Conductor over loudspeaker: Oh you think you’re pretty bad by not giving up your spot. Long pause. Conductor over loudspeaker: Don’t go pretending that you can’t hear me now! –N train Overheard by: Gregorio
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen,that yellow line on the platform is there for your safety. Please stand behind it when the train enters the station, for your safety and for my stress level. Thank you.
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to repeat myself, but stand behind the line! It is for your own safety! Your ignorance causes the trains to run slowly because I have to slow down to keep from hitting your ignorant self! Thank you. Stand clear of the closing doors. –Downtown 6 Train Overheard by: Always stands behind the yellow line
Conductor, over intercom: Conductor in the fifth car -are you top or bottom?
[well-built conductor walks through car to intercom to respond]
Gay commuter, upon seeing him: Oooh, I hope he’s a bottom. –NJ Transit Overheard by: MrStench
Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them. –7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day…they even makin' milk on Christmas! –NJ Transit Overheard by: Tess Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed! –45th & 9th Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation… –Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA! –R Train Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Conductor #1: Grand Street next, right?
Conductor #2: What?
Conductor #1: Grand Street is next, right?
Conductor #2: That’s what I said.
Conductor #1: Okay, just checking.
Guy: Watch we stop at DeKalb. –D train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to take this time to remind you all that there are four doors on this subway. Four doors. So when you’re waiting to board or exit the train and everyone is crowded around one door, just remember that there are four doors. Say it with me now… One… Two… Three… Four… Very good. The magic number for today is four. –E train Conductor, to guy trying to hold the doors open at the station: Sir, this is not your train. I repeat, this is not your train. –1 Train Overheard by: Firestarter Conductor: People, this is not an "I think I can" moment! Please stand clear of the closing doors! –1 train Overheard by: anna Female conductor on 3 train, when doors don’t close: In the rear, whatever you have hanging out, pull it in! –3 Train Overheard by: J-Mo Train conductor, to someone blocking the doors: Sure, whenever you’re ready, we’ll move this train out of the station. –Downtown A Train Overheard by: Murtwah Conductor: Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again.] Get yo’ foot out a de do’ foo’! –1 Train Overheard by: Nick
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. I promise it will never. happen. again. –uptown C train Man screaming on cell : Nah, I didn’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ wouldn’t tell you about it! –43rd & 6th Overheard by: C Mike
Conductor: All tickets… Ticket, please.
Drunk pirate guy: I, uh… I don’t have any money… Uh [unintelligible slurring]…
Man nearby: Hey, conductor, ask for the fare in doubloons, or pieces of eight! –Eastbound LIRR Overheard by: Alex
Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St. –4 Express Train Overheard by: Lexington Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there. –Downtown 4 Train Overheard by: Donz Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave! –7 Train Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up? Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off. –Fordham Rd, Bronx Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late. Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train. –NJ Transit Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day! –F Train
Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up. –Metro-North Rail Overheard by: Lynne Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time! –LIRR Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. –LIRR Overheard by: morningcommute Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it. –Uptown 6 Train Overheard by: Julie Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another. –Q Train