Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Sit Shiva

50-something suit: In many ways I enjoyed his funeral reception more than his wedding reception. –PATH Overheard by: Joe H. Girl on cell: He died. They found his body. I don't know, somewhere in the Bronx. He was strangled or some shit. Yeah, he died from it. Oh shit, that's why I forgot to send you the invitation for the whatchacallit, the funeral. –Rivington & Attorney Overheard by: I wasn't invited either Gay guy to friend: So I told John I would go to his funeral just to spit in his face! –West Bank Cafe 60-something woman to another: So I'm glad I didn't go to his fucking bitch sister's funeral. But now he's mad. –Central Park 20-something guy on cell: Just 'cause I did meth with his daughter doesn't mean I'm going to go to his funeral! –7th Ave Subway Entrance

Sorry, the Evil Priest Positions Have Been Filled

Woman #1: I’ve been thinking lately that I want to be a gynecologist.
Woman #2: That’d be so cute! You could deliver babies and everything!
Woman #1: Oh. Well. Actually, I don’t really like children. I mean, I’d be willing to kill them, but I wouldn’t really want to deliver them… –Nevada Smith’s, 3rd Avenue

Wednesday One-Liners Just Need to Walk It Off

Large bald man on Bluetooth: He got a fuckin' boo boo, that's all! –Gramercy Suit on cell: So, I haven't been electrocuted…yet. –L Train Elderly woman: I regret that she broke her arm. I do not regret pushing her down the stairs. –E Train Overheard by: Pat Little boy: I hope the boo-boo goes away soon! My staple won't hold that long! –23rd & Park Ave Overheard by: Say what? Guy on train to friend: Hey, would you still date a girl if she was in an industrial accident and had to wear a Darth Vader suit forever? –6 Train

But What About Miracle Whip?

Man: So you’ve had problems with customers before, huh?
Cashier: Just one guy. It was 4th of July weekend and he was going on about sour cream. He was the only one in the store. He started hitting me because he said I charged the wrong price. I kept telling him that he had to leave.
Man: Wow!
Cashier: Yeah, he was obviously going senile. I mean, I’d never hit anyone over sour cream! –Waldbaum’s, Bensonhurst

Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’

Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it. –Columbia 20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City. –Columbia Overheard by: martina m. Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu. –Columbia Overheard by: Ladle Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar. –1 train Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’ –1 train Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is. –Columbia Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition. –116th St Overheard by: Sam

Women Take a Stand on Wednesday One-liners

Petite woman: Just because you are taller doesn’t mean you are stronger. I have more power in my finger than that broad! One flick from me and she’d be on her ass! –43rd & 6th Guy on cell: I’ve got the dogs. I’ve got your mother’s latte. I’ve got your cappuccino, and I’m willing to go back for a movie but you’ve got to drive me…Hello? Hello? –Park Slope Overheard by: amb Chick: My boss never actually reads her e-mail. I forwarded her a message with someone’s address, but she only read the first line and responded “Where’s the address”? I mean, scroll down bitch! Jeeeeez. –Maiden Lane Overheard by: J Yoga instructor: I am totally never going back to Dop Dop again. They kept telling people I’m really a brunette. –Equinox, 50th Street Girl: And you know what? After having a few accidents, I just decided to wear pads, to let it flow naturally. –College of Staten Island Overheard by: Dr. Ballon Woman on cell: So she says to me, “Oh, you’re so interesting”, and I’m like, “Fuck you, you fucking cunt.” –57th & 5th Overheard by: Heather