Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Took “For Poorer” Out of Their Vows

Gold digger to friend: Yeah, I’m done with doctors. I want an architect.

–E 80th St

Overheard by: hannah g

Annoyed JAP: So, he told me that I would date my way out of the Upper East Side.

–Ladies’ room, Johnny’s Uptown

Overheard by: Grover

Patient to receptionist: She no-showed on me, too, but I didn’t like her anyway because she has Alzheimer’s, and she’s a gold digger.

–Dentist’s office

JAP: I mean, I was raised never thinking I would ever have to take care of myself.

–Penn Station

Chick: I mean, he’s, like, a little unstable. He just seems a little wired, but he works for a hedge fund, so…

–77th & 3rd

Uh-Oh, Wednesday One-Liners Are Staining

Queer to friend: Tomorrow is flow day! That’s when you have to wear a pad and a tampon!

–W 3rd, between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: good golly

20-something girl: They didn’t have tampons, so I got Smirnoff Ice.

–Lincoln Place & Bedford Ave

Overheard by: That’s gotta hurt

Hot chick on cell: I’m off! Wish me and my menstrual cup luck!

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman: That would be a really awful super-power to have ?- the ability to make a woman menstruate whenever you fuck her.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

These Wednesday One-Liners Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds

Southern tourist: … And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there’s a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reservations!

–78th & Broadway

Guy to chick: Take Albert Einstein, for instance. He was a small guy, and he built the atomic bomb… And he nuked Japan with it.

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chelsea

Mom to child as he fashions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-violent birthday party!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Wondering what a violent one is like

Substitute chemistry teacher: Okay, let’s get a little sex appeal in here… Who knows how to make a hydrogen bomb?

–Stuyvesant High

Morally outraged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!

–G train

Overheard by: sarah

Professor: … And in next week’s class — how to build a nuclear bomb!

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: hjane

Dude: I think she’s pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.

–Rumours, 55th & 8th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Girl on cell: …Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: kelsey

Guy on cell: She got pissed on… So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months… How much damage do you think he can do?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Al E Ro

Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It’s my bank! I’m gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It’s like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.

–Washington Mutual

Wednesday One-Liners Are Fresh As a Summer’s Eve

Woman on cell: What?! So I douched today for no reason?!

–27th & 8th

Overheard by: abby k

Guy on cell: Hello? Hello, little douche! Oh, you’re just jealous of how not-douchy I am.

–Office, Murray Hill

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: He was a cunt in New York, but he’s a total douchebag in L.A.

–49th & 9th

Chick on cell: Listen, I’m sorry for last night… For hiding in the shower all night and being a douche.

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: CMEdia

Professor, reading quote on politics of smoke-filled cities in 19th century: ‘… To give themselves and their wives and daughters that outside neatness, cleanliness, and freshness…’ [Pauses, then] Sounds like a douche ad.

–Columbia University

Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?

Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we’re just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They’re really entertaining.

–Columbia University

Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: firefry

Lady: … And she’s just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I’m pregnant and still smoking. I was like, ‘It only causes low birth weight. What’s the big deal?!’

–6 train

Overheard by: Drew

Conductor: A reminder, folks — no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.

–Amtrak to Boston

Wednesday One-liners Sparkle and Shine

Hipster on cell: Okay. After my nap. Call me from the park once you are covered in glitter and I will come down. –14th & B Hipster chick: I’m totally boycotting the sun this summer. –L train Overheard by: Matt Ferrin Guy on cell: …and I just told him, “I don’t care what you say. As far as I’m concerned, I am the star of a Broadway musical.” –34th & 7th Overheard by: Bridget Unnel

Wednesday One-Liners Are With the Band

Dr. Obvious: If you want to be a label band, you have to play like a label band. –Bar basement, Williamsburg Subway performer: I would like to sing you a song now, one that I wrote and I am very proud of. It goes like this, “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend…” –Brooklyn bound L train Overheard by: Meg Guy to girl: I don’t mean to be pretentious, but I have seen the Palominos live. –CBGB’s Karaoke singer: I realized early on that I wasn’t being sexy enough with that song, and then suddenly I was humping the air. –Fat Black Pussycat, 3rd St & 6th Ave Stoner: Dude, what is this band playing? Is this Phish? No, seriously. I’m really confused. –Dave Matthews Band concert, Randall’s Island Overheard by: Sober at Randall’s Island Black guy: I don’t give a damn what the black people think! I want Evanescence! –Hunter College Overheard by: Kimmie Waiter: I had to get out of there. I’m sorry, but I just can’t listen to Tom Waits as soon as I get into work! It’s too early for Tom Waits! Let me ease into my day first. Jesus! –Outside Life Café Overheard by: daile

Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’

Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.

–Columbia

20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.

–Columbia

Overheard by: martina m.

Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.

–Columbia

Overheard by: Ladle

Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.

–1 train

Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’

–1 train

Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.

–Columbia

Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.

–116th St

Overheard by: Sam

Wednesday One-Liners — You Can Count Their Ribs!

Girl to friend: I mean, he has an eating tutor.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Joel

Rabbi: Fasting is completely useless.

–Yom Kippur service, Temple Beth El

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Girl on cell: No, I think her boobs are fake. There is no way you can be anorexic and have boobs like that. I know! They look so awful! Like balloons on a broomstick!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Chick to friend: You can lose weight just by digesting.

–Main St & Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Rita

Big black lady, stuck in the stall: Oh, hell no! I ain’t come in the bathroom for anorexic people!

–Stall #2, Ladies’ room, Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: Laughing in Stall #1