Archive for the ‘Venues’ Category

Juvenile Wednesday One-Liners

Second grader: Earth is the greatest planet in the whole world!

–125th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Yes, I’m his teacher.

Little boy to younger brother in elevator: Stop! It’s like the hospital, you can’t touch anything!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: student

Little girl: Big Brother is watching!

–Franklin St & Church St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Little boy: Yo, digit, you don’t get any pussy, how you gonna say she ugly?

–Corsa Ave, the Bronx

Overheard by: Edward Carney

Little girl to other little girl wearing school uniform: You look like a woman. Go change!

–116th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Little girl: Excuse me, where is the drugstore? I mean, where are the drugs?

–Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush

Overheard by: Cupcake

Little boy: I can’t wait to get home so I can scratch my crotch!

–6th Ave & 17th St

Apple’s Next Anti-PC Marketing Campaign Takes Shape

Office thug #1: Yo, Windows is, like, mad-retarded!
Office thug #2: Say what?
Office thug #1: I said Windows is bullshit, man.
Office thug #2: Man, I been telling you that shit for years. My G5 is way better than whatever computer you got.
Office thug #1: Nigga, my laptop has AIDS!

–52nd St & Madison

Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Train (Whoo-Whoo!) and Ride It

Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don’t drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink ’til you go blind. Have a nice evening.

–Metro North, Grand Central Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh… Franklin… naw, that’s not it. Well, let’s go.

–Brooklyn bound R train

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman’s booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?

–7 train

Overheard by: Margarita Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors. –4 train, Wall St Overheard by: Pandora Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors… Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late… gonna make us all late!

–Queens bound R train

Overheard by: Jay Kay Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you’re not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day. –Uptown 4 train Overheard by: Helena the Great Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train! –Downtown E train Overheard by: tyler ann

The Need for Anti-Meme Drugs Becomes Ever More Pressing

Ghetto girl: Man, I can’t believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin’ to dump me! He was all, “Yeah, we’re over.” I was like, “What you talkin’ about?” Then he was all, “I’m taking you off my Top 8.”
Passerby: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.

–Baryshnikov Arts Center

Overheard by: random dancer

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n. Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them. –Fordham Overheard by: Jess McGins Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry. –23rd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble

Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis. –77th & 2nd Overheard by: Joseph Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man. –Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop! –Times Square Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs. –F train Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen. –Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York Overheard by: Aaron Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be? –Circle Line Overheard by: emily Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically. –Central Park