Archive for the ‘The Met’ Category

Michelangelo Always Was Too Sensitive About David.

Guy #1: Oh yeah, let’s all take a picture of the big fucking stone thing because it’s really old!
Arsty guy: Shut up, asshole. –the met Headline by: Eddie Runners-Up:
· “Geologically Speaking, It’s a Young Fucking Stone Thing.” – Peter Manther
· “Hmmm, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Stabbed My Etiquette Coach” – Jimmy
· “Mick Visits the Met” – bb
· “No One Likes Sightseeing With Frank Gehry Anymore” – Jeff`
· “She Was Awesome in Basic Instinct” – Craig should be working
· “Why Flashes Are Not Allowed at Rolling Acres Assisted Living.” – Karl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Find Nemo

Woman on cell: Number one: I'll tell you what you can do with that fish. You can shove it right up your ass! (pause) Number two: You know what you can do with that fish? You can shove it right up your ass! –Steps, The Met Overheard by: gossipgirlish Boy to mother: Mama, can we surprise grandpa with a catfish? –Central Park East Overheard by: walter Woman reading map: No dead fish in Nebraska. –D Train Overheard by: Sunny Girl to guy friend at hip hop show: That chick just sprayed her coochie with perfume. Now it smells like a fish died and the other fish sent flowers. –Voodoo Lounge, 1st Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Just Stand Around

Security guard: Oh, man, thank god for anti-depressants and alcohol! Nothing like Jack Daniels to get you through the day. –The Met Building security guard to mailman: Don't you think tv saved the world? Say you've got 10, 12, 14, 16 kids . . . –William & Beekman NYU security guard to long line of kids: A'ight kids, e-z passes out. Put your IDs in the air and wave them like you just don't care! –College of Arts and Science, Washington Square Park Security man: No photos in Tim Burton! No pictures, no photos! Tell a friend, tell a neighbor, tell someone you don't like! –Tim Burton Exhibit, MoMA Security guard: Have a nice day… Now get the hell out of here. –JFK Airport

Tracy Chapman Only Needs One

Girl #1, touching bamboo sculpture: Rose, how do you think they're gonna get this down?
Girl #2: I dunno, untie it?
Girl #1: But I mean… Are they gonna, like, move it to a warehouse or, like, incinerate it? That's super not ecologically sound.
Girl #2: Um…
Girl #1: Fuck! They should just put pandas up here. Like a shit-ton of pandas. One, pandas eat bamboo. B, it would get the job done fast and all that would be left is the rope. Three, the more pandas eat, the stronger they get; the stronger they get, the more they bone, and then they're less endangered. Four, it would be really cute on the news, and… Five? Dude, pandas!
Girl #2: Are you high?
Girl #1: I've just had a Riesen. –Roof Garden, The Met

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Always Add Up

Conductor: We have eleven cars today. If we only have five cars tomorrow, don't have short term memory loss and say, "five cars, this happens all the time." –Metro North Hot dog vendor to guys standing behind stand: 100 times I've fucked, and have 98 kids. –Outside Metropolitan Museum of Art Teen hipster girl to friend : On a scale of one to ten, how many cars are coming? –33rd St & 8th Ave Overheard by: Erika Angry man on cell: Don't talk to me like that! I'll leave you! I will leave you! You know how many women there are in this world? (pause) A thousand! –45th St & 8th Ave Overheard by: Native Ear

Wednesday One-Liners Pee a Lot

Dramatically upset woman outside bathroom: I knew I had to pee before, but I chose not to! And now I'm facing the consequences! –La Lanterna, The Village Overheard by: Sunny Woman holding child: Does looking at the fountain make you have to pee? It makes mommy have to pee. It's only natural. –Bryant Park Guy to friend: No, seriously, I think I legit peed on that guy! –30th St & 9th Ave Guy on cell: No, I will not urinate with you! –The Met Woman in turtleneck to suit: I mean, people shouldn't only eat when they're hungry. (pause) Or go to the bathroom when they have to… only. That's like, bad for your bladder! –86th St & 5th Ave Woman on cell: I don't care about them. I don't care about their urine. I don't care about their office! –Court & Carroll, Brooklyn