Archive for the ‘Sweat’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst… –Nathan's, West 32nd St Overheard by: SuzeV Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out! –Duane Reade, 14th & 1st Overheard by: Lillian Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over! –96th and Broadway Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle. –jet blue terminal, jfk Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it. –Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

Wednesday Wears the One-Liners in This Family

Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here! –73rd & Broadway Overheard by: Harriet Vane Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again. –Columbia University Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants! –Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me! –Columbia University Overheard by: bih. Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist! –10th & Ave B Overheard by: Kayla K Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants? –Penn Station Overheard by: Geologist

Wednesday Puts on Its One-Liners One Leg at a Time

Ghetto dude on phone: Do you know what I could do with that money? I could get a new pair of pants… or maybe get my hair done. –Broadway & 86th St Girl to another: I had this teacher in high school who wore the tightest pants. Camel toe all the time. –Union Square Overheard by: Giancarlo Annoying sober 20-something, returning from bathroom: God! I'm so sweaty, it made it really hard to pull my pants down. –Diner, 3rd Ave Teenage girl to another: He came here to do a concert. He probably doesn't want to hear you scream, "Take your pants off!" –Battery Park

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight! –NYU Silver Center Overheard by: Maeve Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread. –Duane Reade 10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up. –Christopher St & Waverly Place Overheard by: sharknife Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater. –NYU Overheard by: ninja z Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys. –Conde Nast Building Overheard by: jackattack Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock. –34th & 7th Ave Overheard by: Alis

Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude

Guy holding baby: I’ve decided I’m going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies. –Strand Bookstore American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that’s because I met him. –Jake’s Saloon, 57th & 10th Overheard by: poor kid’s gonna fail that test Rich mom with two kids: … And it was named after our country’s first president, Christopher Columbus. –117th & Broadway Overheard by: doesn’t get columbus day off Guy to friend: If I can make it through the ’80s, I can make it through anything. –Astor Pl Overheard by: squishduck Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that’s when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, ‘You’re going to Hell!’ –Fordham University – Rose Hill Overheard by: Christina Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s? –NYU dorm Overheard by: Danimal

The Au Jus Of Wednesday One-Liners

11 year-old boy throwing water balloon back and forth: It's like a hymen, perfectly intact after a minor rape! (balloon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hymen juices! –Tompkins Square Park Eight-year-old boy to another: God, just drink your spit! –90th St & 2nd Ave Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I'm not going to ejaculate! (repeats it over and over) –D Train Overheard by: seat changer Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty people suck. –W 23rd Street Overheard by: Cool and Dry Little girl: I don't like boys! They're mean and they sweat a lot! –2nd & Ave A Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I'm dripping cum! –Hester & Allen Overheard by: lower east side

Wednesday One-Liner Is the Second-Largest Property Owner in NYC, After the Catholic Church

Columbia student to another: When I get rich, I'm totally having the sweat glands in my armpits removed. –Columbia University Undergrad to friend: So I should tell you about today's existential crisis… –Columbia University Overheard by: Katie Naum Guy to group of friends: Hey, you guys ever watch that video in health ed, of disabled people having sex? It was upsetting. –Columbia University Overheard by: L-Dubbs Columbia undergrad: I am taking so many classes right now, like 18 credits, cause I have no clue what to do with my life. Part of me wants to go to business school here because I can make a lot of money fast, and part of me wants to go to law school here because it's more practical and will make me more over the long run. But then I am also in this class on genocide, which is a topic I love. So maybe I will do something with that instead. –Max Cafe, 122nd & Amsterdam Ave Overheard by: reluctantprof