Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

I’m Thankful for My Family

Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares! –Prospect Heights Overheard by: Michael Barthel Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking. –F train Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year. –West 4th Street & 6th Avenue Overheard by: Scott Hoffman Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…” –A train Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat. –Fine Fair, Avenue C Overheard by: Catechist Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we? –6 train Overheard by: Chris Mohney

Rest in Peace, Wednesday One-liners

Anorexia on cell: Oh, she died? From what?…Oh, that’s horrible. Well, everyone has to die somehow. –Coffee shop, Madison & 79th Overheard by: Julz Cab driver: Are you trying for die, bitch? –Taxi, Houston & Broadway Overheard by: Aaron Brumer Girl on cell: …and they took me to a psychic and the psychic said I’m, like, dead inside and that I have nothing going for me. –Broadway & Broome Guy: I’ll tell you what: I’ll kill myself, you don’t have to bother. –47th & 5th Woman on cell: Girl, you know I only gotta do two things: stay black and die. And I’m doing that real well. Staying black, I mean. –Karavas Place ladies’ room, W. 4th Street Girl: Oh, so I forgot to tell you about my ex who died last year. He drowned…this is a good story. –World Financial Center

One Flew Over the Wednesday One-Liner’s Nest

Teen: I just like popcorn, cake, and Pepsi, so my mind’s going crazy and I shake a lot…

–Chipotle, 33rd & 5th

Crazy girl on cell: … So he tells me I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! Why does he think I’m crazy?! There is no way I’m crazy! He’s crazy for thinking that!

–33rd & 6th

Angry black woman: Why are they taking pictures of the crazy man? Goddamn tourists! God damn them all!

–1 train station, Christopher St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Tourist woman: I think the only people that speak English here are the crazy people screaming obscenities on the streets.

–Mulberry & Broome

Chick on cell: Then again, who am I to talk about being crazy? I have a clove of garlic in my cooch!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

Wednesday One-Liners Bottom Out

JAP: I was thinking about getting some Botox in my back so my ass doesn’t swim around so much.

–4th & Broadway

Overheard by: Will

Loud dude: Yes, I’m very sure that I have dimples in my ass.

–75th & Broadway

Overheard by: Adele G

Dude to cute chick walking away: I don’t care! I’ll put hickies on both your butt cheeks!

–DeKalb & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: bit

Bag lady to hobo: I ain’t kiddin’. There’s a teenage mutant ninja turtle battling out of my ass.

–20th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: ninjanr

30-ish lady: Oh, god, why won’t my ass stop twitching?

–Q train, Church Ave

Overheard by: Rez

Fan to Beyoncé: Yo, Beyoncé, baby — they is childrens starvin’ in Bolivia! Why don’t you give ‘em some o’ dat be-hin’?!

–Outside MTV studios

Wednesday One-liners Excreta

Guy: Baby, I gotta piss, shit…barf, burp, sneeze, all that crap. –Astroland Punk girl: Oh my God. If I see Jorge I’m going to poop my pants. –Randall’s Island Overheard by: Holly Kaye Woman: Do you know how nasty maxi pads are? It’s like a baby sitting in its own shit. It’s like me sloshing around in my own blood! –22nd & Park Overheard by: Sion Harrington Crazy lady: Can I get some privacy? I saw you peeking through the crack. All I wanna do is pee. Can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee. If you wanna see pussy, I can show you where to go but can I get some privacy? All I wanna do is pee! –Penn Station ladies’ room Overheard by: bebe Woman: Excuse me! If you’re going to pee on the seat do you think you could at least wipe it off when you’re done so the next person doesn’t have to sit in it? –Grand Central ladies’ room Dude on cell: …so I picked it up and there was, like, some brown stuff on it that I thought was, like, dirt. So I went to brush it off with my hand…but dude, it, like, wasn’t dirt…no… –Penn Station Overheard by: P. Mills Girl: Yo, this motherfucking butterscotch tastes like jizz! –Loews, 32nd & 2nd Overheard by: annie lin Woman on cell: I don’t even know how to wash his balls when they’re that dirty! –Grand Central Overheard by: cat verde Punk chick: Guys are so lucky they don’t have to bleed and when they do, it’s like, all manly. –Williamsburg Overheard by: Miss Amelia

Wednesday One-Liners Make Friends with the Purple Monkey in the Corner

Stoned chick: I’ve got to do all the drugs I can today. I’m going into rehab next week. –Washington Square Park Overheard by: Matt M Old man: Yeah, my daughter moved out a few months ago. She loves her university and smokes a lot of pot. –Bleecker St English professor: Is that what you say when you’re in your room popping ecstasy with the door closed? –City College Southern woman on cell: Have fun with the kids. Oh? He died? Joe’s son died? Why’d he die so young? Vicodin overdose? Oh, I will be careful. Well, that’s what happens when you take too much Vicodin. You die. — CVS, 54th & Lex Overheard by: Your Mom Teenage girl: Yeah, she sucks now that she’s a crack addict –Columbia University Overheard by: An offended crack addict Literary critic: It was Sherlock Holmes who got me on coke. –Cherry Tree bar, 4th Ave, Park Slope

Wednesday One-Liners, Not Drugs

Muscle man to another: You have to hug me more!

–18th & 6th

Overheard by: Joe Fenton

Hobo: I won’t hug you if you give me money.

–6 train

Overheard by: Gabrielle

Little tourist girl, arms outstretched: Mommy, I just want to hug New York!

–49th, between 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Scarfish

Lesbo on cell: I just hugged a man. I don’t even know him!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Jericho n’ drop

Panhandler: If you don’t have money and you’re fairly attractive, give me a hug and we’ll call it even.

–F train

Wednesday One-Liners Owned the “Math Is Hard” Barbie

Teacher: You had six, one of them quit, you now have four… Wait!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Woman to friends: It’s true! Crack babies just aren’t very good at math.

–W Houston St.

Overheard by: Emily T.

Disgruntled woman on cell: We are not splitting this in half — I want 70-40!

–Broadway & Exchange

Enthusiastic conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the last car is not the only car on this train. If you spread out, you get on the train faster, we get moving faster, and you won’t be able to complain that MTA trains never run on time. It’s simple mathematics, ladies and gentlemen. Get up on it.

–A train

Overheard by: mildly entertained

If Wednesday One-Liners Did It

Woman on cell: Are you really surprised that Marcus turned out to be a serial killer?

–Times Square

Overheard by: shex

College dude on cell: No, the entire male species is going to die, remember?

–Times Square

Overheard by: glad i’m a girl.

Aviator-wearing rocker wannabe: Dude, seriously, think about it. Why aren’t there more serial killers?!

–Union Square West at 16th St

Guy: You know, I pray for the days when I find bodies…

–Lorimer St & Metropolitan Ave

Columbia newspaper reporter: Dude, you can’t just kill one person and be a serial killer. You have to work up to being a serial killer.

–Columbia Spectator Office

Overheard by: And you know from experience?

Cashier to friend: Yeah, there’s this couple that comes in every week and rents serial killer movies.

–Brooklyn Video Rental Store

Overheard by: tiff

Conductor: Thank you for riding MTA, and remember to smile. You’ll confuse the people who want to kill you!

–L train

Overheard by: Paige