Waiter: I’ve got chocolate all over my pants! –Cold Springs
Archive for the ‘Waiters’ Category
You know you’re Not in New York when… (Part Four)
In a hamburger joint in Vancouver: “Can I have a regular hamburger, rare, please?” Waitress: “You’re obviously not from BC. In the whole province, it is illegal to cook a hamburger in any way other than well-done.”
That’s “the Stupidest Thing”?!
Chick: The waiter said I couldn’t sit on his lap. Then he said not only couldn’t I sit on his lap, that the people next to us complained that I was sitting on his lap! That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard in my life, that you can’t sit on someone’s lap in a restaurant. And to blame the people next to us, who were lovely? –Our Place, 3rd Avenue
…He'd Like a Large Pepperoni Pizza, Please.
Construction man to Indian restaurant server: Can I get a chicken lo mein?
Server: Uh… That's Chinese food, this is an Indian food restaurant. The Chinese take-out is next door, but it's closed.
Construction man to walkie talkie: Hey, Charlie, this is a Thai place and they don't have chicken lo mein. Want something else instead?
–Indian Restaurant, Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: HungryMan
One Time I Caught Him Doing a Line of Mashed Potatoes
Elderly man to waiter: You know, that looks like 'shrooms.
Waiter: Sir, this is couscous.
–Broadway & 90th
Overheard by: GuyonaMac
Headline by: Bojo
Runners-Up:
· “All Of Us Have a Bad Experience with Rice-A-Roni” – the blue one
· “Bernie’s Attempts at Discreetly Finding a Drug Dealer Have Failed Yet Again” – RaeAn
· “It’s Not Easy Being Keith Richards’ Waiter” – I’ll have the mushroom soup
· “Well, Then You Clearly Got My Order Wrong.” – Timmy
· “Whatever, As Long As It Gets Me Where I Want to Go” – PeterG
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
From The Alcoholic Miser's Guide to the Big Apple
Server: Would you ladies like iced water or bottled water?
20-something girl: Do we have to pay for bottled water?
Server: Um, yes.
20-something girl: Oh, then no. I'll just have a beer.
–Pisticci Restaurant, La Salle & Broadway
Overheard by: Edd
But Do “The Pee Pee Dance” for My Amusement, and We'll Talk
Desperate lady walking in diner: Can I use your bathroom?
Diner guy: Bathrooms are for customers only.
Desperate lady: I'll give you ten dollars.
Diner guy: Bathrooms are for customers.
Desperate lady: I'm desperate.
Diner guy: You can talk to the manager.
Desperate lady to manager: Can I use your bathroom?
Manager: Bathrooms are for customers.
Desperate lady: I'll give you ten dollars.
Manager: I don't need ten dollars.
–Diner, Chelsea
Overheard by: stephie
A Pork Chop? A Mercedes?
Bum, to smoking cater waiter: Can I get a smoke?
Cater waiter: (nods saying “no”)
Bum, pulling a cigarette out of his ear: Then, can I get light?
Cater waiter: (lights it)
Bum: Can I get five bucks?
–14th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Where's your sense of rhythm?
Only Under the Table, Though
Fabulous diner ordering coffee: …with half and half.
Waiter: We're a dairy free restaurant, but we have organic whole milk.
–Josie's, 74th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Where's a dictionary?
He Learned English from Fifty Cent's Audio Series
Overly tanned gentleman with crisp white shirt: Yo, my brotha, you gotta bib?
Waiter: Uhhh…
–Cafe, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Amanda