Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category

The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could

Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up. –Metro-North Rail Overheard by: Lynne Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time! –LIRR Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. –LIRR Overheard by: morningcommute Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it. –Uptown 6 Train Overheard by: Julie Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another. –Q Train

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us. Thank you for your patience. –6 Train Overheard by: little_pooh_1 Conductor: The bathrooms on this train are located four cars from the rear; count four cars as you move forward from the end of the train. Forward is the direction the train is traveling in. –Metro-North Railroad Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next and last stop on this train is Jamaica. If you want to go somewhere, we're probably not going there… unless it's Jamaica, but that's highly unlikely. Jamaica, next and last stop! –LIRR Overheard by: Christian Train conductor: This is Times Square, 42nd Street. Transfer is available to any train you could possibly imagine. –Uptown Q Train Train conductor, stalling train: Luis Garcia, could you please step off the train? The cops is lookin' for you… We will not move the train til Luis Garcia steps off the train. Luis? –2 Train

“You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner”

Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing. –Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg Overheard by: Sandy Riverside Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes! –14th & 7th Overheard by: Alex Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking? –46th St b/w 6th & 7th Overheard by: Madeline Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding! –1 Train Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats! –1 Train

Bitch, Say My Wednesday One-Liner!

Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla! –Baruch College Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike. –Marymount School White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil? –Broadway & Lafayette Overheard by: kdice Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad? –F Train Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!" –5th Ave & 23rd St Overheard by: manhattman Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!" –B61 Bus, Brooklyn Overheard by: Tastypaper Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great. –F Train

I Was Told There'd Be No Wednesday One-Liner on This Exam

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there are four doors on each subway car. If one of them is crowded, walk over to another door. Seriously! We do not need 86 people standing at 86th Street. Just move to another door. It's simple mathematics! –C Train Teen shopper to friend: I like hate math except for like…when I'm counting calories and stuff. –Fashion Closet Girl to guy: Some people believe in the laws of attraction, I believe in the laws of subtraction. –Bus Stop Cafe Pharmacist to another: What's one half of a half? –CVS African-American father to five-year-old daughter: You see? That's why I send you to a Chinese school. Because those Chinese kids know how to do math. You gotta know how to do math if you want to make something of yourself. If I sent you to a black school, you'd just turn into a crackhead. If I sent you to a white school you'd turn into an asshole. But those Chinese kids, man, they know how to do shit. –4 Train Teacher: And if your friend comes up to you and says, "man, yesterday I had cosecant pi plus cotangent 2 pi slices of pizza today," …and you went and figured it out, you'd look at him and say "man, you're an asshole!" –Hunter College High School Overheard by: Kevo

You Won't Want to Breathe in Again Once We Reach Brooklyn

Train conductor: Next stop, 2nd Ave. Please do not push and shove, this might result in a fight unless you like to fight.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is 2nd Ave. It is now okay for all of you to take a deep breath. The next stop is Delancy Street.
(moments later)
Train conductor: This is Delancy Street. For all of you that are still holding your breath, it is now okay to breath out. –F Train Overheard by: LunchBox

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't the Brightest Pencils in the Shed

Guy, refusing to hold on to train pole: I'm trying to see how stupid I can really be. –7 Train Overheard by: jj Train conductor: Next stop, 42nd. If you want to transfer to the e, I think it's running on the r, so get off next stop and walk to the r line. Don't be an idiot and wait for a train that ain't coming. Get off at 42nd and go to the r line. –A Train Overheard by: Amy Chubby girl, passionately arguing on cell: I really believe Fabio is so not stupid. (pause) Seriously! He just has trouble…um…communicating. –Outside Educational Housing Services, Clark & Henry Overheard by: Blue Steel Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an idiot on board. He knows who he is. –N Train

Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them. –Uptown 6 Train Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors! –C Train Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way. –Uptown A Train Overheard by: queen Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors. –1 Train Overheard by: RG Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it. –Downtown 6 Train Overheard by: Vedant Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close) –Uptown 1 Train Overheard by: amused passenger

Wednesday-One-Liner 451

5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors. –The Spence School Overheard by: urbanadventurer Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down! –1 Train 20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows. –Thompkin Square Park Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have. –Bleecker & Jones Overheard by: Jas Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire! –F Train Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station. –C Train Overheard by: G.