Archive for the ‘War’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Calculate the Circular Pigmented Area

Coed: When my nipple-hairs pop up, that means I'm done.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo to tiny sexy Asian girl wearing tank top on chilly day: Two nipples for a dime?

–9th Ave & 14th St

Cute gay chick on cell: I am aware that it's pride month, but I still like to keep sharp objects away from my nipples. My gay forefathers did not fight at Stonewall so that I might wear body jewelry.

–4th Ave & 11th St, Brooklyn

Mother to little boy: Those are not meant to be shown in public; nipples are private things.

–A Train

Overheard by: g-lime

Crazy guy, yelling: When I see my nipples in the mirror, I look away!

–Bedford Ave

Overheard by: Zach Rock Steady

Wednesday One-Liners Were “Working Late”

Girl on phone: I'm so sick of this! He keeps making excuses not to see me! I feel like I'm being used! (pause) No, really. (pause) I just can't deal anymore! We only hang out when he wants sex! (pause) And his excuses! Ohmigod! They are getting so lame. (pause) If it's not his work or boss, it's his nanny or his wife or his kid. (pause) I mean… what's his deal?

–Broadway & 20th St

Overheard by: Cali in NYC

Hispanic woman: And meanwhile the husband is in fucking Iraq, and she cheats on him with the UPS guy! What can brown do for you!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Suit on cell: The love, the dirty sex, and the money… It's all going so well, and yet so sneaky. (hangs up, then dials another number) Mary, I think he's finding out… (pause) It's not my fault I am fucking my best friend's wife.

–79th St & Madison

Overheard by: Anna

Girl yapping on cell: It was amazing. I mean, I looked hot. (pause) Yes, I wore the naked dress. He took one look at me and had the "Uh-oh, can't control myself" expression. (pause) No, girl, his fucking wife is in town! I mean, whatever.

–51st St & Lexington Ave

Woman: He cheated… On JDate!

–26th & 8th

Wednesdays Feel Virtuous When They Don't Eat One-Liners

Weird hobo: Ladies and gentleman, I am a disabled Vietnam vet. I'm asking help from all of you so I don't wind up on the streets. While in Vietnam, I was exposed to Agent Orange, which caused me my disability–I became a vegetarian.

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: An Amused Former Vegetarian

Aging hippie to woman spouting PETA propaganda: I've been a vegan for 30 years. You're embarrassing me. Why do you do that?

–F Train

Overheard by: AeC

Guy: Yo, I'm vegetarian now, I don't eat no meat, but man I love that chicken. That chicken just keeps comin' back to me!

–Manna's

Overheard by: eatinginharlem

Crazy-looking woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was totally a vegetarian yesterday. Like literally, I ate no meat.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Meat Eater

Clueless 20-something female: Do you have another menu? I'm a vegan.

–Brother Jimmy's BBQ, 31st St

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liner.

Super gay dude to equally gay friend: You can tell she's mad when she starts using adjectives.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: liat

Angry black man to white man standing too close: Fool, whatcha think you're doin? You tryin' to get all up on me? You don't know what I could do. I could bust a cap in yo ass. I'm an angry black man!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Bex

Black man to Asian woman he's trying to hit on: Why won't you talk to me, baby? You still mad about the Korean war?

–145th & Broadway

Older woman on cell: Trixie, you have to stop kicking things when you get mad!

–40th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sean

Trampy Spanish girl to cranky Spanish guy: Why are you mad? It was just a blowjob, and he's your brother!

–West Village

Overheard by: Stifled A. Guffaw

The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves

20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.

–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch

Overheard by: Kelli Jo

Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.

–7th Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: Oh no he didn't….

Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!

–4 Train

Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard's Obama.

–Kent Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trekkie

Diner to companion: Since Obama's been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They're testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they're testing his gallstones.

–Teddy's Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)

–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens

Do Wednesday One-Liners Measure Up?

Eastern European in velour jumpsuit, approaching guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, remember to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing tomorrow. It's a good size. Alright, see you later.

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ben A

Girl to friends: And then she was like, "yeah, let me look at you with my weirdly oversized eyeballs."

–Court St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: iwn2000

Female suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They're too big! They won't fit in the hole!

–Broadway

Guy: Masculinity is determined by the size of your (slight pause) army…

–Millennium High School

Little girl, carrying tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!

–Central Park

The Wayans Brothers Are the Most Important Social Commentators Of Our Time

Older hipster film snob: I am trying to watch all those movies they made about the Iraq War in the last few years. I just finished rendition and I thought Stop Loss was this really poignant picture of the way soldiers have dealt with the renewed tours.
Friend: Oh, yeah? You know what movie looks really good? I think it is still in theaters. Dance Flick.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Leave It to New Yorkers to Get to the Core Of an Issue

Barefoot hobo: World War II was the best day of my life til my big sista was born in 1812. That was them Spaniard War… (silence, then in a really loud voice) Dammit, who stole my chicken?
Nervous white woman to friend, whispering: That's what happens when you send your kids to public school… (a minute later) Did he even have chicken?

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Run the Other Underground Railroad

Conductor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Huntington. Stopping at Woodside, Jamaica, New Hyde Park…blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks microphone off)

–LIRR

Conductor: There's a 2 express train right across the platform. Ready, set, go!

–1 Train

Conductor: There's a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the platform. Say that three times fast.

–F Train

Overheard by: Thom Cohen

Conductor: Ladies and gentleman, I have a very important announcement: this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. I repeat, this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. There will be another train after this one, and another one after that.

–Downtown 2 Train

Train conductor: This message is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the platform at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you?

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Guitarbuyer

Bus driver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you'll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-given walking ability, the q train is next.

–B11 Bus

Overheard by: not using her god given walking ability

Conductor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Everyone ready? And away we go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ali