Conductor: Put your purse inside the train. I said: "purse inside the train." Inside the train, that's no real Chanel!
–E Train
Overheard by: cran
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be delayed for a couple of minutes, the wheels keep slipping. We aren't working with the best equipment here.
–LIRR
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are sorry for the inconvenience and the delays. While expressing your dislike for the inconvenience, please do not curse, spit, or throw things at the conductor and train crew.
–V-train
Conductor: Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… Keep on moving, don't block the aisles… There's plenty of empty seats in the back cars. Don't just stare at the people next to you.
–Metro North Train
Conductor: Uptown! Uptown! Uptown express! You know where I'm going! Don't pretend like you don't know where I'm going!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Jamie
Conductor: Please walk forward for more seats. The front of the train is empty. It's like the freaking promised land up here!
–NJ Transit
Conductor, over loudspeaker: This is the A train making local stops on the F line. Next stop, who knows!?
–A Train
Overheard by: Schechter
Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners — Not the South American Country
Train conductor: Now arriving at 116th street, Columbia University. Ivy league. Ivy league… Ivy league… Ivy league… Stand clear of the closing doors.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Amused Subway Rider
Guy on phone: I’m a tool, I’ll admit that.
–College Walk, Columbia University
Overheard by: Ed
Chick on cell: How did they know I was feeling hormonal? And did they need to announce it on my boarding pass?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: YotGC
(Columbia student #1 jaywalks in front of a car)
Columbia student #2: I can’t get hit by a car right now! I have a paper to write!
–115th & Broadway
(two frat boys in boxers run a lap down 113th as a third cheers them on)
Sorority girl: Sometimes I wonder how some of these people get into Columbia…
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: wondering the same thing
Hey, Wednesday One-Liners Can Dream, Can’t They?
Old man: Hah! I fell asleep at her funeral!
–3rd Ave, b/w 10th & 11th
Overheard by: j
Man to woman: Hey you! You were in my dream last night. You, myself and a bunch of people in the office were having an orgy on a mattress right in front of our office. At first it was great, but then it became awkward because people kept walking into the office and we got in their way.
–34th St & 6th Ave
Man with French accent on cell: Do we have room for her, or will she have to sleep in the dungeon?
–32nd & Broadway
Overheard by: LC
(guy is woken up by a friend after falling asleep on the train)
Guy: You dude, why you wake me up! I was having the best dream. There was shorties everywhere. There was shorties in trees and shit!
–2 Train
Conductor: For all of you running late, we are being delayed by another train with the emergency break on. Or you could tell ‘em you just slept in today.
–D Train
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Tourist Season Is New York’s Hunting Season
Conductor: Attention, passengers. This is the last stop on this N train. For service to Brooklyn, please exit and take the R train. Again…
Tourist: Wait, is this the N train?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does the N train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger: Yes.
Tourist: Does this train go to Brooklyn?
Passenger, exiting: No.
–N Train
Overheard by: Still searching for the logical flaw
Everyone Has Their Own Learning Curve
Conductor: Please do not attempt to stick your foot into a closing door.
(turns off PA. Comes back on)
Conductor: It’s very dangerous… to put your hand or foot to block a closing door.
(turns off PA again. Comes back on)
Conductor: Especially your foot.
–W Train
Overheard by: Lex
Now I Know My Wednesday One-Liners, Next Time Won’t You Wednesday One-Liner With Me?
Little boy singing to mother: E is for druggies!
–R Train
Overheard by: Allegra
Crazy hobo: Take the V train! V is for vasectomy. Why take the crowded E train where all the lesbians will crush you?
–V Train Platform
Overheard by: Tom
Conductor: This is 14th Street. Transfer here for the L as in "lower level of hell".
–F Train
Overheard by: So True
Little boy playing with chopsticks: Look mom! (forms a V) V for Victoria! (forms an X) X for xylophone! (forms a T) and T for terrorist!
–Japanese Restaurant, 3rd & 25th
Conductor over loudspeaker: I know it’s Saturday afternoon and all you people are mad confused because the trains are all messed up on weekends, so listen up: The W as in "Will you marry me?" will be running on the Q as in "cookie" line. And the R as in (goes in operatic singing voice) "rooooooooooomeooooooooooo" will be running normally for the rest of the weekend. Alright y’all… There you go. Enjoy your Saturday!
–Canal Street Subway Station
Overheard by: stfo
Why Oscar the Grouch Hired Bouncers
Conductor: Yes, here’s the bathroom. And if someone’s in there (points to the garbage can in the wall) you can go right in there, I don’t care.
Guy standing near the garbage, to another passenger: Hey, hey! Not while I’m standing here.
–Train Departing from Penn Station
Headline by: Rachel
Runners-Up:
· “And the Waterfountain Is a Bidet on Really Busy Days” – bdayfox
· “I Guess It Really Is Better to Be Pissed Off Than Pissed On” – Mark
· “Let Me Lay Down and Get Comfortable First” – ddv
· “Please Stand Clear Of the Emptying Bowels” – Mr. Hedge
· “So That’s What They Mean by “Business” Class.” – Jessie Birks
· “Wait Till We Get to Newark, When I Can’t Tell the Difference” – Barry P.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
No Computer Can Replace Wednesday One-Liners
Conductor: This is 81st street. Get off here for the big museum of dead stuff.
–Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Barry P.
PA announcer: Ladies and gentleman, we remind you to please be considerate of other passengers, and please keep your bags off the seats. I am karate trained, and will clear them by force if necessary.
–7 Train Subway Platform
Overheard by: your girl Dunham
Conductor on speakers: This is the 1:34 am last train to Dover. There are two toilets, one in the front and one in the second carriage. Please try your hardest to make it in there. And make sure to get off at your stop. Stay alert people. If you pass out you will end up in Dover.
–Penn Station, NJ Transit
MTA conductor: Near the rear doors, in the blue shirt and black tie, get your saggy stomach clear of the closing doors! 5th Avenue is next.
–E Train, 7th Avenue Station
Overheard by: jeannine
Conductor: Once more, ladies and gentlemen, things that should not be in the doors when they are closing: heads, shoulders, knees or toes, no purses, arms, or slow companions.
–Downtown 6 Train
Conductor: For those of you who don’t know, today is national train appreciation day. I think I deserve a round of applause. (passengers applaud) Now for those of you transferring to the Montauk train, I want you to think about how much more uncomfortable it would be if you had to make that trip by stagecoach.
–LIRR
Overheard by: androgenious
Life Is Like a Box of Wednesday One-Liners…
Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wanna live in it!
–F Train
Overheard by: LC
Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That’s just the way things are. Life is unfair.
–Amtrak Train, Penn Station
Overheard by: Ladle
Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word "vagina". That time has passed.
–Staten Island Supreme Court
Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you’re late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re getting there.
–2 Train
Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?
He Was a JV Soccer Coach in a Former Life
Woman (slowly walking toward a train whose doors are closing): Wait, wait… Hold the doors!
(conductor closes doors, woman glares at him)
Conductor: C’mon now… If you wanna get on my train, you best show some hustle!
–Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: hustler