Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On

Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting. –Broadway & 9th 85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself! –Madison Square Garden Overheard by: kyle Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline? –Prince & Mulberry Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!" –Broadway & 104th St Overheard by: Cat Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window… –DUMBO, Brooklyn Overheard by: amused Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal! –Roosevelt Island Bus

Wednesday One-Liners, Now With Delicious Credit Crunch!

Hobo, yelling to crowd: The stimulus plan won't work! The banks have no money! We need to stimulate the banks! You know how? Cocaine and hookers! –53rd st & 5th Ave Overheard by: Andrew Professor: I knew the economy was bad when I saw Saks had layaway. Layaway is for Wal-Mart, not Saks! –NYU Law Guy on phone with mother: No, mom! I'm not going to walk on Wall St today. (pause) Because I don't feel like getting hit by a falling body, that's why. –Broadway & John St Asian metrosexual to friend entering clothing store: No, I wanna stimulate the economy! –SoHo Overheard by: Galatea Cute young professional: I better be able to go into a bar and say, "I have a job, and it's recession proof. Wanna see what my bed and a Magnum condom look like?" –72nd & Broadway Overheard by: Lindsay D. Guy on cell: I'm telling you, when a place like that switches from Charmin to Duane Reade toilet paper, you know the economy is in the shitter. –Great Jones & Broadway

Same Reason You Aren't Homeschooling Him

Angry parent: So what you are telling me is you know nothing about how my son's face got bruised.
Teacher: No, ma'am. Like I said, it happened at recess. I am on my lunch during their recess.
Angry parent: So you weren't there? You didn't see nothing?
Teacher: I did not see anything. I was not there. I was on my lunch.
Angry parent: So you wasn't there? You is his teacher but you's not with him all day?
Teacher: No ma'am. If I were with these students all day, I would kill myself. –Public School, Bronx

Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes

Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave! –77th & Broadway Overheard by: rachel 40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg. –NJ Transit Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch. –Megabus NYC Overheard by: Tina MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day! –Restaurant, Kew Gardens Overheard by: Abbieprime

No Autoerotic Asphyxiation Until You’re a Teenager

[A small girl in scarf hands end of scarf to babysitter, who is on the phone. Babysitter absentmindedly holds scarf. Little girl pulls away.].
Babysitter: No, honey, we’re going to go this way [tugs in other direction].
Little girl: But I want to choke myself!
Babysitter, not really paying attention: No, no…
Little girl: But I want to choke myself! [pulls away harder].
Babysitter, still vague: No, honey, that’s bad… –Grand Central Station