Archive for the ‘Thievery’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners– IQ: 180 Social Skills: -57

Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right…all of you. –Manhattan College Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want! –St. John's University, New York City Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song? –St. John's Law School Overheard by: Cori Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer. –The Cooper Union Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls. –NYU Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off. –City College of New York

I've Never Been More Proud.

Angry 20-something girl: Dad, you realize that when you refuse to give me the keys to my car that he's been illegally driving, you are effective enabling him to steal from me!
Confused-looking dad: Well, I understand how you feel, honey, really I do, but…
Angry 20-something girl (cutting him off): Don't fucking placate me, you sonofabitch!
Confused-looking dad (looking helplessly toward his wife): Cheryl…your daughter is yelling at me using profanity and words I don't know. –Bay Ridge, Brooklyn Overheard by: Krystal

Gangstas, Inc. Still Hasn't Learned to Hold Private Staff Meetings

Girl on train: Excuse me, don't touch my bag.
Young thug: I am just tryin to close your zipper.
Girl: Yeah, and then you take my wallet!
Thug: Why you think I am gonna take yo wallet? Because I'm black?
Girl: No, because I heard you tell your friend “I'imma steal this bitch's wallet.”
Thug: Oh. –A Train

Just Slowly Back Away from the Terrifying Foreign Person

Barista: Sir, you can pay for the juice over there.
Middle-aged Brit: But I bought it.
Barista: No you didn’t.
Middle-aged Brit: Yes, I did — at another place.
Barista: Yeah, oookay [rolls eyes].
Middle-aged Brit: I really did.
Barista: Yeah, oookay.
Middle-aged Brit: What the fuck is your problem?
Barista: Well, you just stole juice, and you’re being an ass, so you can leave now.
Middle-aged Brit: Excuse–
Old lady Brit: –Alexander, just stop talking! He could shoot you! –Starbucks, Fashion District Overheard by: only in new york