Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

McWednesday One-Liners

MTA conductor: This train is going to run express. The next and last stop is McDonald's… I mean Astoria-Ditmars Boulevard.

–W Train

British teenager: They didn't even spell it right, it's "Mac Donald's," not "mc"!

–McDonald's, Bowery & Bayard

Student to class: I ate a McGriddle last week, and it was like eating a baby angel.

–Classroom, NYU

Frantic foreign lady: Is this the train that goes to McDonald's?

–F Subway

Overheard by: laura

The Happiest Wednesday One-Liners on Earth

Blonde: At least if I die on the tram I won’t have to go to Disney World.

–Tram from Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: Laura

Woman on cell: That’s kind of surreal to go from Disneyland to Scientologists.

–53rd & 5th

Middle-aged nerd, pointing to the Cyclone: I’ve ridden it over a hundred times, and every time the whole time I’m like this [puts both arms up over head]. It’s considered, you know, the cool, fun way to ride if you can do it the whole time. Most people can’t.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Ace Montana

Old guy to two others: Over there is Brooklyn. Coney Island is there. It’s just like a Spanish Disney World.

–Vandam St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Katie Dearest

Queer: So last night, me and my friend were being all catty and talking about our friend who got a really good job… I was really jealous and pissed, but then I realized — she may have an awesome job, but she’s never been to Disney World. Then I felt better about the whole situation.

–NYU

Overheard by: Does Six Flags count?

You May Now Kiss the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman: Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I have to touch him!

–W 32nd & 5th

Street preacher pointing at ladies in short skirts: We’ve gotta get them married! We can’t be havin’ them fornicating in the streets!

–59th & 5th

Lady on cell: I mean, there were some funny pictures… Whitney freaking on me just isn’t what I had in mind… I just don’t really want pictures of beer pong in my wedding album, y’know?

–Gramercy Park

20-ish girl on cell: Grandma, it is so important that you are at my wedding. I need to have you there… Dad and I were talking, and we’re going to get you a refundable ticket… Just in case anything happens.

–Chinatownbus

Overheard by: Kaiti

Man to friend: No, it’s over. We had the wedding planned and everything and then she never got a divorce.

–NJ Transit to Penn Station

Open-Mouth Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: This is your conductor reminding you to beware of pickpockets. Keep your bags in sight, your wallets in your pocket, stay alert, and remember to kiss.

–5 express train

Overheard by: Ben Arwin

Guy to girl: I’m not going to kiss you, ’cause remember — last time we kissed was before you went to jail.

–O’Connor’s, Bergen St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Joe

Drunk guy: I didn’t kiss your boobs, I kissed your chest. There’s a difference!

–49th & 1st

Guido: I’m not prejudiced against fat chicks. I would love to fuck a fatty tonight… I just won’t kiss her.

–Outside McFatty’s

Overheard by: Liz

Five-year-old girl: Before we leave, I’m going to kiss a boy and get married later.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Daveyy

Wednesday One-Liners Get Lockjaw

Thug: I really gotta figure out a new way to ask for a blowjob.

–Soho

Overheard by: Emily McInerney

Guy to coworkers: So wait, a blowjob is exactly like sitting on a toilet?

–40th & 6th

Lady: Oy! Don’t even get me started… Unless we’re talking about gay men blowing each other, in which case, I have no problem with that.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk girl to friend hooking up: Just suck his dick and let’s go…

–Bar, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Ah, bottle fellatio. I remember doing that in high school for a bunch of guys.

–Amtrak into Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Teen after HIV workshop: Yo, don’t have anal, bro. Get your penis licked!

–Banana Kelly High School, Bronx

Overheard by: nooners

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t in New York — That’s for Sure

20-ish woman on cell: I know it’s illegal in most states, but I thought it would be okay in Arizona…

–Central Park

Overheard by: aaron milner

Teacher: You guys might notice that I have some issues with Louisiana. I mean, it’s a great place and all, as long as you don’t get mugged or walk into a drug deal. I did that and then they followed me into a Rite Aid, and I was like, ‘Fuck, I’m gonna get stabbed on my last day here.’

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Hot girl on cell: She moved to Oklahoma? People don’t go to Oklahoma — people are from Oklahoma!

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: from Texas

Hipster: Her parents are the only democrats in Colorado.

–E 86th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Woman on cell: Girl. what state you said you in? North Carolina?! That’s a big-ass fuckin’ state! … Shit, North Carolina is a big fuckin’ state — they got mad people… North Carolina is fuckin’ big… You need to get the fuck out of there.

–J train

Preppy girl on cell: Yeah, but he’s from, like, gross Connecticut.

–49th & 6th

Overheard by: Scarfish

Conductor: We’re on the looong Alabama road. I’m glad you’re all aboard.

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Nobody Puts Wednesday One-Liners in the Corner

Girl: Her baby was premature, and she already has health problems. She only has one liver.

–Puck Fair, Lafayette St

Girl: A human baby takes seven or eight weeks to look adorable. A puppy is cute right away.

–31st Ave & 44th St, Queens

Overheard by: Jake

Guy: Where is that crying baby coming from? It better not be in that trash can.

–18th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell in bathroom stall: Well, shit, I wouldn’t had his baby if I’d known he was on drugs! Hang on… No, I’m in da bafroom. Da bafroom! Ok, later.

–Bathroom in office building, 51st St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: I’m using the one downstairs from now on…

Guy on cell: I wish the baby could go back into your stomach.

–Columbus Circle train station

Teen thug girl holding the Click DVD: Wait, we’re buying this and not baby food?

–Lincoln Park

Overheard by: WTF

Romance Is Dead, but Wednesday One-Liners Keep on Coming

Guy to girlfriend: Will you just hold my fucking hand?

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: waiting for my prince charming Guy: You know, I used to think cheating on girls was wrong.

–Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Michelle Young woman, looking at Lolita book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship. –Borders, 33rd & 7th Overheard by: with a K Man on cell: No, dear, I do not want to hear what you’re doing to yourself right now.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Alexandra Woman, to man she’s just kissed: What was your name again?

–2nd St & 1st Ave Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello…Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes… Thanks, honey, you’re the best. –LIRR Overheard by: Sara Swank Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin’ dumped him. –Columbus Circle Overheard by: buffalo

There’s No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: Alright, everybody, be careful out on the platform, because it’s gonna be crowded. Despite your instincts, no pushing anyone onto the tracks. Red Sox fans are to remain seated until all Yankee fans have disembarked from the train. This is a sign of respect.

–4 train, 161st St & Yankee Stadium stop

Old Yankee fan: That Shawn Green was a great pick up by the Mets. He’s Jewish, and there are a lot of Jews in New York.

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Met fan in hell

Bitter Yankee fan: What the fuck?! A-rod gets paid four million dollars a month? For what?! I can barely clear 24 grand, and I went to college for eight years.

–Loki Lounge, Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Troy B.

Conductor: Because the Met game has just ended, this train is now a local train. To repeat, we left Times Square as an express, but we are now a local because the Met game has ended. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but the Met fans are more important than you.

–7 train

Thug on cell: I was walking down the street the other morning and I saw this dead guy. He looked like a bum and he was really dirty and people were walking by looking him, but he wasn’t moving. His fingers were all swollen and he smelled really bad and there were bugs crawling on his face. Then I looked and he was wearing a Yankees shirt, and I was like, ‘Yo, that shit is mad symbolic.’

–7 train to Shea Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners Gone Wild

College-aged girl, to her friends: We have to make out tonight. And we have to get it on camera. –Ave A Overheard by: damnitanyway Yuppie girl: I felt so uncomfortable so, like, I had to get wasted. –9th St, Park Slope Overheard by: Corbin 18-year-old Asian girl: My parents just don’t know me anymore, you know? I’ve changed my last year in New York, you know? Like, I’ve had sex with a lot of people. –Food Emporium, 50th & 8th Girl in red leather pants, on cell: Yeah, but you have to bring a leather outfit, otherwise you won’t get any clients. Everyone there is a biker or otherwise they are latex fetishists. –89th & Broadway Overheard by: ejuliast Girl: I used to have two vibrators, but I broke ‘em both. –14th St Trendy girl on cell: Yeah, so Long Islanders will be there. You know what that means: debauchery…and danger! –41st & Lex Girl: He had the nerve to tell me that I had no life. I was like, “I do too have a life! I am drinking constantly!” –Petite Abeille, Tribeca