Drunk teenage girl, yelling: Just so all of you guys know, I am underage! (long pause, then to friend) Shit, I just told them we are underage! (long pause, then to woman) Hey, you! I love your hair!
–Q Train
Archive for the ‘Trains Not Subway’ Category
Parent-Teacher Conferences Must Be Fun
Guy: My dad doesn't drink any more.
Friend: Yeah, he just does acid.
Guy: Tons.
–D Train
A+
African American single mother: And what do they say on Maury?
Three-year old daughter: You are not the father.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Darby
The Real Problem with Sandra Bullock and Jesse James
Drunk guy: I want a definitive answer… Yes or no. I just want to hear you say “I want to be with you.”
Embarrassed sober girl: Dan, I want to be with you.
Drunk guy: That's all I wanted to hear… I want to go down on you.
Embarrassed sober girl: Shhh!
Drunk guy: I want to lick your vagina. I want to lick your vagina!
Embarrassed sober girl: Be quiet!
Drunk guy: Do you want me to cum on you?
–PATH
…And Smoke Them on Behalf Of the Recipients
20-something girl to much older date: So do you smoke weed?
Guy: Not so much anymore.
20-something girl: Me either… Not much… I mean, it's been a long time… But I do know this awesome guy on St. Mark's who gives me cheap pipes and has great shit. He always has something new for me.
Guy, after pause: Actually, it sounds like you smoke a lot.
20-something girl, after embarrassed pause: Well… I buy a lot of gifts.
–G Train
Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail
Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.
–4 Express Train
Overheard by: Lexington
Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.
–Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: Donz
Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!
–7 Train
Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?
Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.
–Fordham Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.
Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.
–NJ Transit
Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!
–F Train
Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.
Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.
–Outside NYU Dorm
Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?
–LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Laura
Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.
–7 Train
Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!
–Runway Strip, JFK
Overheard by: PSUny
Translation: “I'm Still Hungover.”
Girl #1: You know my half birthday was yesterday?!
Girl #2: Yeah! So you're 18 and a quarter!
Girl #1: I'm 18 and two thirds!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Debbie M
…And What's a “Job”?
Girl #1: Ugh, the economy is so bad I don't know how I'm going to get through the recession.
Girl #2: Oh my god, I know! I mean, I lost my job and now my parents are only giving me $50 allowance a week!
Girl #1: Wow, that's crazy! Only $50?
–LIRR
Overheard by: michelle
My Facebook Page Has the Buttcam Video
Cute teen girl: Yeah, there was a slip 'n slide there.
Cute teen boy: Yeah, I scratched my ass on that slip 'n slide!
–Train to Grand Central
Overheard by: lindsay r