Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

Wednesday One-liners Read in Union Square

Stoner: We’re on the verge of a spiritual revolution. It’s like Fight Club…but without the violence. –Union Square Overheard by: braun bowery Guy: The fact that bar was full of ugly girls is just ridiculous. –Union Square Crazy lady: Fine, stay where you are, Linda! Stay on the streets, stay in the gutter…but put all your stuff away! –Union Square Overheard by: Jen Woman: If I die of malaria, you can have my DVD player. –Union Square Lady on cell: …so what’s the difference between the East Village and the West Village? –Union Square Overheard by: feitclub Guy on cell: I didn’t throw the lamp at you because I was out of control, I threw the lamp at you because you said I was out of control. –Union Square Overheard by: John Guy: Dude! At least you’re getting head. Bad head is better than no head, any day of the week! –Union Square Overheard by: Joy Smoker

Wednesday One-Liners Are Starting to Show

Aloof teen: So, other than getting robbed and coming back pregnant, how was it?

–27th & 6th

Overheard by: Seamus Diddy

Female cashier, looking over cover of Star magazine: Girl, Angelina is having twins?! I tell you what, that girl needs to get her some birth control pills -and you know why? Because she hot and if I was Brad Pitt I would keep knockin’ her up too.

–86th & 1st

Girl on cell: Ugh! I can’t believe she’s pregnant again! That makes futon baby number two!

–Forever 21, Union Square

Girl checking SMS, to friends: Oh shit…[Reads.] "Happy non mother’s day, pass this on to all your girlfriends and women you know who survived another year of not getting pregnant."

–Toys R Us Times Square

Overheard by: Non Father

Guy, chasing after pregnant woman in the fruit section: It’s not a boy? I swore you told me it was a boy! Honey! Come back!

–Whole Foods, Bowery

Overheard by: office peon

That Guy Is Such a Riot

Guy #1: Jackhammering is when you’re banging her head against the wall repeatedly while plowing her.
Guy #2: No, that’s a battering-ram.
Guy #1: Well, I prefer Rodney King style, beating her senseless while taking care of business.
Guy #2: Could you say that louder? One cook back there didn’t hear you. –Margaritaville, Grand Central Overheard by: Lizzerd

Wednesday One-liners Watch Their Weight

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she’s a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!…What size are you? –Staten Island Ferry

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Maybe Mom Got a Head Wound in Iraq, or Something

Little kid: Hey, mom, look! You can see the moon!
Ghetto mom: Shut up! You can't see no moon when the sun out. Sit down 'fore I bust yo little ass!
Little kid: But I can see the moon!
Nice older lady to kid: You're right, honey. You can see the moon when the sun is out. The moon is bright because of the sun.
Kid to mom: See, I told you I could see the moon?
Ghetto mom: That bitch lyin'!

–A Train

Overheard by: innocent mta customer