Archive for the ‘Subway stations, platforms, etc.’ Category

I Think That's Called Dishonorable Discharge

Ditzy bonde: So, like, you remember those two guys from the bar last night?
Sensible black chick: Yeah.
Ditzy bonde: I fucked 'em both! One after the other. Bam! Bam!
Sensible black chick: Jesus, Diane*! They wore condoms, riiight?
Ditzy bonde thoughtfully: Well, they were still dribbling out of me this morning… So no!

–Union Square Station

Overheard by: Bart Simpson's shudder

Smokey Says, “Only You Can Prevent Wednesday One-Liners!”

Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"

–Chinatown

African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.

–Midtown

Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Tim

Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Where there's smoke

Wednesday One-Liner Swap

Lady on cell: She must have been humiliated by the parade of wives!

–Broadway & 72nd

Man to friend: Whenever I want to fuck my wife, she doesn't want to. But when I can't, she always wants to. I think she does it out of spite.

–12th St

(Elton John's Rocketman playing on radio) "I miss the Earth so much… I miss my wife…"
Barista
: You don't miss your wife, Elton. You're gay!


–Small Coffee Shop, SoHo

Midget handing out fliers: Who likes comedy? (to man in striped shirt) Hey, do you like comedy? I like striped shirts, let's work something out here!
(man keeps walking)
Midget, yelling after him
: No wonder your wife doesn't love you!


–Union Square Subway

30-something guy: Dude, that's so rude. Plus, she's going to be your wife soon, so you've got to stop calling her that.

–Hell's Kitchen

Number Four: Mom Jeans?? Really?

Woman, staring at the train subway map: Excuse me, how do you get to the 1 train?
Large black guy: Number one, you get an education.
Woman: No no, how do you get to the 1 train?
Large black guy: Number one, you get an education. Number two, you look at the map. Number three, don't talk to strangers.

–Uptown NQRW

Overheard by: Knows which strangers not to talk to

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am One-Liners

Older gentleman on phone: I was just calling to ask if you wanted to make love to my nice, long, Lebanese penis again tonight. (pause) Yes, yes, 10 works for me.

–45th & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Morgan

Mother, hissing to girl dancing exuberantly: You stop that! Stop it! Boys will try to sex you! Stop!

–6 Train Station

Girl on cell, yelling: He got soft inside me! That's, like, the worst insult ever!

–23rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Come over to the 7-Eleven anytime. I will fuck you!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: David Fishkind

Brunching woman to friends: We lived in Buffalo! We could have had sex on the sidewalk, but it was four years before we were engaged!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alexandra