Archive for the ‘Stuyvesant’ Category

Instead Of a Sweatshop in Brooklyn!

Student #1: Yo, who cares about the surrender at Yorktown?
Student #2: Actually, that's mad important.
Student #1: Oh, really?
Teacher: Well, if the British hadn't surrendered we'd all (in a British accent) talk like this and sound ridiculous.
Student #1: Um, no, if that had happened I'd probably be in Pakistan, in my village, farming.
Student #2: You'd be dead because the British had control of Pakistan too.
Student #1: And you'd be working a factory in China!

–Stuyvesant High School

Last Night While I Was Sleeping, They Dipped My Hand in Water!

Guy #1: I'm so tired. The monks kept me up all night.
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: There are a bunch of Buddhist monks staying at my house.
Guy #2, laughing: What? Are you serious? Why are they there?
Guy #1: Because my mom is a political activist or something.
Guy #2: (laughs)
Guy #1: It's not even funny, it's just weird. I have all these Buddhist monks plotting a revolution in my living room!

–Stuyvesant High School

A Brief History Of Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: The ancients left records all over the place. Look at the pyramids, dickhead.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: EthanK

Drunk guy, as '80s song plays on jukebox: '80s music was so inspirational, cuz they knew Reaganomics wasn't gonna work. '90s, we were in a boom so it was like, "don't forget how bad things are!" Now music just sucks, cuz everything sucks.

–The Punch Bowl, 238th & Broadway, The Bronx

Overheard by: Kyle Crocodile

Preppy blond guy: Wow, I didn't realize The Great Depression was so bad!

–Columbia Law School

Drunk hobo yelling at sidewalk: Fuck those guys! They can't fire me! They need me! What the fuck? I built those temples, goddamnit! Those Mayans need me! I'm the only one who built those temples!

–23rd b/w 4th & 5th

Wisdom-sharing mother of two: Well, of course socks were invented first! Soccer was invented before shoes and they wore socks to play it! Why do you think it's called soccer? They were wearing socks long before they were wearing shoes.

–Restaurant, Columbus Ave

Girl: Wait! George Washington is Johnny Appleseed, right?

–Stuyvesant High School

Because You Steal Kids from Orphanages?

Jewish girl: That reminds me of this old Jewish story. Like, there was this queen with seven sons and she had to decide which one would be king, so she told all of them to go bring her a great treasure and they all came back with like gold and jewels but then the youngest one came back with this little orphan girl and he's like “Oh, she just needs love,” so the mom is like, “yes, you shall be king!”
(entire class is silent)
Random guy
: Wait…what?

Jewish boy: This is why we're oppressed.

–Stuyvesant High School

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie