Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-liners Might Have Food Issues

Guy: Nah, I’m trying to get that six pack for summer. I’m not going for the dashboard stomach or anything. Besides, the dashboard on my car isn’t looking too good, ya know? –Godiva, Nassau Street Overheard by: J Woman: She’s not trying anorexia, is she? She’s not in that adolescent phase yet, right? –85th & 5th Overheard by: Kaitlen Girl: Well, she should tell her doctor…and her waitress. –Fordham Overheard by: Trix Hobo: Hey, I’m really hungry. Really hungry, man. I ain’t eaten in the past coupla days. That’s why I’m losing weight. Except I’m so muscular, so I look healthy, but I’m hungry. And it’s hot outside, so I’m losing more weight. And I am muscular. –F train Queer: You know, whenever they show models in movies being obsessive about what they eat and their weight or something, it’s always presented like it’s this vain and self-indulgent thing, but, I mean, they’re models. It’s their job. It’s like for your job. You needed a Master’s Degree, right? Well, they need an eating disorder. –2 train Girl: I think he thought I was calling him fat. I wasn’t, though! I was calling him pregnant. –D train

There’s No Wednesday One-Liners in Baseball!

Flustered waiter: What was I doing? What was I doing?! Oh, that’s right — crying about how my life turned out. –Rachel’s Restaurant Mets fan: Yeah, man, my family is really competitive when it comes to sports, so last weekend we all went skiing. At the end of the day, it’s really a family bonding experience, so it’s good if we laugh at each other. If we make each other cry, that’s even better! –Shea Stadium Drug dealer to crying girl: Don’t cry. Buy some weed. –Christopher St, between Bleecker & Hudson Chubby girl, excitedly: Exactly two months ago at this time, I was crying in a bathroom! –L platform, Lorimer. Overheard by: einladle Stoner: If by crying you mean ‘ice cream and ecstasy,’ then yeah. –9th & 3rd Overheard by: Ryan H

Crotchety Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: You know what I did?! Grabbed my crotch once… Boom! –Broadway & Prince Overheard by: amused Guy: … And then he shoved his crotch in my face and yelled, ‘Does this prove something?!’ –Rare, Bleecker St Overheard by: Keezles Blond guy: I had my head in that guy’s crotch so many times today. It was nuts. –Coral Towers Overheard by: No Pun Intended Queer to fag hag: I don’t think he would mind so much that some Asian guy was fondling my crotch as much as he would be worried about the fact that I accepted a ride with a stranger. –Urban Outfitters, Union Square Overheard by: Mikey D. Wong Small, unattended child, singing: Fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch, fire-crotch! –Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious. –Henry St & Clinton St Overheard by: Jeannie Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks. –Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead! –Wall St EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl. –Fordham & Southern Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock? –Mercer & W 3rd Overheard by: TheBrit Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis! –Party, 168th & Broadway Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap. –NYU Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades. –Central Park, W 72nd Overheard by: Rachel Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch! –N train Overheard by: Shawnito Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks. –4/5 platform, Union Square Overheard by: Orson Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria. –Mott & Canal St Overheard by: Marie Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass! –Brooklyn Tech High School Overheard by: Liz Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped. –107th & Manhattan Overheard by: Emily B.

Wednesday One-Liners Had It As a Safety School

Asian chick: I’m just so sick of failing in general. –NYU Bobst Library Overheard by: jason NYU girl to friends: Well, he’s not always drunk. Sometimes he’s high. –Prince & Mercer NYU chick: I found out I didn’t have AIDS… I went to Whole Foods… It was a good day. –27th & Park Overheard by: It was a good day NYU bimbette: All popular people have herpes. Just look at them! –NYU NYU chick: Yeah, we almost broke up like four or five times, so I think that’s indicative that we’re happy together. –Bowery & Canal NYU girl on cell: I don’t know what to do about going abroad. My parents want me to go to London, but I looked at my Tarot cards and they’re telling me Dublin. What should I do? –721 Broadway Overheard by: Tyler Queer student: I don’t really have a problem with incest, but in my family there aren’t many lookers. –NYU Silver Center

The Little Wednesday One-Liners That Could

Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there’s always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they’d do something about that! –34th & 7th Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow! –2nd floor, Port Authority Overheard by: JoBell Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express! –DeKalb station Overheard by: jaded Blonde: I’ve only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I’ve never gone East on it. I don’t know how. –1 train Overheard by: minerfa Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don’t ever do that. –F train Overheard by: dianora

Don’t Drink and Wednesday One-Liner

Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds look-alike: Well, you tell her that I will cut Miss Daisy before I drive her. –51st & 8th Overheard by: Nigel Chick to guy: I’ll give you 20 bucks and suck your dick the whole way if you give me a ride home. –5th & 2nd Woman to man: Well, if we’re not going to drive anywhere, we might as well drink! –Mulberry St Overheard by: Hazel Lady to friend: Yeah, he traded the Camry for a Tahoe, so now the sperm and eggs can all fit into one car. –49th & 5th Overheard by: seann r Messenger with hand truck: Tell them there is no fucking truck — I’m the truck! –28th & 7th

Wednesday One-Liners Look Manly in Tights

Despondent hobo: Spider-Man is dead, mothafuckah. –Thompson & Bleecker Overheard by: Emily B. Earnest white girl: So, I’ve been thinking about it, and here’s what I’m picturing — dat ho is lyin’ flat on her stomach, and Superman is on top of her, but he has to maybe keep his arms out in front of him like he’s in flyin’ position… And it seems like maybe it would be easier to Superman a small person… I bet you could Superman a big girl. Yeah, definitely. –H&M, Soho Angry vendor in heavy accent, after police bust nearby: They just arrest him. They arrest everybody. They think they are Superman! –Greene St, Soho Overheard by: Rich Mintz Costumed guy: Two things you never do — you never pull Superman’s cape, and you never kick Spider-Man in the nuts! [To friend dressed as Spider-Man] You are wearing a cup, right? –13th & University Overheard by: theresa