Guy, refusing to hold on to train pole: I'm trying to see how stupid I can really be.
–7 Train
Overheard by: jj
Train conductor: Next stop, 42nd. If you want to transfer to the e, I think it's running on the r, so get off next stop and walk to the r line. Don't be an idiot and wait for a train that ain't coming. Get off at 42nd and go to the r line.
–A Train
Overheard by: Amy
Chubby girl, passionately arguing on cell: I really believe Fabio is so not stupid. (pause) Seriously! He just has trouble…um…communicating.
–Outside Educational Housing Services, Clark & Henry
Overheard by: Blue Steel
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an idiot on board. He knows who he is.
–N Train
Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category
How the Rest Of the World Feels About Americans, Encapsulated.
Loud ghetto subway conductor: This train is going local. Local! Local!
(happy Latino couple bursts out laughing)
Latino man: Haha…loco! Loco!
–F Train
Overheard by: LH
Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.
–Uptown 6 Train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!
–C Train
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.
–Uptown A Train
Overheard by: queen
Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.
–1 Train
Overheard by: RG
Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vedant
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: amused passenger
Wednesday-One-Liner 451
5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.
–The Spence School
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!
–1 Train
20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.
–Thompkin Square Park
Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.
–Bleecker & Jones
Overheard by: Jas
Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!
–F Train
Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.
–C Train
Overheard by: G.
There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!
Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–7 Train
Overheard by: Kristen
20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."
–1 Train
Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.
–L Train
Overheard by: I agree…
Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.
–D Train
20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.
–Barnes & Noble Cafe
Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.
–Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Penny
Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.
–Uptown 4 Train
Wednesday One-Liners Will Slap You Like a Red-Headed Stepchild
Woman on cell: Shut up! Shut up! I'm going to punch you in the face! I love you.
–A Bus
Spanish chick: Two things can't happen tonight. One, I can't get in a fight tonight. Two, I can't see nobody I don't like.
–5th Ave & 11th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Homeless, burnt-out surfer lady: Then I looked up, and this cunt is about to hit me like a man!
–139th & Broadway
Overheard by: Jesse Cromer
Guy to girl: The next time your parents chuckle at my misfortunes, I'm gonna kick 'em in the nuts. I'm gonna kill 'em!
–20th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn
Jamaican conductor over PA: Don't move between cars while the train is in motion. I don't want to have to knock you the fuck out.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Got Knocked Out
What Wine Goes Best With Wednesday One-Liners?
Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.
–CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave
Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him
MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!
–MTA Harlem Line Train
Overheard by: Nina
Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.
–44th St & 3rd Ave
20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.
–C Train
Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: arctinus
Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers
Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Pasty
Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.
–Roc Restaurant
Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!
–St. Andrews Bar
Overheard by: allimax
Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!
–Near Manhattan Mall
Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.
–Hanover & Water
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.
–4 Train
Overheard by: jessie
Am I the Only One Who Has Trouble Getting Off?
Conductor (after doors close at Rector St): If you are in the last five cars you will not be getting off at South Ferry. (train starts to move) Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Shoulda listened to directions.
Passenger: Is anyone else hearing this?
–1 Train
Overheard by: ryn
This Can Only End in a Duel
Train conductor: Mr Raymond Johnson, if you're looking for your wife, she's in car #6604.
Random guy: With me!
–2 Train