Archive for the ‘Students’ Category

Today’s Special: In-bread

Guy: Ma’am, does the split pea with ham soup have wheat in it? I can’t have wheat. Do you know if it has wheat in it?
Soup Lady: Meat? It’s got ham, man! Says so on the sign!
Guy: No, wheat! Wheat?
Soup Lady: Oooh! Lemme check…HEY SAM, DOES THE SPLIT PEA HAVE WHEAT IN IT?
Sam: Meat?
Soup Lady: No, wheat!
Sam: Nah. It don’t have no wheat!
Guy: Okay, good. I’ll have a large cup of the split pea soup.
Soup Lady: Would you like a wheat roll with that? –Juilliard cafeteria Overheard by: H J W

Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers

CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hallway, CCNY

Overheard by: ladyliver

Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.

–1250 Broadway

Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kiri

Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.

–Good Stuff Diner, 14th St

Overheard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Better Bedside Manner

Guy: I can’t wait ’til I am finished with med school and I can start working as pediatric gynecologist.

–Class, W4th & Mercer

Girl watching another use eye drops: Do you need some help with that? I’m pre-med. I’m qualified.

–Butler Library bathroom, Columbia University

Overheard by: dr. getoffyourhighhorse

Girl patient: Oh my god. The cute doctor just took my urine sample. He walked over and asked me for it. God, it’s like, ‘I gave her my heart, she gave me… her urine sample.’ Should we give him my number?

–Beth Israel Medical Center

Chick on cell: Yeah, the doctor stuck his finger up my ass because I can’t shit… Yeah, it hurt. Any ideas I’ve entertained about anal sex are gone.

–12th Ave & Bay Ridge Pkwy, Brooklyn

Overheard by: What the…

Homeless guy: If you need a gyno doctor, my office is in the box around the corner.

–Lexington subway station

Wednesday One-Liners Haven’t Met Most Of Their Friends

Yuppie: I don’t google enough.

–F Train, 7th Ave

Overheard by: imaginexrach

Girl on cell: Not being on Facebook is ruining my life!

–NYU Bus

Overheard by: Asian Kid

Assistant on phone, about her 17-year-old daughter’s MySpace page: I find it interesting that she and her friend Shannon have the same friend listed. Some 32-year-old guy in California named Tom!

–Office on 42nd & Madison

Overheard by: herspace

Man: I’m going to go home and e-mail some shameless bitches.

–8th St & Broadway

Grad student at computer, dolefully: Without right-click I just don’t know what to do with the world.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

I Don't Think That's What Tim Gun Meant

20-something grad student #1: You can't sleep with her! Dude, she's in high school!
20-something grad student #2: Dude, she's 18!
20-something grad student #1: Dude…oh…well… Carry on!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: S.W.

Headline by: S.T.

Runners-Up:
· “Bill Finally Accepted That Ted Would Be Having an Excellent Adventure Without Him” – lex

· “Dude, Her Myspace Page Wouldn’t Lie” – the trayster
· “Ethics Majors Cram for Their Final Exams.” – Sandy Paws
· “If She Can’t Get Into College, at Least College Can Get Into Her.” – Matthew N
· “Plus, There’s the Extra Money for Tutoring Her for the SATs” – Steve
· “Then Why Is She a Sophomore?” – Mikey


Click here to see the new Headline Contest