Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-liners Are Dead

Guy: Yeah, well, he’s a big fan of the cadaver tissue. –Washington Heights Lady on cell: My god he killed everyone last night. He first sat on her then started to beat on her. Then she got up and started beating on him. –West Broadway & Chambers Fat Hispanic woman: I don’t know, I just haven’t been using my gun lately. –Fort Greene

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Bacon

Cop on megaphone: Hand over your license and your registration. Now everyone in the Heights knows what I am waiting for.

–138th St & Amsterdam Ave.

Overheard by: tony l.

Hobo: I’m just black. I’m not a criminal.

–Outside MSG

Overheard by: Barry P.

Female cop, screaming out the window of her police car: Stop yelling on the street!

–Greenwich Ave & W 13th St

Overheard by: Pierce

White teen boy: You see, you can only mess with white people and Asian people because the worst thing they’ll do is call the cops. Anybody else–no one will ever hear from you again.

–1 train, southbound

Overheard by: Stephanie Shestakow

Hobo: Stand clear of the closing doors. You cannot block the doors. Keep your belongings with you at all times. If you see a suspicious package or activity, tell a police officer or MTA employee or me. My wife died and I want you to know that I’m single. I may not have any money, but I got plenty of honey. I want all the ladies to know that I’m single. Not the men, though. I’m not gay. I’m a lesbian. I like women.

–Downtown 5 train

Cop car, driving in bike lane, on loudspeaker: Move right. Move right! Your other right, idiot!

–8th Ave & 28th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Thug: I hate white people. They’re always talking to the cops.

–1st Ave & 89thSt

Wednesday One-Liners Boot and Rally

Very young child: Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha. Yo estoy borracha… –35th St & 36th Ave, Astoria Overheard by: Michelle M. Drunk guy: You know, I get very annoyed when I’m really drunk and you’re not. –W 103rd St Girl on cell: Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are you drunk? Are! You! Drunk!? Are you drunk?…Cause I am! –Bandshell, Prospect Park Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo Guy on cell: Well, you can just watch me drink then! –33rd & 7th Smart teen: Wait, you’re gonna use your fake ID to buy alcohol with a credit card? Haha, I’ll just wait outside. –34th & 7th Cinephile: I need to get hammered like Mel Gibson tonight! –70th & Park Boy genius: That’s one word to describe my brother: drunk and psychotic. –Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John’s University Overheard by: Someone who can count

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner

Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.

–L train

Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book — they would have made a lot more money.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: LetheaBu

Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was ’cause she was blind. Now it’s like, ‘Dude, she can read?!’

–Barnard College

NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.

–Starbucks, W 4th St

Overheard by: wine girl

Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I’m so senile.

–JFK

Overheard by: mr itchie

Book-hawking hobo: … And this is my new book, ‘If You Don’t Beat Your Children, They’ll End Up Like Me’!

–6 train

Overheard by: Zarek

Wednesday One-Liners Send Mixed Signals

Man: But they’ll talk to us! That’s the problem with calling people — they talk to you!

–Union Square Park

Chick: For one thing, this guy sounds totally sick and perverted; and, for another, what’s his number?

–Party, 140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mr. P.

Girl on cell: He was like, ‘Thanks for doing that in a text,’ and I was like, ‘Thanks for saying that in an IM.’

–Park Ave & Union Square North

Collegiate on cell: Dude, why the hell are you calling me? I told you, just use MySpace.

–Park Ave South & 19th St

Queer looking at ringing cell: Shit! [Answers phone in pleasant voice] Hi, Andrew!

–11th St & University

Overheard by: Colleen

Wednesday One-Liners Could Quit if They Wanted to

Guy: Okay, here’s the plan: we paint your van, then you have sex with Susan, then I’ll have sex with…someone else. Then we both smoke a lot of weed… –1st Ave Overheard by: chris & daile Teen boy: Yo, I just stopped smoking weed, cause, like, I heard it was bad for you. So I started smoking cigarettes again. –G train Queer on cell, taking deep drags of cigarette: No, I’m not! I told you I quit. [Exhales] Umm, that was just me blowing my bangs out of my eyes. –Outside Bally Fitness, 50th St Smoker: I read somewhere that if you quit smoking by the time you are middle aged your body can still recover, and I thought, “Great I still have a couple more years to quit.” Then I read what they define “middle aged” as. I’m fucked! –Upper East Side gallery

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Smell Anything

Sassy lady: Honey, she so lazy… She too lazy to fart, she so lazy!

–Celebrity Jeopardy taping, Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: Lady Sean Connery Wannabe

Man holding ‘Hungry Jew’ sign: Hey, ladies, need a boy-toy? I just farted.

–Lincoln Center

Ghetto Asian teen: Nigga, my farts smell like daisies.

–68th & 1st

Class act: Damn! I got gas like a mo-fo, and this cough ain’t helping.

–Escalator, 59th St subway station

Five-year-old girl to father: Ha, ha! I farted on you!

–Mount Sinai Hospital

Overheard by: Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Invest in the Biotech Industry

Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.

–FAO Schwartz

40-ish man on cell: I bought this bitch sneakers and Tims, and I ain’t even seen no pussy!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Mary D

Old man: That’s when I knew that bitch was the bitch for me.

–84th & 1st

Overheard by: Mikey

Pretentious professor with ponytail: Bitch could convey everything with an ellipsis…

–69th & Columbus

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Feel Their Fingers

Hobo: Get your snowball here! 20 bucks for a snowball! You won’t find another one of these for miles!

–43rd & Broadway

Trendy young woman: So, I went out to walk the dog this morning and was like, ‘What is this shit falling from the sky? First it was that funky smell from Jersey, now crap falling from the sky.’ Then I realized it was snowing.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Nic

Old lady to cat she’s pushing in stroller: It’s fucking cold out here!

–Stuyvesant Town, 18th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Incredulous drunk guy with large snowball: Man, I wish this was cocaine.

–E 4th & Bowery

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to JFK, New York. The local time is 1:30 in the morning, the weather is… really cold.

–United landing in New York early in the morning

Conductor: You know, the trick to dealing with this weather is mind over matter. If you don’t mind the snow, it doesn’t matter.

–Queens-bound 7 train

Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly

Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: rosemary’s baby

Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.

–E/V station, 53rd & 5th

Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.

–Citarella, W 9th St

Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.

–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St

Overheard by: Russ Wall