Suit: The ancients left records all over the place. Look at the pyramids, dickhead.
–83rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: EthanK
Drunk guy, as '80s song plays on jukebox: '80s music was so inspirational, cuz they knew Reaganomics wasn't gonna work. '90s, we were in a boom so it was like, "don't forget how bad things are!" Now music just sucks, cuz everything sucks.
–The Punch Bowl, 238th & Broadway, The Bronx
Overheard by: Kyle Crocodile
Preppy blond guy: Wow, I didn't realize The Great Depression was so bad!
–Columbia Law School
Drunk hobo yelling at sidewalk: Fuck those guys! They can't fire me! They need me! What the fuck? I built those temples, goddamnit! Those Mayans need me! I'm the only one who built those temples!
–23rd b/w 4th & 5th
Wisdom-sharing mother of two: Well, of course socks were invented first! Soccer was invented before shoes and they wore socks to play it! Why do you think it's called soccer? They were wearing socks long before they were wearing shoes.
–Restaurant, Columbus Ave
Girl: Wait! George Washington is Johnny Appleseed, right?
–Stuyvesant High School
Archive for the ‘Stuyvesant’ Category
Because You Steal Kids from Orphanages?
Jewish girl: That reminds me of this old Jewish story. Like, there was this queen with seven sons and she had to decide which one would be king, so she told all of them to go bring her a great treasure and they all came back with like gold and jewels but then the youngest one came back with this little orphan girl and he's like “Oh, she just needs love,” so the mom is like, “yes, you shall be king!”
(entire class is silent)
Random guy: Wait…what?
Jewish boy: This is why we're oppressed.
–Stuyvesant High School
Wednesday One-Liners: “Is This Thing On?”
PA system: Leia, please meet your party at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your party at the front.
–Bed, Bath & Beyond, 18th & 6th
Overheard by: Rebecca
Announcer over loudspeaker: The time is now one am o'clock!
–Baggage Claim, JFK
Overheard by: Kimmie
Loudspeaker announcement: Attention, all late night shoppers, this is a live announcement. I repeat, this is not a recording! Right now, in our deli department, fully-cooked chickens! Come on over and get your chickens! They're hot! They're fresh! And they were alive this morning!
–Pathmark, Cropsey Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Stacy
Announcement over loudspeaker during class: Hello, I'm sorry for the interruption. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go outside, they're about to tow your truck.
–Stuyvesant High School
Loudspeaker: Good afternoon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean "flag football" will meet in the cafeteria immediately following advisory.
–East Side Community High School
Before or After We Run Them Up the Flagpole?
Guy: I mean, I called after him but he had already left.
Girl: So now you're stuck with his pants?
Guy: Yeah, I wonder when he'll notice.
–Stuyvesant High School
Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners
Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"
–Stuyvesant High School
Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.
–Stuyvesant High School
Overheard by: Goober
Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.
–Bard High School Early College
Math teacher: Give me your little men!
–Spence School
English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
I Know About Signs Of Sun-Damage…
Teacher: Do you know anything about gang signs?
Ginger student: Do you think I know anything about gang signs? I'm as white as can be!
–Stuyvesant High School
There's a Word for That?
Female teacher: What's that word for men who draw the male anatomy?
Male student: Uh…”penis”?
–Stuyvesant High School
Poor Winners Are Even Nastier Than Poor Losers
Girl: Oh shit! A dime!
(a stoner boy steps on the dime as the girl goes to pick it up)
Girl: Hey, could you please move? Hey, you're stepping on a dime! Hey!
(boy drags foot forwards with dime under it, ignoring her)
Girl, trying to lift the boy's foot: Get off! Get off the dime! Jesus! Hey! You're stepping on a dime! Get off!
(boy slides forward again and the dime slips out. He continues sliding his feet towards a stairway)
Girl (holding up dime triumphantly): Yes! A dime! (pointing at boy) You! I will kill your family!
–Stuyvesant High
Overheard by: I love this school
Whatever, Ms. “I Killed a Cactus”
Thugette #1: Yo, it was mad cold yesterday, son!
Thugette #2: Yeah! The wind chill factor was like 80 degrees, man!
Thugette #1: Yo, it's like global warming, son! Think of what our kids'll be goin' through!
Thugette #2: Yo, if my kid dies, my kid dies.
Thugette #1: You're going to be a terrible mother.
–Stuyvesant High School
The “Tunnel of Love,” If You Prefer
Student: Wait. A vaginal ring is one that you wear on your hand, right?
Teacher: No, you know the vagina, the never-ending tunnel?
–Stuyvesant High School