Archive for the ‘War’ Category

Hawkeye Just Wants an Audience

Supermarket stock guy, screaming into cell while loading cheese onto shelves: Yo! What up, punk ass! Call me back punk ass bitch!
[Hangs up cell and breaks into chorus of that “Oh What a Night (December ’63)” song.]
100-year-old male shopper
: ’63? You’re not even old enough to remember ’63.

Stock guy: Man, I was born in ’60. July 1960.
100-year-old male shopper: Oh, ’60, huh? I served in Korea…

–20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: LiAps

But Isn’t That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?

Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]
Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Winning the War Against Space Chickens, One Bird at a Time

Little boy: Is this a fighter plane?
Grandma: No. A fighter plane is quicker and can only fit two people.
Little boy: … Then why are there lasers?


Overheard by: Adam Vine Whip

Headline by: Miss Edith

· “Dont EVER question lasers” – melissa

· “For the sharks, of course” – Britta
· “In case you start kicking the seat in front of you” – bobofthejungle
· “To Protect Us From Gay Marriage” – ImmaculatePizza

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

All-Volunteer Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: Join the Army, get a Frisbee!

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Suzie

Girl on cell: Wait, what’s his name? Jihad?

–8th & University Pl

Marine to cute girl: I’d pay to have sex with you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: joe osmundson

Music teacher: So, you’re getting you hair cut, and you keep going, and… And next thing you know you’re in the Army. Wait, that was a bad analogy. I’ll think of a better one, don’t worry.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: LSB

Crazy guy: You’re so beautiful. Why don’t you stop the war? If you’re so beautiful, why don’t you stop the war?

–F train

Overheard by: Just going home

Hipster: Ryan* is so not married! He’s got some military job that, like, forbades him to be married!