Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap. –NYU Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades. –Central Park, W 72nd Overheard by: Rachel Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch! –N train Overheard by: Shawnito Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks. –4/5 platform, Union Square Overheard by: Orson Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria. –Mott & Canal St Overheard by: Marie Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass! –Brooklyn Tech High School Overheard by: Liz Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped. –107th & Manhattan Overheard by: Emily B.

Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School

Asian chick: I’m just so sick of failing in general. –NYU Bobst Library Overheard by: jason NYU girl to friends: Well, he’s not always drunk. Sometimes he’s high. –Prince & Mercer NYU chick: I found out I didn’t have AIDS… I went to Whole Foods… It was a good day. –27th & Park Overheard by: It was a good day NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them! –NYU NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that’s indicative that we’re happy together. –Bowery & Canal NYU girl on cell: I don’t know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they’re telling me Dublin. What should I do? –721 Broadway Overheard by: Tyler Queer student: I don’t really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren’t many lookers. –NYU Silver Center

The Little Wednesday One-Liners That Could

Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there’s always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they’d do something about that! –34th & 7th Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow! –2nd floor, Port Authority Overheard by: JoBell Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express! –DeKalb station Overheard by: jaded Blonde: I’ve only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I’ve never gone East on it. I don’t know how. –1 train Overheard by: minerfa Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don’t ever do that. –F train Overheard by: dianora

Don’t Drink and Wednesday One-Liner

Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her. –51st & 8th Overheard by: Nigel Chick to guy: I’ll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home. –5th & 2nd Woman to man: Well, if we’re not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink! –Mulberry St Overheard by: Hazel Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car. –49th & 5th Overheard by: seann r Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck — I’m the truck! –28th & 7th

Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights

Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah. –Thompson & Bleecker Overheard by: Emily B. Earnest white girl: So, I’ve been thinking about it, and here’s what I’m picturing — dat ho is lyin’ flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he’s in flyin’ position… And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person… I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely. –H&M, Soho Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman! –Greene St, Soho Overheard by: Rich Mintz Costumed guy: Two things you never do — you never pull Superman’s cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right? –13th & University Overheard by: theresa

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up. –4 train Overheard by: Leora Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that. –Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel. –Broadway & 104th

Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this! –W 50th Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to! –23rd & Lex Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street? –Delancey & Chrystie Overheard by: Les Chinatown Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today. –99th & Amsterdam Overheard by: Laughing in the back Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies. –30th & 5th

Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration

Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you’re a good writer? –25th & Madison Overheard by: Jocelyn Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out! –Union Square Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo — animals… They don’t know how to lie. –6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A Overheard by: anthony recchia Bimbette: Yeah, I’ve been to hundreds of Catholic churches… I still lie. –St. Patrick’s Cathedral Overheard by: are you proud of this?

Wednesday One-Liners Got a Norplant When They Turned 11

Girl: Promiscuity is turning out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be. –Columbia bookstore Drunken hobo singing: Jesus loves me! Jesus supports me! [Turning to two NYU girls] Jesus doesn’t support you! [Chuckles] Whores! –LaGuardia & W 3rd Overheard by: TheBrit Professor: Monogamy is depressing. When you get married you can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for 25 years, and I was on Prozac by year two. Female promiscuity is frowned upon in nearly all cultures. Dammit! –Fordham University Girl on cell: Oh my god! That is so funny! Wait, is she a slut? It would be so much funnier if she was a slut… Oh. Never mind. –Central Park Overheard by: Cassie Bubbly high school chick: … And I didn’t know, so I just opened my legs… –Astor Pl Homeless man yelling at passersby: Can any of you spare a nickel in the name of alcoholic beverages? Or maybe a loose woman or two?! –7th & Ave A Overheard by: you gotta respect the honesty Dad to little girl: Okay, honey, now how do we spell ‘whore’? Remember, sound it out… –Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Never Said They Were Exclusive

Woman on cell: Well, her profile says ‘In a relationship,’ so she has no excuse to be fucking everyone else’s boyfriends! –The Bagel House, 39th St & Ditmars Blvd, Astoria Overheard by: Louie Guy: Hey, I’ll give you my ex-girlfriend if you’ll take her. –1st St & Ave A Overheard by: apples Fag hag: Anderson Cooper is so gorgeous. I want to be his boyfriend. –1 train Overheard by: Allisa Ghetto babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She’s not gettin’ another. What’s she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get herself locked up again? –Penn Station Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend because he wants to get a monkey. –59th & Lex Overheard by: Matt Bimbette: Do you think the reason I can’t get a boyfriend is because I never re-post those things on MySpace?! –LaGuardia airport Little girl: I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Sometimes it’s better not to be in a relationship. –72nd St & York