Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Feel Their Fingers

Hobo: Get your snowball here! 20 bucks for a snowball! You won’t find another one of these for miles!

–43rd & Broadway

Trendy young woman: So, I went out to walk the dog this morning and was like, ‘What is this shit falling from the sky? First it was that funky smell from Jersey, now crap falling from the sky.’ Then I realized it was snowing.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Nic

Old lady to cat she’s pushing in stroller: It’s fucking cold out here!

–Stuyvesant Town, 18th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Incredulous drunk guy with large snowball: Man, I wish this was cocaine.

–E 4th & Bowery

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to JFK, New York. The local time is 1:30 in the morning, the weather is… really cold.

–United landing in New York early in the morning

Conductor: You know, the trick to dealing with this weather is mind over matter. If you don’t mind the snow, it doesn’t matter.

–Queens-bound 7 train

Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly

Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: rosemary’s baby

Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.

–E/V station, 53rd & 5th

Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.

–Citarella, W 9th St

Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.

–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Still More Insightful than Ann Coulter

Teenage girl #1: Yo I heard they have, like, a…circle, and they think it’s art.
Teenage girl #2: Shit’s retarded. –in front of MoMA, W. 53rd Street Overheard by: David Last Fat guy: Yeah, this O’Connor thing is really big. Most people don’t know this, but the Supreme Court has the final say over all laws that are passed. I think they approve it before even the President does. Like I said, it’s big. –Florent, Gansevoort Street Overheard by: Hampton Catlin

Unidentified, Flying Wednesday One-Liners

Wheelbo: All them stories they tell kids about the stork coming? Naw, man! Babies come here on a big spaceship! There’s a baby factory somewhere in the middle of Nevada!

–Subway platform, 53rd & 5th

Tourist: I saw a black man in a black suit, and I was looking for aliens because it was like Men in Black. It was scary. Black in black…

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn station

College girl: I got so worked up I almost threw up in the back seat… ‘Cause I thought there were aliens…

–66th & 3rd

Overheard by: Skyler Fox

Drunk guy: You think you’re an alien? You’re a human being, you fuck!

–Mercer St, between 8th & Waverly Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Need Extra Support

Woman on cell: He already started calling me ‘boobie’ so we did it last night.

–33rd St station

Queer: I’m so sick of her and her breasts!

–W 4th St subway

Overheard by: Jessie

Teen boy, walking into woman and child: Oh, sorry, my fault… [To his girlfriend:] See what yo’ titties got me into!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Drunk bimbette: I’m so glad I have tits. I don’t know what I would do if I were a man. I call it the power of the oyster.

–Croton-Harmon line to Manhattan

Overheard by: Evan

Drunk woman: I got ketchup on my boob and I didn’t even eat anything!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Ryan

Drunk fratboy: Show your boobies if you love the Mets! Nudity for the Mets! Nudity for the Mets!

–Manhattan bound 7 train

Overheard by: lets go mets

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty

Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gamoid Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.

–1 train, Lincoln Center Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.

–BX 12 bus Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.

–W. Broadway & Spring Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Vicksburg Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?

–4th St & 6th Ave Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too? –Q train, Canal St Overheard by: mike C.

Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Gettin’ Any

Man learning about horseshoes, to his wife: You hear that, honey? Mating season is over for them. Does that sound familiar?

–New York Aquarium, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tracy Fish


Early 20′s chick to Hasid trying to lure her into his van
: I wouldn’t even sleep with you for WORLD PEACE!


–1st & Bedford, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alison


Woman to friend
: Conjugal visits, my ass! That man doesn’t give a shit about sex. In the two years we were together, we had sex six times! Six times!


–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Aaron A


Meathead on cell
: We never get laid. We might as well be ninjas.


–Canal & Broadway


Professor
: I don’t understand these Taliban guys. 27 virgins! 27 virgins! Who wants to spend eternity with a bunch of beginners?


–Classroom, FIT


Guy
: So what you sayin’? I can’t have sex with you anymore?


–10th & University

Overheard by: Priska Neely


A Gluttonous Gaggle of Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster: I found a bag of potatoes the other night, and we were throwing them at razor wire.

–Filene’s Basement

Chick: Everybody needs a pickle. He’s like my pickle.

–31st & 36th, Astoria

Overheard by: Jill

Old baker guy to young baker guy: See — the ones that are burned on the bottom — you know they’re done, so you take them out. If they’re not burned, they aren’t done yet, so you move them to the front of the oven.

–Fairway, 74th & Broadway

Old woman to friend: So then I told her, ‘Fuck you and your lamb curry!’

–3rd & MacDougal

Lady to hubby: Is this sushi not cooked?

–JetBlue terminal, JFK

Lady: He was really upset about tonight. He was all ‘Yogurt! Yogurt night is ruined!’ Shook his fists and everything.

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: KCast

Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon

Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother’s dying. Yeah, again — she’s dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can’t believe I have to go to Louisiana.

–Union Square

Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn’t it?

–Museum of Natural History

Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can’t talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What’s fucking wrong with that?!

–Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd

Overheard by: Rod-Rod

Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, my grandma’s dying and my cat’s eating her toes, and… um… I lost the papers’? I can’t do that… [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]

–30th & 6th

Overheard by: avenueF

Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.

–Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd

Overheard by: Will

Wednesday One-Liners Express Themselves

Woman running down the stairs: Hold the doors! Oh, God, please hold the doors! Please! [Doors close, train pulls away.] Why? Whyyy?!

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That’s the last train in the world!

–W 4th Street A/C/E platform

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Student: Yo mama is so dumb that when she needs to take the 4 train, she takes the 2 train twice!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Gazoo

Tourist to friends: Ok, so, we’re headed downtown right now, and in a couple stops we’ll transfer to the express.

–A train express, between 34th & 42nd

Tourist woman: Why is it called an express train? All it does is skip stops.

–4 train at Fulton St

Chick to guy: Don’t tell me that bull! Don’t pull that on the A train!

–Manhattan-bound A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: chudoc324