Clerk #1: I’ve always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I’ve always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
–American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
Archive for the ‘Venues’ Category
I Said I Just Whacked Off
Coworker #1: So what’ve you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you’re on speakerphone.
–Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Madeline
The Need for Anti-Meme Drugs Becomes Ever More Pressing
Ghetto girl: Man, I can’t believe he did this! I mean, we was in this relationship for like two weeks, and now he be tryin’ to dump me! He was all, “Yeah, we’re over.” I was like, “What you talkin’ about?” Then he was all, “I’m taking you off my Top 8.”
Passerby: He took you off his Top 8? Oh, hell, no.
–Baryshnikov Arts Center
Overheard by: random dancer
But I Am Also Open to the Fingers of Others
Guy: Yeah, sometimes I like to suck on my fingers.
Girl: OK.
–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer
Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot
Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!
–Brooklyn bound F train
Overheard by: PoisonIvy
Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!
–1 train
Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…
–1 train
Overheard by: sara n.
Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!
–18th & Park
Overheard by: edward
Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!
–Wooster & Broome
Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.
–Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.
–23rd & 6th
You Would Not Have Wanted to Be Awake For What We Did to You
Girl #1: What’s up?
Girl #2: Still recovering from last night.
Girl #1: It wasn’t that bad.
Girl #2: What? I passed out and woke up naked in the club.
Girl #1: See, I told you.
–Internet cafe, 63rd Drive, Queens
Overheard by: Interested Listener
Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too…You’ve met Carla…You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis. –77th & 2nd Overheard by: Joseph Considerate guy: Hey, man, don’t burst his bubble. If it ain’t a man, it ain’t a man. –Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St Voice on intercom: Sir, that’s the women’s restroom. Sir…Sir…Stop! –Times Square Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs. –F train Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you’re the prettiest man I’ve ever seen. –Women’s bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York Overheard by: Aaron Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who’s he supposed to be? –Circle Line Overheard by: emily Young guy: …so, technically, I’m lactating. Technically. –Central Park
But Do They Message You the Morning After?
Engineer #1: I would poke her, man. I would poke the life out of her.
Engineer #2: I have poked her. I have poked the life out of her.
Girl, walking by: Look, you two need to get laid. Facebook means nothing to us girls; we get a billion pokes a day.
–Brooklyn Polytechnic Institute
When Publicists Get Into the Catnip
Mandy Moore: So, what’s the plan for the party?
Publicist: So, I was thinking, you show up at the party, right? And they check your name or whatever, and then, get this, a clown escorts you to your table.
Mandy Moore: A clown?
Publicist: I know, right?
–Elevator, The Archive Building, Greenwich & Christopher
Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other
Employee: Ma’am, can I help you?
Woman: I’d like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3…
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She’ll take 6.
–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse