Archive for the ‘Waitresses’ Category

But I’d Eat Out Jack Black’s Ass for the Pastrami at Katz’s

Deli girl: So is that your girlfriend?
Guy : No, just a roommate.
Deli girl: What about that other girl you were in here with last week, the other blonde one?
Guy : Nope, just a friend.
Deli girl: And that brunette that came in with you the other day?
Guy : I’m actually gay.
Guy to roommate: Dude, did you see that? That girl is fucking stalking me, she knows every girl I come in here with. I had to tell her I was gay so she would stop with the questions.
Roommate: Why didn’t you just tell her Jess was your girlfriend?
Guy : Cuz the way she was grilling me, I would’ve had to bring Jess in here and make out with her in front of this psycho to make her believe me.
Roommate: Right, so now all you have to is bring a guy in here and make out with him. she’ll believe you.
Guy: I’m not sure the sandwiches in here are worth that.

–Deli, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Don’t think I’ll be going back there

France Just Seems Small, Because It’s So Easy to Conquer

Customer You Greek?
Waitress
: Greek Orthodox.

Customer: So you’re Greek.
Waitress: No, that’s my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you’re from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It’s the former USSR. It’s between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you’d better.

–Diner, Park Slope

Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship

Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell anyone. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.

–Nation, 45th & 5th

Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink

What Do They Have, Clogs? Pippi Pigtails or Someshit?

Woman: Excuse me, I left my passport in the ladies’ room.
Stewardess guy: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to wait until we make our way down the aisle.
Woman: But I need to get my passport.
Stewardess guy: I understand that, but we cannot move this cart back far enough. We should be through in a few minutes.
Woman: But it’s in the bathroom! What if someone takes it?
Stewardess guy: If it’s not in the bathroom when you get there, let one of us know and we’ll make an announcement.
Woman: No, I can’t wait for that to happen, I have to go and get my passport now.
Stewardess guy: I understand, but as I’ve explained to you before, you must wait. Please return to your seat.
Woman: Oh, you’re very nice. You know, in the United States, people don’t behave like that.
Stewardess guy: In the Netherlands people don’t dress like that. –KLM flight to JFK

Wednesday One-liners Are Ready to Order

Waitress: Sorry sir, your order did not come out as you expected. The cooks don’t speak English so they didn’t understand what you wanted. –ESPNZone, Times Square Overheard by: Rachel W Spanish girl: When I got my tongue pierced it wasn’t swollen at all. They was tellin’ me to eat soup and shit. Fuck that! I was eatin’ rice and beans like five times a day! I am not gonna starve myself for no piercing. Fuck that! Gimme a T-bone. –M train A hobo walks up to the people outside and says: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has no atmosphere. –Indochine, Lafayette Street Drunk guy: So I eat the Baklava, then I go into the bathroom to take care of my business. When I come out I say, “What’s the problem?”. –47th & 9th Overheard by: JH Woman: Can you please make sure it’s a boy lobster? I’m only into boys, and don’t want to eat a girl. –Austin ale house, Kew Gardens Overheard by: tom Pudgy guy on cell: I used to pay for dinner for three. But now I don’t pay for anyone, I just have Apple Jacks at home. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Alita