Man: I charge you with this sacred drink, and with this straw: I call this straw Excalibur, straw of destiny. –Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street Overheard by: timothy wolfe Bald man: See, the Joker was the first real villain Batman had to face… –Le Pescadou, King Street Overheard by: emdashes Guy: Uh-uh. This nigga would be outta town. I see lightnin’ goin off and holes in the ground. No way! I will grab my purse, a bottle of water, my sister, and my gun and get the fuck outta Dodge. Peace, aliens! –Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street Guy: There’s really no way to tell someone that’s the seat’s taken without sounding like a complete douchebag. –Loews Kips Bay, 2nd Avenue Overheard by: Jonathan Weiss
Stormtrooper: Man, I can’t even move in this thing.
Star Wars geek #1: They said no dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: No lightsaber duels?
Star Wars geek #2: No, the’re no lightsaber dueling in the theater.
Star Wars geek #1: But they’re dueling.
Star Wars girlfriend: Yeah, but he’s Yoda. Lady: Look, I’ve been saving this seat since Attack of the Clones. Dude: Cool lightsaber.
Dude: Where’d you get it? Geek.com?
Dork: No. Borders. –Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street Nerd: At this point, my expectations are so low, as long as Darth Vader’s in it and a lot of people get killed, I’ll be happy. –Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street Overheard by: Todd Seavey Fanboy: That was great. Now all we need is the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to erase the first two. –Ziegfeld theater, 54th Street Overheard by: Jaybill McCarthy
Middle-aged lady: I wear makeup on Sundays. I like to look good on the Lord’s day.
–135th & Madison
Overheard by: Kate
Woman: Monday is the new Friday.
–11 Penn Plaza
Guy on cell: … So let’s just go ahead with the Tuesday night cripple hunt.
–Grand St & Bedford Ave
Conductor: This stop is Jay Street-Borough Hall. You can transfer here across the platform to the A and C trains, which you can take uptown to Columbus Circle and on up to 168th Street. Be sure to take your stuff with you when you go, and have a great Wednesday here in the middle of the week.
Overheard by: … or maybe she was stoned
40-something lady to another: … Then I told him, ‘Nevermind the bruises, I just had liposuction last Thursday.’
–Broadway, just below Houston
Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I won’t be there if you’re going to be doing all that religious stuff… Aren’t you, like, castrating a duck or something? … Oh, okay, well I’ll be there on Friday, then.
–By the tram
Teen thug: You know, if you put’em on hot they dry faster. On hot the clothes dry faster.
–Kingsland Ave & Jackson Ave., Willamsburg
Overheard by: confabulation nation
Hipster on cell: She thinks the entire world revolves around her. What is she, the sun?
Would-be physicist: Did you ever hear of magnetic repulsion? Because I swear to god that door has an eastern pole or something.
–Walgreens Drugstore, Union Square
Overheard by: kbot
Guy: So, you’ve dissected cats before?
–Lafayette & Centre St
Overheard by: Janelle
Loud chick: So I was looking on the Internet to learn more about our planet and biodiversity and shit, and there’s like five more extinctions supposed to happen! You know, like the dinosaurs and shit!
–Ray’s Pizza, E Houston
Overheard by: just visiting!
Soccer mom: He has had some really hard social studies stuff… Like why the seasons change and the how the earth moves around the sun.
–Warren Fields, Murray & West Side Highway
Overheard by: Soccer Nanny
Professor to unresponsive class: So, how do you know when a scene is over? Yeah, you just know, like porn.
–Sarah Lawrence College
Professor: Don’t mess with Socratic ninjas.
Professor to silent class: Come on, what do you think? Someone say something. It’s kind of like sex. Sometimes you don’t want to do it, but you have to do what you have to do.
Professor: I was whipped by a crazed dwarf in a cave for a month! Then I married him!
Overheard by: Ali
Professor turning off powerpoint: And now we kick it old school.
Overheard by: Jesse
SVA professor: Woo, I’m so jazzed today — it’s like I’m on crystal meth! [Students laugh.] No, seriously, I never did crystal meth! Speed, sure. Quaaludes, of course, but not crystal meth. Never. Nope. Oxycodone, maybe.
Overheard by: SUSAN
Professor: The Native Americans even have biological differences… except for the Native Americans of Australia.
–History class, Hunter College
Overheard by: tanechka
White guy: You live in New Jersey and you don’t speak Spanish? –49th & 8th Overheard by: Knipc Guy on payphone: Eighty miles an hour, and he was still alive?…still alive? –W. 4th & Mercer Overheard by: Matthew Jewfro: …so why did you stick your cell phone in your anus? –Chambers & Greenwich Guy: I’d like some dick lever…I mean duck liver, please. Well, I guess dicks don’t really have levers do they? –Tuller Gourmet Food Market, Cobble Hill Overheard by: Isaac Gertman
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops. –6 train Newspaper vendor: Yo! Suits! Go get me that deal…or else! I mean right now, go get it done! –41st & 6th Overheard by: M. Hutchinson Tourist on cell: Of course I know where we are. We’re near Broadway Street. No, no, wait. Broadway Avenue. –57th & Broadway Overheard by: Karyn Regal Petitioner: Please help us save the filibuster! –West 66th & Broadway Overheard by: Todd Seavey Subway salesman: …and thank you for helping me keep a roof over my head. I mean three roofs: I live in the basement. –Q train Metro New York guy: Free paper! Get your free paper!…Man, I’m sick of this shit. –Union Square Metro New York guy: Shit, man, I’m tired of sayin’ this!…Okay, fine. Good mornin’. Good mornin’. Shit. –Park Place station
Singing bag lady: My mother is a bitch! She’s a voodoo bitch. She’s a fucking whore. I hope that bitch gets cancer…the worst kind of cancer. She prevents me from getting a job with her voodoo. –Bowling Green station Overheard by: K2 Combo Guy: That’s the last time I date a girl with a cape. –Bryant Park station Girl:…I don’t know why she hates me. She put a curse on me! But my mom took me to her healer and now I’m okay. I don’t really remember much, though. –Central Park Overheard by: Emily Y.
Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Dancing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the camera in my shower.
–6th Ave & 55th St
Overheard by: Alicia
Aging badass to lady friend: Yeah, I totally got escorted out of a Tom Petty concert for dancing in the aisles.
–17th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Original Badass
Black guy: Hey everybody! Stop what you're doing! There's two black guys about to dance on this train! That's something you don't see often!
Flamboyant gay man to friend: You can't sashay in there. There's no room to sashay at all.
–Outside LGBT Community Center, during Fur Ball
Overheard by: pandarants
Drunk Asian girl: It's always time to dance in North Korea.
–2nd St & Ave B
Kid, to Clown dancing to ‘Hey Ya!’ in the bleachers: Get a job!
Overheard by: thinks the clown is unemployed too
Guy on cell: You’re fired! You’re fired, ok? Ok? Ok, see you later, then.
–33rd & 6th
Hobo to well-endowed girl on the street: Damn girl! I wish I met you when I had a job!
–54th & 9th Ave.
Overheard by: Jasmine
Bimbette: The boss says I am too bubbly, too nice and it’s really freaking out the customers.
–72nd & Broadway
Suit on cell: I know she looks like she can fit your cock in her mouth, but aren’t you looking for a secretary?
–Wanamaker & 4th Ave
Young woman on cell: I wish Jesus would just come down and be like, ‘You’re gonna get the job.’
Overheard by: The Ficus
Customer: I have half a mind to come back here when the bitch gets off work… Whatever her life sucks, she works at Wendy’s.
–Wendy’s, 14th & 5th
Overheard by: Devon