Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I'm unstoppable! I'm like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, "what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?" and I was like, "what wouldn't you do with a giant inflatable turkey?"

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

I’m Thankful for My Family

Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares! –Prospect Heights Overheard by: Michael Barthel Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking. –F train Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year. –West 4th Street & 6th Avenue Overheard by: Scott Hoffman Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…” –A train Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat. –Fine Fair, Avenue C Overheard by: Catechist Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we? –6 train Overheard by: Chris Mohney

Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven’t Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.

–4 train

Overheard by: Scotty H.

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I… [doors close].

–E train, W 4th

Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo’ bills!

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: Clook

Hobo to another: So, I hear you’re an international spy now.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.

–80th & Broadway

Rest in Peace, Wednesday One-liners

Anorexia on cell: Oh, she died? From what?…Oh, that’s horrible. Well, everyone has to die somehow. –Coffee shop, Madison & 79th Overheard by: Julz Cab driver: Are you trying for die, bitch? –Taxi, Houston & Broadway Overheard by: Aaron Brumer Girl on cell: …and they took me to a psychic and the psychic said I’m, like, dead inside and that I have nothing going for me. –Broadway & Broome Guy: I’ll tell you what: I’ll kill myself, you don’t have to bother. –47th & 5th Woman on cell: Girl, you know I only gotta do two things: stay black and die. And I’m doing that real well. Staying black, I mean. –Karavas Place ladies’ room, W. 4th Street Girl: Oh, so I forgot to tell you about my ex who died last year. He drowned…this is a good story. –World Financial Center

Wednesday One-Liners: Fact or Fiction?

Guy: It's like August: Osage County, but with zombies.

–Manhattan Theatre Source

Overheard by: Emily B.

Girl: You know what they say: two in the bush, one in the wizard.

–Dorm, Pratt Institute

College student: Ghosts? They're like VT!

–186th St & Amsterdam

Black female suit on cell: Yeah, well you betta hope Tinkabell comes along… Or whoever the fuck it is who grants you ya damn wishes!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: emily d.

Annoyed man on cell walking down stairs: No, mom, I don't know what werewolves eat! No, mom, I don't! Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm going into the subway!

–Union Square Subway Entrance

Overheard by: Masked Avenger

How Many Licks Does It Take to Get to the Center Of a Wednesday One-Liner?

Chick on cell: It's all about the eyeball lick. Tell her.

–59th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: aenigma

NYPD cop: I would rather lick the street than ever smell your fart again.

–Forsyth St & E Houston St

Overheard by: Dave-o

Teen girl to friends: He's so gross! Seriously, I'd rather lick my cat's asshole than hook up with that guy!

–Barnes & Noble, Bayside

Guy at bar to friend: I can't believe you married a woman who won't lick your asshole.

–Ale House, MacDougal St

Random woman: Why do you always insist on licking my elbow?

–86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jana

One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner’s Nest

Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind’s going crazy and I shake a lot…

–Chipotle, 33rd & 5th

Crazy girl on cell: … So he tells me I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does he think I’m crazy?! There is no way I’m crazy! He’s crazy for thinking that!

–33rd & 6th

Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!

–1 train station, Christopher St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.

–Mulberry & Broome

Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

Wednesday One-Liners Bottom Out

JAP: I was thinking about getting some Botox in my back so my ass doesn’t swim around so much.

–4th & Broadway

Overheard by: Will

Loud dude: Yes, I’m very sure that I have dimples in my ass.

–75th & Broadway

Overheard by: Adele G

Dude to cute chick walking away: I don’t care! I’ll put hickies on both your butt cheeks!

–DeKalb & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: bit

Bag lady to hobo: I ain’t kiddin’. There’s a teenage mutant ninja turtle battling out of my ass.

–20th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: ninjanr

30-ish lady: Oh, god, why won’t my ass stop twitching?

–Q train, Church Ave

Overheard by: Rez

Fan to Beyoncé: Yo, Beyoncé, baby — they is childrens starvin’ in Bolivia! Why don’t you give ‘em some o’ dat be-hin’?!

–Outside MTV studios

Where's a Wednesday One-Liner When You Need One?

Cop: Man, I'm computer illiterate… That's why the NYPD is perfect for me.

–Police Precinct, Bronx

Overheard by: afrocurl

Cop car to man in the street, after using sirens: How stupid are you? Move out of the way!
(crowd cheers)

–Thompson & Bleecker

Overheard by: onlycoolcop

Loudspeaker on police car to pedestrian: What are you doing!?

–Houston & Broadway

Woman with missing teeth, grabbing tourist and yelling: I'm not a cop! I'm a ho!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Jo Ann Chism