Waitress with thick accent: Jennifer Lopez, she pregnant again?
Hostess with equally thick accent: Yes, think so.
Waitress: She never tell anyone!
Hostess: I know, she keeps secret.
Waitress: She go on the talk show. They ask her all the questions. “Are you going to have a baby?” All she do is laugh. She just laugh! She never says anything! She never answers!
–Lindy's Resteraunt
Overheard by: Chloefron
Archive for the ‘Waitresses’ Category
Every Brilliant Idea Has a Catch
Waitress #1: Do you have any tampons?
Waitress #2: Yeah, I have regular and super.
Waitress #1: Are they the plastic kind? The cardboard snags my vagina.
–Restaurant, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Unappetized
Or Was That Mustard?
Lady: I’m lactose intolerant!
Waitress: Then why are you putting butter on your bread?
Lady: I didn’t know butter was dairy! I thought it came from eggs!
–Veselka, E 9th & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Katznik
In That Case I’d Recommend Less Wrist
(older woman flailing her arms around while speaking to younger woman she is dining with)
Waitress: Yes, did you need something?
Older woman: Oh, no! I was just doing an imitation of ferocious wolves in the wild.
Waitress: Oh, okay.
–French Restaurant, Spring St
Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"
–4 Train
This Picture Book Will Explain
Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It’s called the “Paul Bunyan”.
Bimbette: Is that French?
–High Life Cafe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities
Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It’s just very New York, you know?
–23rd & 8th
Overheard by: Kate
White Girl: I’m leaving this city, it’s all just bed bugs and bad drugs.
–Queensboro Plaza
Overheard by: Zach
Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk… In DC, you don’t.
–1 Train
Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".
–49th & 1st
Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can’t handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]
–42nd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Bunk Moreland
He’s Got Jungle Fever
Chinese food lady in Chinese take-out restaurant: Duck sauce, soy sauce?
Mr Clean-looking guy: Uhh Uhh… [Scratches shiny head.] I dunno, the Black sauce.
–Flushing, Queens
Are You Certain That You Do?
Customer: So, can I have three tacos — two with chicken, and one chorizo?
Waitress: Eh, what was the last one?
Customer: Chorizo taco!
Waitress: Oh, I don’t know… The chef may not understand that. Y’know, he doesn’t really speak English…
–El Sombrero restaurant, LES
The Baker’s Depressed Again
Customer: What kind of muffins do you have?
Waitress with thick accent: Um… Normal muffins? You know… Brown.
–Diner, Upper West Side