Never Carries Cash
· “It’s Getting Difficult To Tell The Tourists From Natives” – Trey Jackson
· “La Vengeance Est Douce: or How We Learned to Stop Worrying and Love America” – noon
· “The American Meltdown Pot” – Qasar
· “Whose Line Was That, Anyway?” – Marie


Click here to see the new Headline Contest