Archive for the ‘Sweat’ Category

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

NYU JAP on phone to mother (enraged): Ugh, mom! No! Wearing seasonally inappropriate outerwear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There's carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don't eat any bread, right? But I still don't understand why there's bread in here. Whatever. It doesn't even taste like bread.

–Duane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you're a year older than me, but you're 20 pounds lighter? That's fucked up.

–Christopher St & Waverly Place

Overheard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some people are social drinkers? I'm a social eater.

–NYU

Overheard by: ninja z

Asian fashionista: Yeah, I think I'm like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Building

Overheard by: jackattack

Loud guy on cell: Actually, I can't be bulimic anymore because I have no gag reflex. I've been sucking too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alis

He Said It with an Ominous Voice and a Mr. Burns Finger-Touch

Elderly woman on stretcher: Is the ambulance heated?
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver: Yes.
Elderly woman on stretcher: I’m gonna freeze to death.
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver (smiling, tenderly): No, you’re gonna sweat to death.

–63rd b/w Park & Lexington

Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck

How the Boys Got to the Front of the Salad Line

Straight guy #1: Dude, I like your family, but there is no way that I would blow the whole football team to save their lives.
Straight guy #2: Well, I’d blow them for your family.
Straight guy #1: Even if it was right after a game?
Straight guy #2: If I have to blow 60 guys, you think I’d give a shit if they are sweaty or not? That’s the least of it.

–In line at Just Salad, E 51st

Wednesday Wears the One-Liners in This Family

Southern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see anybody else wearing pink pants around here!

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Girl on cell, wearing leggings and a t-shirt: Oh, shit, I forgot to put on pants again.

–Columbia University

Lady in corner stall: Damn, I done sweated through my pants!

–Restroom, 1 Liberty Plaza

Smug girl to gaggle: No, these are my period pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: bih.

Thug: I’m the only playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!

–10th & Ave B

Overheard by: Kayla K

Conductor over intercom: Attention, all crew members! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Larry, you got yo’ pants?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Geologist

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Luke…. I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: Lord…


Black woman on cell
: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.


–Queens bound 7 Train


Hoochie with baby
: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.


–R Train


Little girl
: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’


–Wooster St & Spring St


Little kid in stroller
: Dad, is this us?


–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop

Overheard by: Steve Grant