Archive for the ‘Weapons’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Forgot Their Coffee This Morning

Train conductor: This is New York Penn Station. New York Penn. For those of you who are just waking up, this is Penn Station. If you are supposed to get off at New York Penn, wake up and get off now! (train leaves) Those of you who are just waking up: if you were supposed to get off at New York Penn Station, you just missed it! I told you to get up! –Amtrak Train College guy: Last night I woke up on an oriental rug and I had no idea where I was. –Sheep Meadow, Central Park Hispanic lady: Quiet down, some people are trying to sleep! –6 Train Man to friend: She can sleep in the closet. –Brooklyn Overheard by: Wait what? Loud pharmaceutical salesman to doctor: They say that New York is the city that never sleeps, right? You know why? You know why? Herpes! –Doctor's Office, Astoria Woman on cell: So I walked into a room and she's there, chained to a chair. And he had a gun, pointing it at me, saying he was gonna shoot me. Then I started crying. And he fucking shot her. (people on bus look worried) And then I woke up. –M4 Bus Overheard by: trev

Bowling for Wednesday One-Liner

Drunk thug, reflecting on his baby-mama's new man: I love motherfuckin' guns, and that's the bottom line, but I don't wanna go to jail. –Bar, Cortelyou Road Boy to limping blonde struggling to keep up: Oh my god, if you were a horse I would shoot you. –NJ Transit Overheard by: The Game Father to two small children, pulling them away from the register: C'mon, guys. Let's go before mommy shoots herself. –Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway Loud black girl: It's Manhattan, I don't have to worry about getting shot. –NYU Guy on cell: Hey man, aren't you tired of being shot? –Queens Center Mall

Americans Prefer to Learn About Other Countries by Invading Them

Female yuppie, looking at cover of New York Times: Wow. Look at that picture!
Male yuppie: What is it?
Female yuppie: It's like, some Al Qaeda guy walking in the water with all his guns and stuff.
Male yuppie: Where is he?
Female yuppie: I don't know. Algeria?
Male yuppie: I didn't know there was water in Algeria. –Crossroads Cafe, Brooklyn

“Et Tu, Wednesday One-Liner?”

Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a…a cigarette filter into a knife! –Uptown B Train Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening… Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex! –Broadway & 32nd St Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense. –94th St & 1st Ave Overheard by: Dan Rosen Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew! –Fulton Street Mall Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?" –4/5 Train Overheard by: Whitey Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though. –NYU Overheard by: brooklyn1234

Wednesday One-Liners. (Allegedly)

Snooty female 30-something to friend: Pap-smears are, to me, the new fake eyelashes. –Upper East Side Overheard by: ianbobian Aggressive New Yorker: So he pulls out his fucking fake-ass parking pass, and I pull out my gun. And I'm like "you still wanna park here, asshole? Go ahead!" –60th St & Broadway Screaming drunk girl to slightly sober guy: If you're going to be fake to me, at least be fake to my face! –LIRR Overheard by: Really!?!? Girl on cell: Okay, call me when you're done entertaining the fake Jews. –Cafe, Church & Walker Loud woman: No, it was a fake. I'd have to like, sleep with him to get the real one, you know? –Hester & Mott Overheard by: Jensel

God Bless the LIRR

30-something guy: Have you ever shot an AK-47?
40-something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30-something guy: How did it feel?
40-something girl: Pulling that trigger… It's amazing.
30-something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40-something girl: Yes! When did you?
30-something guy: It was one of those “wrong place at the wrong time” situations… I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird? –LIRR Overheard by: Francesca

Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner

Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal. –Bed Bath & Beyond Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister–I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you." –Uptown 2 Train Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee! –23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Overheard by: Zach Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one! –Union Square 20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old! –19th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Emily Davidson Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!" –Hudson & Laight