Archive for the ‘Suits’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Think “Speed Dating” Requires Meth

Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!

–Astoria

Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.

–M66 Bus

Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?

–31st & Crescent, Astoria

Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!

–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Overheard by: Tom

College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.

–8th St & University

Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Riot

First Action Item: Learn to Act Like a Man

Suit #1: I think we need to sit down with Yolanda, Minetta, Julie […] and tell them, “Look, what happened yesterday can’t happen again. We need to learn more about dispatch. It’s time we had this meeting.”
Suit #2: It’s too late for a meeting.
Suit #1: Right, no, that’s what I’m saying. We don’t need a meeting, we need action. –N train

Four of Five Dentists Recommend Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Then I looked down at her and said, ‘Your bleached teeth are burning my dick!’

–Caliente Cab Co., Waverly & Green

Suit to female companion: You’ll stick your tongue up my ass, but you won’t share my toothbrush because of germs?!

–Renaissance Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: Big Larry

Girl on cell: … So then he asked me to leave my toothbrush at his place, and I said no. And then he never called me again! I’m glad I didn’t leave my toothbush there.

–1 train

Overheard by: joe d.

Guy on cell: … So I lost my job, and he brushed my teeth for six months.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Young girl to mother pushing stroller: Oh, right, like I’ve never brushed her hair. Like I’ve never fed her or brushed her teeth. What the hell have you done for her?

–63rd & Lex

Overheard by: Jillian

She’s the Cob, and They’re the Cornholders

Girl: There’s a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we’re gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms. –84th & Broadway Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well…we’re both adults, we’ll just have to deal with it. –52nd & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker

Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Overheard by: j

Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.

–NJ Transit

Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.

–Borders

Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Overheard by: Nicole

College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!

–1 Train

Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Peanut

Wednesday One-Liner Cheney

NYU frat boy to another: Remember that time you popped that zit on my dick?!

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Overheard by: lezbotron

Older suit to younger suit: If you want people to move out of your way you just gotta say shit like: pussy, dick, cunt! (people move out of the way) See?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Brad

Thug to another, exiting a deli: The Salvation Army can suck my dick.

–Stanton & Ludlow

Overheard by: CN

Girl wearing hijab: That depends on whose dick it is!

–Hunter College, 68th & Lexington

Overheard by: off white

I Think He’s a Latent Wednesday One-liner

Suit: I’m always really careful when I eat so I don’t have to take it up the ass when I go to the dry cleaner. –Organic Grill, 1st Avenue Man: I’m telling you, what you should do is take a picture of yourself naked now and then in about two, three months, take another one and compare. Maybe keep doing that, you know? Keep a photo album documenting it. I think you should. –F train Overheard by: Jenni Unicorn Man on cell: Okay, I gotta go ’cause I’m fucking sweating my dick off. –Union Square Overheard by: Kevin Kilroy College guy: Have you ever jacked off with your feet? –TKTS, Duffy Square Guy on cell: I have a blood clot in my asshole! –15th & 3rd Woman: He’s a good friend, but the sex is pretty awful. He a good kisser, but he has trouble further than that. I’m just not his type. I don’t have a penis. –West 4th Street station Overheard by: Rachel Adler Puerto Rican guy: Second-best feeling in the world. First is sex. I
guarantee it. –Barnes & Noble men’s room, Union Square