Archive for the ‘Upper East Side’ Category

It’s Not You, It’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to friends: They broke up… He was only in the relationship for the free Nike gear anyway.

–Stone St.

Overheard by: Jen

Hipster dude: So Jane* is coming to the studio tonight to do some recording. Should I have her do it and then break up with her, or break up with her first and then have her do it?

–F Train

Overheard by: dianora

13-year-old girl on cell: What? You broke up with him? That’s so cruel! Um, can I date him?

–Thompson Street, The Village

Excited teen girl: This would be a great place to break up with some people!

–8th St Park

Girl on cell: They broke up? I always thought that them breaking up was like a joke, like saying you don’t like Brussels sprouts when you secretly do, but you just say it because it’s the first yucky vegetable that comes to your mind. But hey, that’s great!

–Outside the Frick Museum

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Guy, yelling from third story fire escape: Sarah! Sarah Whitlock! Don’t leave me! She meant nothing to me! Come back… Please! (pause) Okay, but I’m keeping the deposit!

–E 4th Street

Overheard by: Nima Shirazi

Wednesday One-Liners Are Starting to Show

Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Seamus Diddy

Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.

–86th & 1st

Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!

–Forever 21, Union Square

Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] "Happy non mother’s day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."

–Toys R Us Times Square

Overheard by: Non Father

Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!

–Whole Foods, Bowery

Overheard by: office peon

Michelangelo Always Was Too Sensitive About David.

Guy #1: Oh yeah, let’s all take a picture of the big fucking stone thing because it’s really old!
Arsty guy: Shut up, asshole.

–the met

Headline by: Eddie

Runners-Up:
· “Geologically Speaking, It’s a Young Fucking Stone Thing.” – Peter Manther
· “Hmmm, Maybe I Shouldn’t Have Stabbed My Etiquette Coach” – Jimmy
· “Mick Visits the Met” – bb
· “No One Likes Sightseeing With Frank Gehry Anymore” – Jeff`
· “She Was Awesome in Basic Instinct” – Craig should be working
· “Why Flashes Are Not Allowed at Rolling Acres Assisted Living.” – Karl


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-liners Watch Their Weight

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she’s a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!…What size are you? –Staten Island Ferry

New York's Finest Wednesday One-Liners

Black kid after seeing white girl in gym clothes run by: Man, for a second I thought that white girl was running from the cops too!

–Fordham Road, The Bronx

Overheard by: run, white girl, run

Middle-aged black lady yelling on crowded train: Young black men stand the fuck up! Kill the NYPD!

–A Train

Little kid to bus driver, after a police car siren is heard: Whenever I hear a police car siren, I always think that they are getting donuts, 'cause, ya know, cops love donuts, right?

–B41 Bus

Dude: I was playing the new GTA. I drove around looking for my apartment but couldn't find it, so I just shot a bunch of cops.

–Columbus Circle

Cop with M-4 assault rifle (serious voice, on a sunny day): It's raining men out here.

–86th & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Scrooge McDuck’s Wednesday One-Liners

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge