Conductor: We will soon arrive in Penn Station, the happiest place on Earth. Penn Station is next.
–LIRR
Overheard by: MineolaBoy
Boyfriend to girlfriend: Let’s go be happy in front of miserable people!
–49th & 8th
Overheard by: Ashley
Hot chick on cell to girlfriend: I am really happy that she is now dating Greg… I am over him… But I am cuter than her!
–X28 Express Bus to Bensonhurst, Brooklyn
Overheard by: PDG
Middle-aged woman: Listen, I don’t need no husband. You see how happy I am? It’s because I have two cats and a vegetable crisper. I don’t need no freakin’ husband!
–Hair salon, East Village
Overheard by: edensnake
Security guard frowning at metal detector: This is my happy face.
–Empire State Building
Overheard by: rage gage
Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but the Macarena
Hipster girl: I didn’t do too much… I had a dance-off with a shark…
–East Village
Overheard by: hoping she won
Conductor: No train Hokey Pokey! Either you’re in or you’re out!
–7 train, Grand Central
Overheard by: 7 train day tornado hit brooklyn
40-ish blonde on cell: So, he thought it was going to be more than a dinner date. That prick wanted to bang me after dinner. I just wanted a dance partner I could throw away at the end of the night.
–39th & 3rd
Overheard by: Mark
Street performer, to crowd: Get closer — we don’t have weapons… Don’t be scared, it’s just black guys dancing!
–New York Public Library
Guy to female passersby, about Chuck Taylors: My grandmother had a pair of those shoes. She used to breakdance with a wooden leg.
–Paul Ave, Bronx
Overheard by: Lillian
Slow: Wednesday One-Liner-Xing
Mom to seven-year-old crossing street: Be careful, dear. You don’t want to get run over or we can’t have sushi.
–78th & Amsterdam
Cute girl halting before crossing into oncoming traffic: Okay, perhaps we should not die today.
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: Traffic
Father to son running towards intersection: Remember! A foot in the street means a foot in your ass!
–57th & 4th, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Chick zig-zagging across street: I just cannot get down with manholes! Scary, scary manholes. I try to avoid them at all costs.
–83rd & Broadway
Bored cop on megaphone: Please walk on the sidewalk. Stop walking in the middle of the street… Stop walking in the middle of the street. Use the sidewalks… See how you’re on the black pavement? You want to be on concrete. See the cars trying to run you over? That’s ‘vehicular traffic.’ Get out of its way.
–Next to Radio City Music Hall
Boyfriend following jaywalking girlfriend: That’s illegal. [She ignores him.] That’s illegal!
–6th & 4th, Park Slope
Wednesday One-Liners Reach Out and Touch Someone
Hot chick: My phone has finally learned to spell ‘cock’ and ‘anal’! I’m so proud!
–King’s Head Tavern, 14th St
Overheard by: Argopelter
Girl on cell: Listen, you in Rikers — you lucky you ain’t get three years! … And you stayin’ there, ’cause I ain’t bailin’ you out… Oh, whatever — if I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t be usin’ my daytime minutes.
–W train, Astoria, Queens
Overheard by: Juan Moment
Chick on cell: I am your phone sex Yoda! Come, my young padawan! Come!
–Steinway & Ditmars
Overheard by: using the force
Cross-eyed JAP on cell: No, seriously, it’s not my phone. I think there’s something wrong with my chin.
–Times Square
Overheard by: NathAnonymous
Are Your Wednesday One-Liners Tingling?
Professor: So, let’s return to the topic of male nipples for a moment.
–Sophomore seminar, Bard High School Early College
JAP on cell: … So I picked up and was like, ‘Hello?’ and she was all, ‘Come on, we’re going to get our nipples pierced.’ And I was like, ‘Oh. Um, okay.’
–49th & 7th
Biker chick: You don’t understand! You don’t understand that I can’t feel my nipples right now!
–St. Mark’s & 3rd
Overheard by: Gemma
Tough guy to another: We all bang. We love each other. So what if I pinched your nipples?! What’s the big deal? I pinched your nipples!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Jim Conroy
Girl on cell: At the gallery, a woman offered me her nipple covers. She was like, ‘Hey, do you want my nipple covers?’ … Yeah, it’s been that kind of day.
–Stuyvesant Town
Shake That Wednesday One-Liner! Watch Yo’self!
Ghetto girl to booty-smacking friends who knocked into passerby: Damn, girl! See what happens when you got a big ass? Innocent bystanders get hit!
–7 train
Overheard by: bill R
Young guy: I don’t know names, I just know booties and faces.
–11th St Pier
Truck driver to old lady standing off curb: Back that ass up!
–Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Christine
Hobo to girl in striped spandex leggings: Ummm… Um, that’s some ass. I wish I could develop lockjaw and never let go!
–E 5th St, between 1st & 2nd
Middle-aged guy: … And so she’s like, ‘Why do you want a house in the Hamptons when you have a house in the city?’ Why? Because I can’t look at fine ass in the city.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: Rosie
Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.
–Restaurant, 46th St
Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.
–F train
Overheard by: Kevin Z
Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!
–Broome & Allen
Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.
–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave
Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Gabriel
The Rich Get Richer While the Poor Get Wednesday One-Liners
NYU fashionista: Oh my god — I am, like, so poor that my parents might sell my horse!
–Washington Square Park
Hipster girl: He grew up in a neighborhood so poor his purebred dog got stolen!
–Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Confused hippie: Wait, Mexicans carry Louis Vuitton bags? I thought that they were poor. Isn’t that why we’re supposed to feel sorry for them?
–Alligator Lounge, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
Salvation Army bell ringer: Donate money for the poor! Do something good for once in your life!
–5th Ave
Overheard by: Katrina
Lady in fur coat to friend without one: Just go to Mexico — you won’t feel so poor there.
–Leaving Henri Bendel, 5th Ave
Counterfeit Wednesday One-Liners
Tourist on cell: So, what do you want me to bring you back from NYC? A fake Louis Vuitton bag? Or fake Chanel perfume?
–57th & 7th
Bimbette: I just don’t have the energy to have a fake conversation.
–LIRR
Overheard by: tired
Large black man laughing to self: They thought I was a fake doughnut.
–1 train
Overheard by: Craig
Offended girl: Look at this fake snow! It mocks us! Fuck you, fake snow!
–Houston & Bowery
Overheard by: In complete agreement
The Public Immodesty of Wednesday One-Liners
Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I mean, I totally don’t get what your mom’s problem is. I mean, it covers your vagina!
–109th & CPW
Overheard by: Harris Mercer
NYU girl: I wore this to a party the other night, and I thought, ‘Slut, slut slut.’ But then I looked around…
–W 4th & MacDougal
Overheard by: Martin Johnson
Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls’ skirts today! My daughter — her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!
–5 train
B&T girl to another: Now I have to go home and pick out an outfit to cheat on my boyfriend with for tomorrow night.
–14th & 9th
Overheard by: DocThomp
Teen girl on cell: … Something slutty. … What are you going to wear?
–Union Square Holiday Market
Overheard by: Sarah Booz