Young lady suit #1, about old lady suit screaming insanely on phone: You hear her? Yeah, she's… She's on the wrong track, I think. She might actually be getting on the crazy train soon.
Young lady suit #2: Yeah, the crazy train.
Young lady suit #1: She's going to take the crazy train all the way to crazy town. I bet it's a magic town.
Young lady suit #2: Sure, it's magic.
Young lady suit #1: A magic town. You'd need a special train to get there. It must be the Hogwarts express.
Young lady suit #2: I think I'll take your calls today.
Young lady suit #1: I'll see you on the platform.
–27th St & Park Ave
Archive for the ‘Suits’ Category
Why I Stopped Going to Corporate Cocktail Parties: Explained.
Suit, after Yankees game: If Manny Ramirez took fertility drugs, wouldn't he be nanny Ramirez by now?
Female suit: God, you're good.
–Yankee Stadium
Wednesday One-Liners Are Beautiful, Dammit!
Man to woman on lunch date: Pussy makes the world go round. When you're 85, dyin', you don't want to regret it if you never got to stick your head up there, or whatever. You wanna die sated.
–Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Christine
Man, as two women approach: Vagiiiiiina, vagiiiiiiiiiiiina, vagiiiiiiiiiiiiiinaaaaaaa!
–Washington Square
Overheard by: Joe
Hipster on cell: I don't even know you! I do not want to see your vagina.
–Park Ave & 22nd St
Overheard by: Sophia
Suit on cell: I'm gonna cut off her cunt and make her wear it as a hat!
–Times Square
Teenager to friend: That girl has a Stargate vagina. You put it in and, bam, a kid pops out!
–Catherine St & Madison St
Girl at speed dating event: …like my vagina!
–Watering Hole, E 19th St
Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's
Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.
–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: George O.
Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.
–Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Kade
Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?
–Elevator, 75 Wall St
Overheard by: Jonathan
Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…
–L Train
Overheard by: Bradburnside
Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?
–22nd & 6th
Overheard by: Edyna
“Starving Children in Ethiopia Don't Even Have Wednesday One-Liners!”
NYU student to another: Spinach is like sex: if you were forced to have it as a child, you wouldn't enjoy it as an adult.
–University Place & 12th St
Hobo, pointing to deli sign: They want you to toss your own salad for $8.95.
–23rd and 3rd
Overheard by: Nicole Shipman
Suit shouting into cell: Eggplant! Eggplant! Jesus Christ, what is so fucking hard about eggplant?!
–Greenwich Village
Overheard by: Sunny
Subway preacher: I like vegetables! You gotta eat them so you can live. I like to put vegetables in my mouth. I like the way they taste!
–N Train
Guy to another: Take the pickle, because by god if someone else does and you don't get it, well, you'll be pickle-less and that's not ideal.
–125th St
Overheard by: Brian K.
Where Are They Now?: Wednesday One-Liners
Old lady to friend: You know who I feel sorry for? Yoko Ono.
–Central Park West
Female suit on cell: I once gave Carrot Top a massage.
–UCB Theater
Overheard by: Robert
Ghetto girl on cell: I know you ain't no Jay Leno and I don't speak Avatar!
–Fort Greene
Sober guy to drunk older guy: You know what you look like?? You look like a fucked-up Bobby Brown.
–3 Train
Woman at outdoor cafe: She's not that bad, she's more Snooki than Fran Drescher.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rick
5-to-7-Day Liners
Girl: Lisa went down on me while I was on my period. I decided just to roll with it.
–Frying Pan Bar
Professor: Let's all go home and menstruate! My goal in this class is to get all of you on the same schedule.
–NYU
Overheard by: Leslie
Upscale female suit on cell: I'm totally on the rag, but you can still lick my asshole.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: The Trooper
Gay guy on cell: I'm so cranky, I feel like I'm a girl who's on her period and pregnant.
–Park Ave & 29th St
Big black guy, loudly on phone: Why you bitchin at me because I won't cleeeeen behind you? I'm not gonna clean your nasty period ass offa the toilet! (nearby people begin laughing) Bitch, even the people on the streets be laughing at you!
–123rd St & Manhattan Ave
The Kind Of Thing We've Come to Expect from Blondie.
Blonde in convertible: Hey, cutie!
Suit: (turns around briefly, keeps walking)
Blonde: Hey! With the nice ass, we were talking to you!
Suit, walking back to convertible: Yes?
Blonde: My friend here thinks you're cute and wants your number.
Suit: Uh… I'm flattered, but I have a fiancee, so I'll pass.
Brunette driver: I didn't ask if you were single, I said you had a nice ass and I want your number.
Suit: Again, thanks, but no.
Brunette: How about I give you mine?
Blonde: You know, for when the marriage doesn't work out.
Suit: Yeah, no. But you girls have a great day.
–3rd Ave & 46th St
Wednesday One-Liners Would Shoot Jodie Foster to Impress You
Girl on cell: You have a mini what? Stalker? (pause) Do you mean "mini" like a little person? Or like only partial stalking?
–Park Ave & 77th St
Woman to friend: No wonder that guy is stalking you! You told him everywhere you were going!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: sarah
Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute. I gotta cross the street to stalk this girl.
–Times Square
Overheard by: creeped out
Mother to daughter, indignantly: No, it's not stalking! It's called being resourceful.
–16th St & 9th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Are Boning Their Secretaries
Suit on cell: Yeah, we'll be whoring ourselves out. But that's what we do.
–53rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: I wish I got a bailout.
20-something suit: Beating a redneck at beer pong while wearing a suit is the classiest thing ever.
–79th St & Broadway
Overheard by: next victim
Suit: Ahahahaha! Haha! Ahhh. Fuck everyone.
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Suit on cell: C'mon, man, it's only 300 grand.
–45th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Kári Emil Helgason
Fat suit to hottie: Hey! I have money! (hottie walks on by) Really! I do! (she doesn't stop) Fuck it. You don't care. But I do!
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Old suit to another, both laughing: I owe money, but not my money… other people's money!
–60th St & Lexington
Overheard by: J