Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Scream ‘Gender Surprise!’

Girl to friend: … And it was like, ‘Bam! I have a penis, too, man.’ –W 4th & 6th Crazy guy: The revolution is in my pussy! The revolution is in my vagina! –Washington Square Park Prep school gangsta leaving train: Yo, man, grab his tits! Yeah! –C train Overheard by: Annearchist Guy yelling into cell: I’m an intelligent woman! So I think… –59th St, Columbus Circle NYU chick: If I was a hermaphrodite, then I would totally understand what they were talking about. –Shade, W 3rd & Sullivan

Wednesday Undie-Liners

Woman on cell: Okay, but this time please stay out of my underwear drawer. –Astor Place Overheard by: Jess Overconfident guy: I know, I know. You say you have a 3.7 at NYU Law, and the panties just drop. –Dorm, NYU Law Overheard by: holdingbacklaughter Little old lady on park bench to another: Well, I've been stuffing my bra now, and now I can't find my money. –Central Park West & 63rd St Overheard by: Jen Woman: My dog only eats my underwear. He doesn't eat my son's. He doesn't eat my husband's. Only mine! I wonder why. (pauses to think) Hmm… it must be that feminine smell. –E 40th St Overheard by: TMI Livid man on cell: No! You can't have your underwear back! –Chelsea

Blow It Out Your Wednesday One-Liner

Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks oddly: Listen girl, I farted so hard yesterday I blasted half my ass off. (pause) No, seriously! I am still walking funny! –24th St b/w 6th & 7th Overheard by: Joseph Teenage boy to another: One time this hot bitch farted on my lap, and I didn't know what to do. –12th St & University Place Crazy hobo sitting on blanket: I used to wear underwear, but then I farted and left a stain, so decided no more. Can anyone spare any change? –87th & Broadway Overheard by: Nynanny Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I'm a Southern girl. I fart crawfish. –McLean Ave, Yonkers Woman on phone: Well, the romance is out of my life: this morning Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and farted. –Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brooklyn Overheard by: craig hunter

Wednesday One-Liners Got a Norplant When They Turned 11

Girl: Promiscuity is turning out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be. –Columbia bookstore Drunken hobo singing: Jesus loves me! Jesus supports me! [Turning to two NYU girls] Jesus doesn’t support you! [Chuckles] Whores! –LaGuardia & W 3rd Overheard by: TheBrit Professor: Monogamy is depressing. When you get married you can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for 25 years, and I was on Prozac by year two. Female promiscuity is frowned upon in nearly all cultures. Dammit! –Fordham University Girl on cell: Oh my god! That is so funny! Wait, is she a slut? It would be so much funnier if she was a slut… Oh. Never mind. –Central Park Overheard by: Cassie Bubbly high school chick: … And I didn’t know, so I just opened my legs… –Astor Pl Homeless man yelling at passersby: Can any of you spare a nickel in the name of alcoholic beverages? Or maybe a loose woman or two?! –7th & Ave A Overheard by: you gotta respect the honesty Dad to little girl: Okay, honey, now how do we spell ‘whore’? Remember, sound it out… –Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Never Said They Were Exclusive

Woman on cell: Well, her profile says ‘In a relationship,’ so she has no excuse to be fucking everyone else’s boyfriends! –The Bagel House, 39th St & Ditmars Blvd, Astoria Overheard by: Louie Guy: Hey, I’ll give you my ex-girlfriend if you’ll take her. –1st St & Ave A Overheard by: apples Fag hag: Anderson Cooper is so gorgeous. I want to be his boyfriend. –1 train Overheard by: Allisa Ghetto babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She’s not gettin’ another. What’s she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get herself locked up again? –Penn Station Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend because he wants to get a monkey. –59th & Lex Overheard by: Matt Bimbette: Do you think the reason I can’t get a boyfriend is because I never re-post those things on MySpace?! –LaGuardia airport Little girl: I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Sometimes it’s better not to be in a relationship. –72nd St & York

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Guy: My eyelashes have decided to declare war against my eyes. –12th Street & 6th Avenue Overheard by: E. F. Schubert Woman: All I wanted was some sunflower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk carton. –41st & 5th Overheard by: rebecca h. Teen girl on cell: So I finally talked to him and I was like, “Do you have any safety pins?” and he was all, “No!” and then I was like,
“What about all the ones in your face?” –Red Hook Overheard by: linda

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate! –14th b/w 3rd & 4th Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away) –Bowling Green Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots! –McCarren Park, Brooklyn (intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep) –Hudson Line Train Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee! –Brooklyn Bridge Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers! –Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway Overheard by: Suze V

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method

Columbia grad student: …developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance. –Columbia University Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That’s interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I’ve got permission… We’re never going to get to anything today, are we? I’m so bad at this… –Tisch School of the Arts, NYU Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it. –John Jay College Overheard by: soccerking3t Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don’t think English class will ever be the same. –Stuyvesant High School Overheard by: Natasha Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don’t flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming. –Fordham, the Bronx Overheard by: Jess McGins Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I’m not a doctor yet! –West Village, 8th & 14th Overheard by: annie NYU girl to professor: So, if you’re sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn’t ask the question, "What are you thinking?" –NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston

A Home is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Hobo: ‘Scuse me. You wanna give a quarter to the United Negro Pizza Fund? –44th & 8th Hobo: Listen, girls, do you care to donate to the United Negro Pastrami Sandwich Fund? –Bowery between 3rd & 4th Hobo: Would you like to donate to the United Negro Pizza Fund? –82nd & Amsterdam Overheard by: Leigh Hobo: Can you offer a contribution to the United Negro I Didn’t Go to College Fund? –60th & Columbus

Wednesday One-liners Are the New Lavender

Crazy guy: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Homosexuality! Heh heh heh. –53rd Street station Guy on cell: No, I’m waiting for the ferry…No, not him; the boat that goes into the city. –Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island Overheard by: Chris Cotterman Girl: She said she wasn’t attracted to me! I mean, I’m straight as a goat, but…am I ugly? –R train Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian Middle-aged guy: You know, somebody needs to tell gay men that they’re not 17 year old girls. –David Barton Gym, 23rd Street Queer: For God’s sake, be creative. We’re gay! –West Elm, 18th Street Woman on cell: It’s really gay outside right now. –Bowery & 4th Dude: I thought I saw Matt Damon; then I realized it was just a gay guy. –Barrow Street Crazy guy: And what do gay people do with the money they save on child support? The parade! They pay for the parade. –53rd Street station