Archive for the ‘War’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Run the Other Underground Railroad

Conductor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Huntington. Stopping at Woodside, Jamaica, New Hyde Park…blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks microphone off)

–LIRR

Conductor: There's a 2 express train right across the platform. Ready, set, go!

–1 Train

Conductor: There's a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the platform. Say that three times fast.

–F Train

Overheard by: Thom Cohen

Conductor: Ladies and gentleman, I have a very important announcement: this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. I repeat, this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. There will be another train after this one, and another one after that.

–Downtown 2 Train

Train conductor: This message is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the platform at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you?

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Guitarbuyer

Bus driver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you'll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-given walking ability, the q train is next.

–B11 Bus

Overheard by: not using her god given walking ability

Conductor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Everyone ready? And away we go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ali

Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough

Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.

–1 New York Plaza

Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens…forever. Would that be a war crime?

–Wall Street

Overheard by: …I almost asked

30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.

–Court St. & Montague

Overheard by: Kaiti

Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!

–G Train

Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips

Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!

–Queens

Wednesday One-Liner: What Is It Good For?

Cleaner: What a pair of tits on that girl! That's why we go to war, that's why we're in Iraq!

–Service Elevator, Lexington & 41st St

Overheard by: Nicky

Annoying chick, about John McCain: I mean, he was a POW because he fucked up!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: megan

Security guard, breaking up fight during peace march: You can't fight at the peace march! You can't fight at the peace march!

–143 & Malcolm X

Woman to screaming three-year-old: And that's why you have to register to vote! Or else they'll draft you and you'll have to go to war!

–33rd & 2nd

Girl on phone: I can just get a pass from the Israeli army. Don't worry about it. They're easy.

–NYU Palladium Dining Hall

What Is It About a Wednesday One-Liner in Uniform?

Security guard to another: I know it's habitual to act retarded.

–Time Warner Security Check

Overheard by: spandangle

Security guard: The door's that way, people. I know that when you see a door you want to go through it–it's human nature.

–Crown Plaza Hotel, Times Square

Overheard by: GJL

Female security guard: What does my sexual genitalia have to do with it?

–Brooklyn Library

Little boy: Mommy, mommy, look! They've got security guards! Must be a rich people place.

–86th & Brooklyn

Security guard, after metal detector beeps: Ma'am, would you please remove your wooden bracelet and walk back through the metal detector again?

–Liberty Island

Overheard by: heather linford

Crazy security guard: I have so much gas. I'm going to take all my gas and send it to Iraq and end the war. (gets distracted by a girl walking past with an ice cream cone) Hey, you're stomach's gonna freeze!

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Honest Truth