Overexcited teenage girl, picking up a copy of Alice Sebold's Lucky: Oh my god. Do not read this book. It will make you want to kill yourself, and the author.
Bored teenage boy: Really? I'm not that… depressed or anything.
Overexcited teenage girl: Neither was I!
–Columbia University Bookstore
Overheard by: amused bookseller
Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category
Maybe, but Her Body Stayed in the River
Cashier #1: So I was like, “Damn! I ain't gonna be drowned like this!” So I fought fo' mah life! And that's why I ain't dead.
Cashier #2: Yeah, that's the desire to live! It's human instinct, yo!
Cashier #1: Unless you kill yoself or somethin'.
Cashier #2: Yeah, but that's only if you just off a building or hang yourself or some shit, no one gonna drown themself!
Columbia chick: Well actually, Virginia Woolf drowned herself.
Cashier #1: What, she fall into the bathtub?
Columbia chick: Um, well no, she put rocks in her pocket and walked into a river.
Cashier #2: I bet she walked right out again! Shit…
–Health Store, 114th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Funny You Should Say That
Student conducting survey: Would you like to take a survey?
Girl: What's it about?
Student: Well, I can't tell you what it is about, but it only takes three minutes, and if you don't like it, you can stop at any time and still get a . . .
Girl, cutting him off: Okay, but it won't make me want to kill myself like every other survey I take?
–Columbia University, Lerner Hall
Bowling for Wednesday One-Liner
Drunk thug, reflecting on his baby-mama's new man: I love motherfuckin' guns, and that's the bottom line, but I don't wanna go to jail.
–Bar, Cortelyou Road
Boy to limping blonde struggling to keep up: Oh my god, if you were a horse I would shoot you.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: The Game
Father to two small children, pulling them away from the register: C'mon, guys. Let's go before mommy shoots herself.
–Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway
Loud black girl: It's Manhattan, I don't have to worry about getting shot.
–NYU
Guy on cell: Hey man, aren't you tired of being shot?
–Queens Center Mall
Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On
Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.
–Broadway & 9th
85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: kyle
Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?
–Prince & Mulberry
Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"
–Broadway & 104th St
Overheard by: Cat
Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window…
–DUMBO, Brooklyn
Overheard by: amused
Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!
–Roosevelt Island Bus
We Ivy Leaguers Can Afford to Kill Ourselves with Cocaine
Professor in stuffy room: Someone open a window.
Student: We're on the fifth floor; they don't open.
Professor: I don't understand why they don't unlock them. No one is going to kill themselves. We're not NYU.
–Columbia University
Wednesday One-Liners, Now With Delicious Credit Crunch!
Hobo, yelling to crowd: The stimulus plan won't work! The banks have no money! We need to stimulate the banks! You know how? Cocaine and hookers!
–53rd st & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Andrew
Professor: I knew the economy was bad when I saw Saks had layaway. Layaway is for Wal-Mart, not Saks!
–NYU Law
Guy on phone with mother: No, mom! I'm not going to walk on Wall St today. (pause) Because I don't feel like getting hit by a falling body, that's why.
–Broadway & John St
Asian metrosexual to friend entering clothing store: No, I wanna stimulate the economy!
–SoHo
Overheard by: Galatea
Cute young professional: I better be able to go into a bar and say, "I have a job, and it's recession proof. Wanna see what my bed and a Magnum condom look like?"
–72nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Lindsay D.
Guy on cell: I'm telling you, when a place like that switches from Charmin to Duane Reade toilet paper, you know the economy is in the shitter.
–Great Jones & Broadway
Same Reason You Aren't Homeschooling Him
Angry parent: So what you are telling me is you know nothing about how my son's face got bruised.
Teacher: No, ma'am. Like I said, it happened at recess. I am on my lunch during their recess.
Angry parent: So you weren't there? You didn't see nothing?
Teacher: I did not see anything. I was not there. I was on my lunch.
Angry parent: So you wasn't there? You is his teacher but you's not with him all day?
Teacher: No ma'am. If I were with these students all day, I would kill myself.
–Public School, Bronx
It's Just That New York State Of Mind
Woman to man: So, how are you?
Man: Oh, I'm just peachy!
Woman: Really? How was your day?
Man: Great, I'm ready to hang myself!
Woman: Why what happened?
Man: Nothing. You know, that's every day. Actually, today wasn't even so bad.
–Subway Station
Bob and CNNdy Are Such a Cute Couple
Guy: So, Plaxico Burress shoots himself with an illegal gun, and now he's going to be the next Senator from Illinois?
Girl: Sometimes I have no idea why I dated you.
–R Train
Overheard by: Yeah, it took me a second, too.